Selena jerked upright, splashing water everywhere. Even though Jenny and Grandma Billy had assured her that she could stay in Amelia’s house, she was immediately sure that the real owner had come back and she was trespassing and she was already starting to apologize as she turned around to face ...
No one.
The kitchen was empty. But she’d heard the voice, she was sure of it, it had beenright there. Was she losing her mind? What little was left to lose?
“Yoohoo!” called Grandma Billy from the door.
Selena’s breath went out in a whoosh.Of course. She said something to Copper and it echoed strangely, that’s all.
“Brought you cups.” Grandma Billy waved one from the doorway.
Selena laughed, even though it caught a bit at the bottom like tears. She propped herself up against the sink. “I was just thinking about that.”
“’Course you were.” Her neighbor came inside with a swirl of brightly printed skirts. “Perfectly normal thing to need in the desert.” She paused, frowning. “Jeez, you don’t look so good. You drinking enough water?”
“Thanks,” said Selena. “I’m just ... I ...” She was too tired to construct a polite fiction. “Too many people today. I’m not good at ...” She grimaced. “I’m ... shy.”
She hated the wordshywith a passion. It took problems big enough to blot out the horizon and crammed them down into a cute little word, as if she were a five-year-old hiding behind her mother.No, no, it’s not that she has to memorize all the normal parts of human interaction by rote, like some kind of alien. She’s justshy.
She used to wonder whether she would have been shy if she’d been born to a different mother, whether she’d have learned a different set of reflexes that weren’t always wrong. Whether she’d have known what to say to people by instinct, instead of drilling scripts into herself, over and over.
Eventually she stopped wondering, because it didn’t do any good. Her mother had raised her, and there was no going back and snatching her infant self away, and that was just all there was to it.
Walter had called itsocially awkward, which had been remarkably freeing at first, and then became its own kind of hell. But at least socially awkward didn’t sound twee.
“Shy?” said Grandma Billy. “Can’t-meet-new-people shy or wish-all-these-people-would-go-away shy?” She paused. “Or just I’m-too-damn-tired-to-deal-with-your-shit-right-now-Grandma shy? That’s a pretty common one, don’t worry.”
Selena rubbed her hand over her face. “The first two,” she said. “Sort of. Meeting new people. I’m bad at that.”
“You’ve met plenty in the last few days,” said Grandma. “You met Connor, didn’t you? And Jenny. And me, obviously. That’s three.”
“Four,” said Selena. “I met Father Aguirre too.”
“Sure. Nice fellow. That’s four. And I’d wear anybody out.” She grinned. “Plus you had to walk around in the heat. Go take a nap, hon. I’ll come back this afternoon and we’ll go get dinner at the church.”
“I’m sorry,” said Selena. The thought of a nap was glorious. “I don’t want to be rude. I really, really appreciate your help.”
“Pfff!” Grandma Billy waved a hand. “It ain’t rude to ask for what you need. And I’d be a pretty poor neighbor keeping you standing here talking when you’re ready to drop.”
She moved toward the door.
Is she offended? I hope she’s not offended. Oh god ...
“It’s not you,” said Selena desperately.
“’Course it ain’t,” said Grandma. She grinned again and Selena felt vaguely soothed despite herself. “Amelia used to say, ‘Look, Grandma, not feelin’ social today,’ and I’d say, ‘Right, come on by if you change your mind!’ and there were never no hurt feelings on either side. It’s easier to get sick of people when there ain’t manyaround. Don’t ask me how that works. I’ll come by ’bout three, that sound good?”
“Three would be perfect.” Selena gripped the doorframe. “I’m looking forward to it.”
She was surprised to find, when she woke up, that she had been telling the exact truth.
Chapter 5
The meal at the church was easier than she had expected. Selena had had too much time to think about it and had been bracing herself. A new social group full of unwritten rules that she might accidentally break was her worst nightmare. She could usually get by on scripts, and having Walter to help her, but Walter wasn’t here, and what if she did something horribly egregious and didn’t realize it?
When the worst didn’t happen, she felt unsettled, as if she’d been leaning against a wind that suddenly stopped blowing.
It was Grandma Billy who made it work, of course. She swept into the rectory with Selena and Copper in tow, carrying a coffee can full of hard-boiled eggs and some early greens. Selena was lugging a bag of potatoes that Grandma had handed to her. She felt a little embarrassed to be bringing someone else’s food to the potluck, but it felt good not to come with empty hands.
