“I don’t love you, Zhang.”
“You don’t ever have to.”
“Everything you’re saying is true, but it’s not the honest truth. Tell me the honest truth, Zhang.”
“Are you sure? Once you know you can never unknow and I think that you might want to stab me in the heart for real if I tell you.”
I turn away from him and look to the sky as if the Gods have ever had answers for me. “Tell me.”
His breath is sharp and facing away from him like this, I can’t see his eyes. That’s better. His eyes are too much for me right now.
“I don’t know if it’s love.”
“Zhang.”
“Are you going to let me speak?”
“I’ll be quiet now.”
“I don’t know if it’s love,” he repeats. “I know that I need to be near you. I know that I need to protect you, even when you hate me for it. I know that you make me miserable, the most miserable I’ve ever been. I know how much you hate the snow and love the rain, and so I find myself walking in the rain when I can’t be with you and thinking about you cozy inside with your book because as much as you love the rain, you’d never be caught dead outside in it if you didn’t have to be. I take pride in being strong enough to take your hardest hits—verbal and physical. I understand you even when you don’t make sense to yourself. My chest is hollow when you’re away from me, and I want to glow so badly when I’m with you, but I know you’ll absolutely hate that, so I don’t dare. And now I’m terrified I’ve just lost you forever.”
That was—all of that—the best thing anyone’s ever said about me. I don’t know how it’s possible, especially from him. What I’m supposed to do is turn, run into his arms, and tell him I’ve realized my feelings for him too.
But I’m incapable.
“I don’t love you, Zhang,” I repeat.
“You don’t ever have to,” he says again.
I turn around. “Won’t it be heartbreaking for you to marry someone you feel that way about who doesn’t feel the same?”
He shakes his head. “My goal has never been to be loved by you. Not that I’m opposed to that.”
“Then what is your goal?” Because I don’t fucking get it.
“To make sure you’re as happy as your cynicism allows for. Well, and lately, keep you alive.”
“Lately? I’ve always been at risk of dying. I was a Guardian.”
“Yes, but not like this. I mean, I worry about that too, but I accept that because it’s what you love. You having a target on your back is another matter.”
I nod. “I propose we clear my name. Then you’ll be free to find someone else to give your virginity to.”
“I will do everything in my power to clear your name before you’re forced to marry me so thatyoucan be free. I’m not doing the second part. You’re stuck with me until you die one way or the other.”
I want to strangle him, which puts us right back on solid footing. “Not if I kill you first, Centaurus.”
He smiles. “Or worse. I might not have instantly fallen in love with you, but you might be in danger of instantly falling in love with me.”
“I will not become an insta-love trope. I sleep next to you and bring you all your food.”
He shrugs. “Poison is at the top for ways you’ll kill me first in our nebula’s gossip mill.”
“Too clean. I prefer bloodshed.”
“It’s like they don’t know you at all. C’mon.” He grabs my hand. “You’re still mine for two more days, and I want breakfast. It’s probably cold by now and you’ll have to reheat it.”
“You’re a lot of work,” I tell him. But if anyone else tries to do it for him, I’ll cut off their fingers.
