He sits where instructed. I pull the rest of what I need from the fridge. “Tell me what’s bothering you.”
“Do you really believe I didn’t escape the Randall curse? Or have I just not reached the part where you say you’re fine about what … about feeling like you abandoned me?”
I slop a wallop of banana custard onto the first layer with my spatula. “I’ll never be ‘fine’ about it. I did that. It affected you. It hasn’t left you, Oliver.”
He rolls his eyes. “Yes, it has, Silas. I don’t even remember. You can let it go.”
“Your conscious mind doesn’t remember, but your subconscious mind does.”
“How can you know that?”
I stop icing the cake, press my palms flat to the counter and lean toward him. “Okay, Oliver. Go sleep somewhere else for the night. I’ll even let you take Julius with you.”
“Easy. I’ll raise you a week.”
I know what he’s thinking. “Not at Simon and Shane’s. A hotel. Somewhere you’re unfamiliar with. SomewhereIhaven’t stayed with you before.”
He pales. “I … I would have stayed at Julius’s apartment when he had it. I asked.Yousaid no.” He’s clutching at his chest. His hand claws at his shirt. I let him feel it. I’ve tried to hide it from him, but deep down he knows. It’s better he just knows.
“I did say no, and itwasfor selfish reasons. It was also to save you the embarrassment of me picking you up in the middle of the night.”
“You can’t prove that.”
“No. Do I need to? Should I make a reservation for your birthday? The hotel just in town—it’s lovely.”
He hides his face in his hands. “No. Fuck.No.Oh, God. Silas, make it stop. Please.”
I set down my spatula, walk around the counter, and pull him to me. I rub his back. “I’m here, Eaglet. I’m not going anywhere,” I say like he’s three years old and it’s nineteen eighty-seven and he’s scared of invisible monsters I have to see for him.
“This is the thing—the clawing.”
“The clawing?”
He nods into my chest, pulling in breaths. “Ye-Yeah. I feel it when … well I don’t know when exactly. Sometimes I’m okay and then other times, the thought that you’re not within reach sends me into a panic.”
“I understand, Eaglet. I feel the same way.”
“I wondered if you did.”
I ruffle his hair. “Believe me now?”
“Yeah. I guess I did know though. I had already said no to Julius’s invitation. It was only thanks to a surge of I-want-to-be-an-adult bravery that I asked at all.”
I release a half smile, squeezing him before I return to my cake. I take up my spatula again. “You’re still an adult.”
“Not a very good one. Oh God, Silas. How do we fix this?”
“I don’t know. We’ve both been to enough therapy for three lifetimes. It never went away.” I’m not sure they make therapy for people like us yet.
“Are you okay with it?”
“No. I want you to have a normal life. I’m not sure you will. I hate that I’m responsible for that.”
“Yeah, no. You’re not taking the blame for this.Hedid this. We’re both affected. You don’t get to have a normal life either. I’m sure you and Lakshan would like the house to yourself someday.”
On cue, Lakshan’s jubilant voice rings out, his soft Hindi accent wrapping around his words. He must be talking to his sister. She’s the only one he speaks Hindi to these days. He freezes, lifting his sunglasses to his forehead, assessing the anguish level of the kitchen.
I’m not fluent in Hindi, but I know enough to know he’s telling his sister he’ll call her later. My eyes focus on his thick black collar. He shouldn’t wear that thing all the time. I indulge him too much. I indulge everyone around here too much.
