“I don’t know what a puffy-eyed panda looks like, but you’re beautiful.” He flashes me a wide smile, making me laugh.
“Thanks, but you have to compliment your clients, don’t you?” I crumple the tissue into a ball and throw it in the trash can that sits next to the nightstand.
His face grows serious. “No, I’m not lying. I really mean it.”
I just watch him for a moment, then run a hand through my hair. Maybe coming here has been a mistake. Maybe I should just stop wasting Caleb’s and my time and leave. But how would leaving help me get my ex out of my head? God knows I’ve tried everything. “You’re probably wondering why I pushed you...”
“You don’t have to explain anything.” His dark eyes are intent on mine. “Unless that’s what you want. Maybe I can help. And whatever you say or do won’t leave this room.”
I chew on the insides of my cheek. Maybe he’s right. “My ex-boyfriend... He thinks there’s something wrong with me because we couldn’t... We couldn’t have sex.” My mind flashes back to the day Mark broke up with me.
“You lied to me! You don’t love me at all,” Mark yells, getting up from the bed.
“What?” I choke out, my mouth going slack. “How can you even say that? You know I do!”
He snorts. “No, you don’t. Of all the girls I slept with, none had this problem.” He curls his lip in disgust. “You’re no good for anything. I’ve been very patient with you, but after three times... It’s time to finish this farce.”
I grit my teeth, clutching the sheets to myself. “Then you better fucking leave!”
“Oh, I will.” After hastily putting on his clothes, Mark opens the door, then looks over his shoulder at me with a sneer. “You’ll see. It’s all your fault.”
I pick the vase up off the nightstand and throw it across the room, but it crashes against the door. Mark is gone.
I rub my eyes and look at Caleb, whose attention is focused on me. “He broke up with me after our third failed attempt to have sex, and the things he said to me... I knew he was wrong and not right in the head, but then I met another guy and... I just froze.” I shake my head. “It’s crazy. I even went to a doctor for a check up and she assured me I was probably just scared and not ready because my ex was pushy, but... I don’t remember feeling scared and I know I wanted him. He was the first of my boyfriends I was sure I wanted to have sex with. It’s just...” I look down at my hands in my lap. “I don’t know. It didn’t work out, and now every time I... get intimate with someone, all I can see and hear is him. I even talked about it with my therapist, and nothing.” I shrug. “Everything seems fine until a certain point when I just panic.”
“Your ex sounds like an asshole.” Caleb casually leans on the wall, his arms crossed in front of his bare chest, his fingers flexing. He looks as if he were posing for a photograph.
“I know. That’s why I want to forget him and finally be free of him.” It’s ridiculous that one part of me seems to think Mark could be right, but I can’t help myself. The fear is too real. It grips my insides and squeezes even harder when I try to ignore it. No matter how much I try to convince myself everything is fine, my body doesn’t listen.
“Did you try longer foreplay or use some lube?”
“Yeah, at one point.” I cringe at the memory of the annoyed look on Mark’s face. “But my ex kind of lost his patience after a while.” A frown creases my brow. “I don’t remember how long we tried or how much lube he used, but when he tried to enter me, it hurt like hell.”
“What about the second guy?”
I hesitate. “He’s a friend. Sort of. We met at the bar.”
“Did he do anything to make you uncomfortable?” Caleb carefully observes my face.
“Um, I don’t know. We were slightly drunk and... I don’t know.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” he says with all the certainty in the world.
“You can’t know that. Look what happened...”
“I can prove it.” His voice is low and seductive. “You were never with someone who paid attention to your body instead of seeking their own pleasure.”
I raise an eyebrow at him. “And what if it doesn’t work out? What if I really can’t...?”
He shrugs. “Nothing. At least I can give you a couple of orgasms before you leave.”
I gape at him and he smirks.
Pushing himself off the wall, he comes to stand in front of me. “You’re overthinking it. Enjoy the sensations and don’t worry about anything.”
I lick my dry lips. Am I so afraid of failure that my worst nightmares come true because I can’t stop thinking about ruining everything? Probably. But I don’t know how to stop myself. I know that the more I think about it, the worse it gets, and I wish I could force myself to think about something else, but I don’t know how.
“What were you thinking about when you pushed me away?”
