“I hope you’re right,” I said, settling more deeply into the cushions.
“How many customers at the restaurant yesterday?” he asked.
“So many people,” I said, eyes firmly shut. “The place was packed.”
“Good,” he said quietly, and turned back to his newspaper. I turned to face the back of the sofa, but it was a long time before I fell asleep again.
***
Brace yourselves, listener friends, because I’m about to go on aBrown Girl Ramblesrant. Which is quite difficult to do without getting into specific details, but I’ll try my best.
I said in my first episode that this podcast would be about nothing but my truth. Today I want to talk about truth’s evil twin—deception. Lies. Untruths.
Who do we hurt when we lie to ourselves, and to our families? Lying serves an inherently selfish function. We lie because we don’t want to deal with the truth, because it’s uncomfortable, or maybe it’s more expedient to make something up. But what happens when you lie to spare someone’s feelings? Worse, even, when they know that you are lying but go along with it. Are they sparing your feelings even as you spare theirs?
There are some lies that make life more comfortable. Lies like “Yes, I’m fine,” when really we mean “I don’t want to talk to you about this.” Or “Yes, this is the best decision for me,” when we mean “I don’t know what to do, but this would be easier,” or maybe “This is the best decision I can make with the information I have right now,” when actually it’s despair and inertia leading you on.
When I lie to family and friends to reassure them, who benefits? No one, really. When I tell myself I will pursue a project I never wanted because I might be able to do some good, or because it might lead to something better, is that the truth?
A few things have happened in my life recently that have made me afraid. I’m afraid they collectively signal that the other shoe is about to drop. You know what I mean? When that thing you’ve been bracing for all your life in a low-key way slowly starts to unravel everything? Thatmight mean I’ve paid in advance for a cynicism as yet untested by real trials, and now I’m about to see what happens when things really start to go wrong.
Because things are starting to go wrong.
I’ve lived a calm, mostly sheltered life. I’m not saying I’m living large, you understand. Just a... sometimes difficult, but overall good life. As a result, I tend to trust people. When they let me down or disappoint me in some way, I feel foolish, though on some level I’m always expecting that disaster to unfold. On the other hand, perhaps foolishness is the price you pay for lessons learned.
As a Muslim, I have faith that things will work out the way they were meant to. But I also know I will be tested in this life, and I worry about those tests. I spend too much time wondering what will happen if I fail, too. I guess we’re all just stumbling around in the dark, hoping the stories—and occasional lies—we tell ourselves will bring us closer to our light.
StanleyP
Just listened to your latest podcast. I guess you decided to do that project in the end.
AnaBGR
I’ll see where it leads. Thanks for the advice.
StanleyP
Not sure it was the right advice. You sound sad.
AnaBGR
Just got some unexpected news about my family business.
StanleyP
What sort of news?
AnaBGR
The sort I should have seen coming. We haven’t cornered the market the way I thought.
StanleyP
Competition isn’t a bad thing. It’s a way to rethink old ways and try something new. That’s the fun, right?
AnaBGR
I think we have very different ideas of fun.
