“I’m sorry. Things sounded bad. I wanted to … well I shouldn’t have.”
I can’t do this. “If things have changed for you, maybe we shouldn’t do this anymore. I don’t want to complicate sex with other things. You know the deal.”
Thingsare feelings.
I’ve always been transparent. There are good reasons I don’t do relationships.
“No. I know. But we care about each other. I was worried. That’s all.”
Yet, he wouldn’t have called like a worried partner before. A week of me being stranded at the house is good for another thing. “I can’t leave the house for a week. I won’t see you before you go home.”
“I could come to see you, maybe? I’m sure I could come up with a reason your uncle would have to allow me access that wouldn’t break your code of honor.”
Staring at my bed, I see a vision of him sleeping there, breathing softly, his chest rising and falling. I’d tug him by his long hair until he had no choice but to crane his neck to look back at me. He would smile because Gem always smiles at me. Then I would fuck him until he was dewy-eyed. Once he collapsed from exhaustion, I’d watch over him all night. I know he doesn’t need my protection, but he’ll have it anyway.
“Atlanta? You still there?”
“Ah, yeah, I’m here. Not a good idea. My uncle’s pissed. He let us off easy, but deep down he wants to pulverize us. We shouldn’t test him.” It’s the lamest excuse ever and he knows it. I’ve broken my codes of honor for Gem many times and while I don’t like pissing off my uncle, I’ve done that for Gem many times as well.
“Right. Yeah.”
He’s silent in a way that hollows my chest. Godsdammit. Something changed; slipped past my notice. It’s weird now. We do comfortable silences, not awkward ones.
There’s a sigh and then his frustrated noise. “I wanted to tell you in person—I tried to tell you tonight—Father is looking for a husband for me. The Guild’s been fussy and he thinks a marriage would look good for our family, maybe settle them. I’m the eldest so I was nominated. I couldn’t say no.”
All my breath is gone. I don’t know what to say. I didn’t bother preparing for this day. Stars don’t always marry, even royal ones. When a star marries, it’s forever. We live for so long, committing like that to anyone is a big deal. Star marriages come with a lot of rules and stipulations.
“Okay.” That’s not enough, but it’s all I can manage.
“I wish … no, that’s not fair. I know our deal. I’m being weird and scaring you off.” He knows me. I relax for a brief moment but then I remember, I’m losing him. Forever.
Stars can marry more than one person, but it’s not simple. A head of house can add to his or her household at will, but further marriages have to be granted by the king. He has to be convinced that another person should be added to the marriage. Star marriages are written into the fabric of space and time. It’s not a vow taken lightly, which is why some never take it at all.
But two things are certain. The king would never approve of our marriage. An Orion to a Centaurus? Not in this lifetime or the next. For two, even if Gem’s new husband was open enough to have me join their relationship as a casual partner that wouldn’t fly with me. I only tolerate the knowledge that Gem can be with others if he chooses. We are casual after all.
And yet we’re not. I never want to see it. Or hear about it. Our unspoken rule became an unspoken rule when I nearly pulled one of his lovers’ asses through his throat.
If he’s married to someone else, with all that a star marriage entails, I don’t want to see it. Or hear about it.
I tense all over again. He sniffles, and I imagine the tears zig-zagging over his cheeks. I can’t even hold him. “I’m sorry. I thought you should know. Things don’t have to change for now.”
But they have. I don’t like change, but I’m not so delusional that I can’t determine when change has happened. The uncertainty of change is all over me. Infesting me. Eating me from the inside.
Fuck it. Gemini should belong to me.
“Maybe I could … would your father consider me?” Did I just say that?
“I love you for saying that, Lanta.” A sob breaks from the depths of his lungs. “But no, he wouldn’t.”
My heart tears out of my chest. The limits, the boundaries, the distance—all of that was to prevent this. And it’s happening anyway. I’ll live to regret not kissing him before I left him tonight.
“I’m not sure you’re ready for that anyway,” he adds.
Yeah, well love didn’t give a fuck about consent or me being ready. It’s bound me to him anyway. I’m frozen, though. Why won’t the words come? I should be saying this to him, not thinking it in my head, but I’m paralyzed.
“I’m not coming back. I can call you in a couple of days unless you don’t want me to. Oh Gods, Atlanta, please say something.”
“O-Okay. Call me.”
