Nash desperately tries to ignore the clutching feeling in his chest, and instead lets out a teenage-esque groan.‘I suppose so.But honestly, you probably won’t notice.’
‘I’m pretty sure I’d notice a seizure.’
‘You apparently didn’t notice your sister was in love with your fake girlfriend.’
‘You weren’t even there.And that’s different.’
‘Is it?’he teases.
Christopher parks the van in the drive, and they both stomp inside out of the bitter cold.
‘Tea?’Christopher asks, and Nash nods as they wander upstairs to the flat.
* * *
It all feels so ...terrifyingly normal.Domestic.And Nash hates to admit it, but he feels relaxed.Comfortable.
The flat is slightly warmer now the window isn’t wide open, and outside the orangey sunset turns quickly to a dark purple.There’s not enough light in this country, it turns out.
Beside him, Christopher pours hot water into the cups and stirs.He’s quiet, perhaps still taking in everything Nash said to him in the car.
‘No rogue cats this time,’ Nash says.
‘No,’ Christopher adds a little sadly.
‘We’ll go looking tomorrow.’He’s not sure why he promises this but Christopher looks so downtrodden and is being so nice that it slips out of him.
They walk into the living room and sit down at either end of the couch.
‘So, you were saying they’re not easy to notice?’Christopher ventures, blowing on the hot tea.
‘Yeah, there’s no shaking or anything really.I think that’s what most people think of.Kurt, that’s my agent, says I look like I’ve powered down, and before it happens, I get a bit slurry.He says I look like a rabbit in the headlights.’
Actually, what Kurt had said was that he looked like someone had brought up the concept of commitment to him, but that’s a whole other side to Nash that he has no desire to get into right now.
‘Do you know they’re happening?Or are you totally out?’
‘It’s weird, like, no I don’t know they’re happening necessarily, but I guess my brain or subconscious does know something is going on.Sometimes I get auras – those are actually small seizures – so like I smell smoke that isn’t there, or occasionally my vision will glitch, like someone knocked a few pixels out.It can be a little disorienting.’
‘And what is helpful for you during, and afterwards?’
God dammit.Why does he keep saying all the right things?This conversation is already excruciating to have with anear-stranger, but the fact that Christopher is responding theexact waythat Nash always hopes people will is killing him.Not Kermit.Not this giant posh flappy anxious weirdogetting it.Nash outright refuses to feel squishy and cared for by this gigantic locust man.
Except, he does.There’s the tingle in his chest.Respect.Care.Being treated like a person who matters.A feeling that he hasn’t felt in so long outside work because he’s kept people away, not least because so many of them run screaming about it being too serious for them.Or they did what Stefan did.After all, that’s why he has barely dated for years.One of a few reasons, at least.He shivers and pushes those memories back away.He might be willing to lay out the intricacies of his disability to Christopher but ...that?No.No, he never wants to talk about that.
‘Don’t call an ambulance unless it’s been like five minutes, and you should time it to make sure if you can.Just let me ride it out, and make sure there’s nothing I can hurt myself on.Then when I’m back, get me, like, a Snickers, and a drink of water.The seizures might be quick and look like nothing but they can knock me out for a day, maybe two if I’m really unlucky.I just need to sleep it off after.’
‘Okay.Just Snickers, or is any chocolate bar suitable?’
‘Just something in that vibe,’ he sighs, pretending to be exasperated but it’s hollow.He feels the need to act out, to spark up that back-and-forth, but Christopher just won’t bite now.He doesn’t want to outright yellcome on, argue with mebecause that’s weird behaviour, but part of him really does.This vulnerability is like an uncomfortable costume, itching at his skin.
‘It doesn’t have to be exactly the same thing.Just some kind of sugary salty snack.I don’t even know if our Snickers is the same as your Snickers anyway.’
‘Noted.’NoI’m just trying to help, or anything like that.The man just takes Nash’s stinky little attitude, even when he’s putting it on, and swallows it, and the worst part is,it’s making that tingly feeling grow more.They need to have a fight so he can dispel it, remember how annoying he is.
How annoyinglynicehe is.
All the talk of Snickers reminds them that they haven’t actually eaten anything for dinner yet.Given the cat already opened the packet, they decide on the remaining sausages fried up to make mustard-laced sandwiches.With a hot tea, it is somehow exactly what Nash needed.It’s the sort of thing he craves after a seizure, really – carbs, protein, and some sugar.Comfort food that replaces all the energy he’s lost into the void.
