I physically block his mouth. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I can see the smile in Mark’s eyes.
He stares at me until I lower my hand. “Shall we go shoe shopping?” he asks.
I nod.
I mull everything over as we drive into the shopping district. “I’m sorry that you had a hard time with your family,” I say. “I’ve insulted you a few times about being upper class—I never meant it.” It’s hard to get my head around what he told me. That he had been used so much that he lost trust in people approaching him…Given his personality, it’s impossible to picture anyone taking advantage of Mark. I wonder, is it intentional that he comes across that way?
“What about Sebastian?” I ask as Mark tries on a pair of hiking boots in his size. “Is he like the rest of your family?”
“No, which is why he’s here with me,” Mark answers. “If Sebastian has something on his mind, he tells you. Usually, he’s telling me and Eddie that we’re idiots.”
“He was calling you and Tommy that at the volleyball game.”
Mark snorts. “I bet he was.” He stands up and walks around the aisle in the boots.
I watch him. “How do they feel?”
“Snug.”
“Try the next size up. It’s better to be slightly too big than tight.”
Mark sits and bends to undo the laces.
“What about Eddie?” I ask. “How did you two end up friends?”
“We ended up in the same college house. Me, him, three other guys…” Mark grimaces. “I almost dropped out after dealing with the mess. Eddie was the worst of them. Yet after a year of bickering, I didn’t hesitate when he suggested we rent an apartment for the next year. Of course, our apartment of two became three when Sebastian moved in.”
“He always had your back during club meets.”
“And I’m sure he always will. And Kyle…” Mark slowly sits up. His cheek indents for a moment, like he’s biting the inside. It relaxes as he breathes out. “Eddie has known I’m gay from the first time we’ve met. I’ve lived with him for two years, and he’s never, not once, made even the smallest remark about me liking guys. Not even if I did some mental gymnastics, would I be able to twist something he said to mean anything negative about my sexuality, either. He’s a good guy, and I know him well enough to know he’s never made any comments like that to you. I know you two don’t get along, but I don’t want you to think that means he’d give you grief for being gay. Alright?” Mark’s dark eyes meet mine. “And I know that telling you this won’t magically make the anxiety you feel around him disappear, but I hope it can help a little. Eddie is like my Tommy. He’s always had my back.”
I suddenly feel terrible about how I’ve been acting around Eddie. And at the same time, I can’t help but appreciate Mark’s patience.
Mark is safe.
I keep my nerves calm and breathe out as I sit next to him. “Eddie,” I begin carefully. “Lookslike the guy I fancied in school. And when I see him, it’s not even as if the memories come swarming back, but more like, someone is grabbing a hold of my stomach in their fist. I feel like a bundle of stress, and when I try to interact with you when I feel like that, it always comes out wrong.”
Mark straightens. “Wait. Hang on one second. Eddie reminds you of your crush? Not the bullies?”
I blink, his aghast tone catching me off guard. Kind of killing all the careful momentum I had built up to actually tellMark. “Yeah?”
“My best friend is your type?”
I blink again. Mark’s expression was all compassion and understanding a second ago, now it’s irritation. “I mean, that wasn’t really the point of me telling you all that.”
“I can’t believe this.”
“Mark.” I press my lips together hard. He’s being serious. I can see that he’s being serious, that the vexation in the way he runs his fingers through his hair, rough and jerky, is real. “You’re killing the mood. I was opening up to you.” I’m barely keeping the laugh in. My tension is gone, dissipated into nothing.
“He’s not even good looking.”
“Mark.” My forehead bumps into his shoulder. I cover my mouth, but the laugh gets out.
“This isn’t funny.”
“You’re ridiculous.”
