“No. I do love you. The truth is I don’t want to, but I fucking do. I wouldn’t leave with Oliver if you gave me full custody.” I meant it.
“Because you need my money. What about when Oliver is eighteen and moved out?”
It was spiraling out of control. I had to do something. I straddled him, a knee to the outside of each of his thighs and I gripped his shirt.
“Oliver isn’t moving out. He’s stuck with me forever. I won’t let him move out. Maybe he’ll want to, but I won’t care. Are you happy? You’ve done it. I’m like you now.”
He smiled because he knew what I was saying. Whatever had been done to him to make him like he was, the pattern had repeated, and it was in me now. Likely, it was in Oliver too.
Aleksander wasn’t supposed to let me leave. That’s not how this fucked up cycle worked. He’d made me be with him in the first place. Manipulated. Lied. Used violent and terrible means. Was he really going to attempt a holy relationship now? That was never going to happen.
“You used Oliver to get what you wanted from me, and you have it now.”
“You never would have been with me otherwise.”
“No, I wouldn’t have, Aleksander. Because no matter how we cover it up, you will always be my biological father. You’ll have to continue to find the means to coerce me because it will always bother me. That doesn’t make my love for you any less real. You still get that unconditionally. The rest will always be conditional.”
He ran his hand up my shirt. “But we understand that about each other. You understand why I can’t ever let you go?”
“Yes.”
“Then may you never have to feel this way, Silas.”
“You said it didn’t matter. That my participation was enough. You got more than you ever wanted.”
“I didn’t know how much I was going to … I’ve never felt this way before. You don’t know what you do to me. I didn’t think I could love someone like this.”
I liked to believe he loved me because it was easier to live with that story, but I don’t know if it was love or obsession.
Our foreheads touched.
“I’ll do anything for you.”
“Anything except leave you.”
“Yes. I’ll hunt you to the end of the Earth, Silas.”
I pull myself out of the book and it feels like I’m emerging from heavy water, still weighing me down even when I’m free, dripping away slowly. Was something done to Aleksander to make him like he was? Or was he just evil? How much do we know about his past?
When I check in with Darry again, he’s staring at me.
“I’m fine,” I lie. He doesn’t believe me.
“Oliver, I swear to fucking God—”
“Just let me read till the end of this part. I’m almost done.”
Instead of answering, he returns to pounding the shit out of the heavy bag. I take that to mean I can keep going.
Let’s see. New York. Silas heads to New York at Aleksander’s insistence for a visit with the Barbados friends. Silas doesn’t want to go because he doesn’t want to leave me—even though it’s only for two nights.
I sneak a hand to my chest. The clawing. It begins at a low grade. Fuck. I breathe—like Silas taught me—and it doesn’t overtake me but it means reading has a shelf life and I’m going to have to see Dad after this.
They argue in New York. The trip doesn’t begin well. Somehow before dinner, Silas and Aleksander have the other couples admiring their love. Silas goads Aleksander into telling the table the story of how they married, which is fabricated of course—they aren’t married for real. Aleksander’s story ends with:
“The national flower of Barbados as I’m sure some of you know is called the Pride of Barbados. It’s a favorite of bees, birds, and butterflies. Silas is my butterfly. He’s rare. He’s the most beautiful thing to grace the Earth. Selfishly, I want to keep him in a bottle all for myself. People can look through the glass but looking is all they’ll ever do. He’ll always have lots of space to fly around, but it will be where I can hold him captive.”
Silas is transfixed by his words. Enraptured. Did Silas like being held captive?
