“Does something have to be wrong?” Ryan snapped, stepping farther into the room and dropping into the chair in front of my desk. “I can’t just come see you?”
“No, you can,” I answered, walking back around the desk and sitting across from him. “But you never do.”
“Don’t make this a big deal or anything.” He tightened his jaw.
I couldn’t even guess at why he’d come to see me. Then fear took root in my gut.
What if Ryan had somehow found out about me and Cason?
For the past week, Cason had come over and we’d fucked several times—with him topping each time. In fact, he should still be at my house at that exact moment, probably showering and getting ready for work. And it wassonot the time to be thinking about Cason naked in my shower.
“Okay,” I said, trying to relax. Ryan wasn’t nearly angry enough. If he was there about Cason, he would’ve walked in shouting at me.
Inhale. Exhale.
“You know I’m still not okay with all of this,” Ryan said, shifting in his seat. “Finding out you’re gay was and still is a shock. I don’t know how to deal with it.”
Breathing was hard. It had been five months since the blowup with Ryan, and he very rarely brought it up in conversation. Why was he doing it now?
“I’m sorry you found out the way you did,” I said, glad my voice didn’t shake. “If I could go back, I would’ve done everything differently.”
“Yeah, but you can’t go back,” Ryan snapped, sitting forward and clasping his hands together. “I walked in on you all over some guy, and I can’t ever unsee that shit. I don’t like my dad being gay. All right?”
“I’m sorry you feel that way.” The crack in my heart widened. “But I can’t change who I am.”
“That’s what Mom said.”
“She did?” I asked, a little shocked. When Ryan found out I was gay and told Amber, she had called me and screamed for nearly an hour. I understood her hurt. She had been married to me for nearly sixteen years and never knew.
“Yeah,” Ryan responded. “She said it’s bad to harbor hatred in my heart or whatever. But I never hated you for it. I just don’t like it. You were straight all your life, so I don’t see why you have to be this way now.”
Ryan didn’t know how much I had struggled. He’d never given me the chance to tell him. Even now, I sensed his ears were closed on the matter.
“Is that why you’re here?” I asked, allowing my hurt to transition to annoyance. “To tell me how much you don’t approve of my life? Last I checked, I was the parent.”
Ryan scoffed and stood up. “Whatever. I thought maybe we could talk, but you’re still the same hard-ass as usual.”
I had hoped Ryan would eventually come to terms with everything. Was this his way of trying?
“Wait,” I said, standing up as he stormed toward the door. He turned to glare at me. “It’s almost noon. Do you want to grab lunch somewhere?”
The hardness around his eyes softened, if only a little. And for a moment, I saw the son who used to look at me like I was his hero. I knew it wasn’t easy for him. He had never handled change well. Finding out I was gay had been the thing that tipped him over the edge.
“I guess I could eat something,” Ryan said, keeping a defensive attitude despite the eagerness I saw in his eyes.
Fifteen minutes later, we were sitting at Joe’s Diner, one of Ryan’s favorite burger joints. He had ordered a vanilla milkshake and drank it while we waited for our food.
“Do you remember the first time I brought you here?” I asked, looking around the restaurant. It hadn’t changed much over the years. Same ’50s diner vibe with the same red jukebox in the corner. “You were six and got so excited when seeing the waitresses wearing skates.”
Ryan smiled before forcing it from his face. He was trying so hard to stay mad at me. “Don’t remember.”
“Then you got chocolate ice cream all over your Spider-Man shirt.”
“It was strawberry not chocolate,” Ryan corrected.
I smiled. “I thought you didn’t remember.”
He froze before looking out the window. “Whatever.”
