He frowned. “Did I miss the vote? I’m not ready for that, Merc.”
“None of us were. If I didn’t think you could learn, I wouldn’t give you the responsibility. You know that.”
Despite his hesitation, his chest puffed up. I remember that kind of bravery in the face of fear. He wanted to step up and if there’s anything I’ve learned from raising and coaching young people it’s that they need opportunities to grow with room to fail. That’s how self-esteem is built.
Even for adults, which was what brought on my nerves when I prepared to share the next piece of information. I was already gripped by imposter syndrome. My family’s faith was the driving force behind the steps I would take moving forward while I didn’t have my own and was in no way ready to take the leap.
“I’ve taken a job with the Kelowna Wildcats as head coach, which means we’ll have more money.” Start with the pros. You always start with the fucking pros.
There were hoots and hollers and talk of getting new bikes and PlayStations. “No one’s getting a PlayStation,” I told them. They spend enough time on their fucking phones. “But maybe new bikes could be arranged.”
“And, and, and a cat!” Theo said despite our last conversation about it.
“And a cat,” I said because I’m not above bribery and I knew I was about to break his heart. Bea shot me a dirty look that I ignored.
Rachel and Dawson don’t agree on much these days, but that day they did. “You’ll be gone,” Rachel said, knowing how it works.
“That’s fucking stupid,” Dawson said, his temper more like mine, shoving away from the table.
“Hey,” Ari said. “Watch your damn mouth.”
“Is that really all you could come up with, son?” Dad said. If he felt responsible—finally—he should. It didn’t stop the pang of guilt. It’s a fucking merry-go-round when you simultaneously want someone to be accountable for their actions and want to shield them from ever having to.
“It’s all we could come up with and it’s done. I leave in a few weeks.” I hardened. It’s the only way I’ve ever been able to cope with emotions I have no idea how to handle.
Theo—who was to my right—climbed into my lap. “I don’t need a cat, Merc. If I don’t get a cat, can I come with you?”
Fucking hell. His tormented expression that day will always be a stain on my soul. I don’t know how much he remembers about his mama, but he asks from time to time when she’ll be back with the same tortured look in his eyes. Now I’d fucking put it there. I’ll never forgive myself.
“I wish you could,” I said. “We’ll arrange some visits, okay?”
He didn’t answer, just clung to me for the rest of the night by way of protest. Made me think of those environmental protesters who tie themselves to trees.
Dawson had stormed out of the room by this point, unable to watch his baby brother mourn the loss of me before I’d even left.
Rachel was more vocal. “This is your fault, Dad.” Teens are crass and tell it like it is with sharp edges and everything that makes you wish you were dead. “Stop having more children we can’t afford. Now we’re losing Merc. I fucking hate you.”
She’s not a crier, but she cried and ran off with Dawson who was either her worst enemy or her very best friend depending on the minute.
Dad crumpled in on himself. I sighed and rocked Theo.
Lorelei and Bethany left their seats too, but they were calm when they approached me. Business-like. I could definitely see them running the world someday. “Merc? We’ve talked about it, and we know you don’t want to leave,” Lorelei said.
They had? It couldn’t have been more than five minutes of drama even if it’d felt like an eternity.
“I don’t, gorgeous.”
She nodded sagely as though that was what she expected. “We don’t think it’s because we need new bikes either. It must be important.”
“So important,” I said. My eyes were burning, but unlike Ari who was now openly bawling, I had to hold it the fuck together. The room had already been knocked on its ass. If I started crying, it would never get back up.
“We also know you’ve always wanted to be a hockey coach when you grew up,” Bethany said.
They did? It was news to me.
“If someone tried to stop us from our dreams, we’d be real sad. We love you, Merc. We want you to do this. I’ll be rich sometime soon and can fly to see you wherever,” Lorelei added. “I’ll buy a house next to yours. You can come for tea sometimes.”
I smiled.
