I turn so I can rest my elbow on the back of the bench and study him. “That’s where we are?”
He closes his eyes and gives his head a single shake, like he can’t believe I have to ask. “Yeah, Phoebe. That’s where I am. I care. You, I don’t know.”
I care. Too much. About everything. Especially this job and Jay. They’re all mixed up together. Jay permeates every part of it. I don’t know how to think of them separately. “I need to think. We have a board meeting Tuesday. I’m overwhelmed, and I can’t pick apart all the feelings. I feel like spaghetti inside.”
“Spaghetti?” he repeats, and I can tell he wants to laugh.
“That’s the only way I can explain it.”
“I might understand that.” He reaches out to give my resting arm a gentle tug, repositioning me so he can tuck me against his side, his arm around me again. “How can I help?”
“Maybe give me some time?” I say. “Time to figure this out without feeling like I’m dealing with an ultimatum?”
He brushes a kiss against my hair. “Done. You’ll get no ultimatums from me. I only want to understand what you think we are. The last thing I want to do is talk you into anything. But I want you to know that …”
I wait for him to finish, almost holding my breath. But he doesn’t finish the thought. “What?” I ask softly. “What do you want me to know?”
“I don’t want this to feel like pressure.”
“It’s okay. Tell me.”
“I got my rooftop clarity. I want to see where this goes between us. I know the stakes are high for you. In a way, they feel that high for me too because I know how it’s going to feel if this doesn’t work out. I don’t want to dig into it any more than that, because you need to think about what’s best for you. But I’m invested.” A soft laugh. “That’s the least intense way I can think of to put it.”
I want to turn my head, pull him to me, and dive into another time-obliterating kiss. But I know at a fundamental level, the core part of us designed to keep us safe, if I do that, my choice will be made for me, and it won’t be my brain making it. My heart has led me to some questionable places, but my brain will try to do what’s best for all of me, not just the part of me that wants to melt in Jay’s arms like nothing else matters.
“Thank you,” I say. “For being honest.”
He nods. “I was thinking … how much prep do you still need to do for the next board meeting?”
“The PowerPoint is ready. I need to practice, and no matter how much I do that, I’ll still feel like I need to practice more.”
“This lead I got on Samuel Davis Brown—it’s up in New Jersey, in a private library. I think I’ll drive out tomorrow and research onsite. I’ll be back by the board meeting. I won’t be in touch, but not because I’m ignoring you. Just so you have some space.”
“Do you really need to go in person, or are you making up a trip as a favor to me?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know how good this information is. The family has some old letters from Brown. They haven’t publicized them because he’s an ancestor, and not the kindyou brag about. They may be nothing, but I need to check them out at some point, so it may as well be now.”
I consider that. “Then I’m happy you found a lead. It’s a good time for me to take that space.”
We sit for a while before the sound of the door opening to the roof breaks the spell.
We straighten, and Jay stands to give me a hand up before we turn and walk toward the stairs, close to each other but no longer touching.
Sophie, the woman I’ve chatted with by the mailboxes, steps out and notes us with surprise. “Oh, hello. I didn’t know anyone was up here. I was just coming to check on the drip system.”
“Sophie, right? You’re the one who keeps up the garden?” I ask.
“That’s me.”
“It’s stunning. I’m Phoebe, and this is my friend, Jay. I’m the director of the museum opening next spring, and I’m looking for a landscaper. Would you be interested?”
“That’s so flattering! Thank you, but I’m moving soon. I do have a great person I can recommend for the job.”
“That would be great,” I say. “I’m in 3E if you want to drop a business card in my mailbox or something. Oh, and I was wondering if you could tell me what that plant is?” I turn to point at one of the dwarf trees and drop my hand in surprise. A single blossom blooms on a vine at its base, and I can’t believe I missed it. “I didn’t notice that before. It’s beautiful.”
Jay follows my gaze to the flower. It looks like a cross between a lily and an orchid, with white petals and a deep pink center. “Whoa, yeah. What is that?” he asks, turning toward Sophie.
Sophie’s eyes are wide as she looks back and forth between us. “It’s a … special hybrid.”
