“Bedsport—sexual congress between a man and a woman—you’re not used to it yet.”
“No, but I do enj—”
“That’s not what I mean, though I’m glad you didn’t find it distasteful.”
“Not at all, in fact—”
“But it’s just bedsport,” he said bluntly. “These feelings you’re experiencing at the moment? It’s the act that creates them. It’s common to mistake those feelings for love, especially when one is new to sexual congress. But it’s not.” He gave her a steady look. “It’s just bedsport. So don’t fool yourself into imagining it’s anything more.”
There was a long silence. They rode on. Clouds were starting to build up. The breeze freshened, whipping the waves in the distance.
“You mean all the women you’ve lain with feel like”—she gestured vaguely—“this?”
“No, the women I lay with in the past were all veryexperienced. They knew it meant nothing, just pleasure.” And how cynical was that? But it was true.
“I see.” Her happy glow faded. “So you’re telling me that lo—what I feel is just the result of... what we did in bed?”
“Yes.” He felt like a brute, but it had to be done, for her own sake. “I know it sounds hard, but don’t make yourself miserable crying for the moon. The best basis for marriage is liking and respect—friendship. If we can achieve friendship between us, that will be enough.”
“Friendship. I see. And what if...” She hesitated, then lifted her chin and decided to say it anyway. “What if I want more than that?”
Ned knew what she was saying. This was the girl, after all, who’d told him she wanted to marry for love. But life wasn’t what you thought it was at eighteen. He’d learned that the hard way. He’d rather die than put her through what he had.
“Then you’ll be courting disappointment,” he said in a hard voice. She didn’t realize it, but he was letting her down gently.
She gave him a long, thoughtful look, then turned her horse around and headed at a fast canter back in the direction of the house. He didn’t follow. She looked a bit upset, but that was understandable.
He watched her disappearing over the hill. He’d done the right thing. So why did he feel so... wretched?
Better to have lowered expectations early on, than to dream of glory and be shattered.
• • •
Lily urged her horse faster. The breeze, crisp and cold and smelling of salt, was bracing, invigorating. But it didn’t cool her anger.
She hate-hate-hatedthe termbedsport—it was nothing of the sort! What she did with her husband—in or out of the bed—“riding” or “dessert” or whatever silly name he wanted to call it—was notsport! It was part of the blessed sacrament of marriage.
And shehatedhearing about the women he’d lain within the past—even if she had been the one to bring them up. Lesson learned. She’d never do that again.
So he didn’t want her to havefeelings. Such a ridiculous, manlike thing to say. As if she had any choice in the matter.
But if he didn’t like her having feelings, she’d just have to keep them to herself.
And if he thought friendship was enough, well, fine—he could think what he wanted! It wasn’t enough for her.
Maybe she was being unrealistic in hoping he would come to love her, but better to aim for the moon than not eventry. Why wouldn’t he try? Why try instead to crush all possibilities—on the very first day of their honeymoon? And after such a beautiful start.
She was so angry she could spit!
Did he really not believe in love? How could he not? There was evidence of love all around them. The whole world operated on love. Oh, she wasn’t a fool—she knew there was hate and violence and terrible things—and people—in the world, but what held families together, what gave people hope, and strength, what nourished children—and adults—was love, an endless well of it.
It was almost as if he were somehow afraid of it. But that was ridiculous. Everybody wanted to be loved, didn’t they?
Everyone except her husband, apparently.
It was a puzzle. It wasn’t as if he couldn’t love. She was sure he loved his grandfather, and that his grandfather loved him. The other day he’d told her about the time he’d almost married a woman his grandfather had chosen for him, just because he thought it would please the old man, who he thought at the time was dying.
“I didn’t even like the woman. I was dreading it. Luckily for me, she cried off just before the wedding.”
