Thinking about Auden, he decided to pull out his phone and send him a quick text wishing him a good day. He knew Auden couldn't answer since he was already at work (Tomas had driven over, picked him up, and dropped him off early this morning so he wouldn't have to walk), but knowing he'd see it eventually was enough.
Tomas felt warm inside, like he was finally in the right spot in life. It was a good feeling. He hesitated a moment, then added a smooch emoji at the end of his tweet. Hopefully, that wasn't coming on too strong.
#
Tomas tried not tobe nervous, but it was a battle he kept losing. Tonight was the first time he and Auden were spending an evening together at his place. He'd tried to stock up on everything they might need: snack food, a couple of different movies to watch, things in the fridge to cook for a nice meal together. All the essentials. He'd even cleaned the place pretty damned thoroughly. Still, first impressions and all that, and this was new territory for them both.
Previously, their dates had all been about going somewhere, doing something. Physically active dates. Now, a far more sedentary one. They would have less to take the attention off any awkwardness; his personality needed to shine. Tomas was so nervous that he didn't think he could shine even if the world depended on it, but he reminded himself of his epiphany. He couldn't be someone else, didn't want to be. He could, and would, be himself. Kind and a little awkward. Auden had showed every sign of liking that fellow well enough. After all, Tomas hadn't been someone else on the previous dates; he'd just had more of a buffer.
Auden had insisted on getting his own ride here, and when he arrived and Tomas went to answer the door, his heart sank. Auden looked even more nervous than Tomas felt. He stood there with an awkward little half-smile, carrying a bottle of wine. He was dressed in casual jeans, and his big ugly coat obscured anything else he might be wearing.
When Tomas held the door for him, he stepped over the threshold, then stood up on his toes and gave Tomas a quick peck of a kiss. His mouth was cold, and his whole body seemed tense with nerves.
"Hey. Hi." Tomas put an arm around him, executing a neat move to usher him into the apartment in a half-embrace and shutting the door behind them as he turned, closing out the gusts of cold air. "Chilly night, huh?"
Oh, genius. He already knew there'd be no sparkling conversation coming from him, and from the nervous state of him, not from Auden, either.
"Wine? You shouldn't have." He wondered how much it had cost. Not that it was fair to wonder that; Auden didn't need him prying and judging. He knew very well he was supposed to pretend complete ignorance about the precarious state of Auden's finances. But that was a challenge.
"Would you have preferred beer? Or flowers?" Auden's inquiry seemed entirely genuine. "A gift for the host is only good manners."
Tomas paused, trying to parse how he felt about that. When he answered, it was honestly. "I guess I don't think you should have to use good manners around me. We know each other better than that, don't we?"
Auden turned a big smile on him. "Oh, do we? You're going to regret that, you know." He poked at Tomas's biceps with one finger, his expression turning impish. "I might say dirty words. I might leave my socks on the floor."
"Heavens." Tomas rolled his eyes, pressing a hand against his chest, although the socks comment had thrown him for a loop inwardly. They weren't moving in together yet, so it seemed to be jumping the gun. On the other hand, Auden seemed to be able to jump the gun a bit when it came to saying things that could be awkward — and it was a good thing if he was already contemplating moving in together, wasn't it? Tomas was thinking about it, too. It was good if they were heading towards the same page, even if it was too soon. At the very least, it was good to think about it.
Auden shed his coat and put it over the back of a chair. Tomas nearly swallowed his tongue trying to look casual. Underneath that awful monstrosity of a coat, Auden was wearing a tight-fitted shirt that was partly see-through and had some sequins sewn into it. It looked like something a skater would wear for a particularly grown-up routine. Where had he gotten it, and how did it fit him so precisely?
Tomas got his tongue to work. "In the interest of fairness, I should admit I cleaned the place really well before you got here. So, manners...yeah."
Auden laughed. "Honey, that's just being thoughtful, not formal." His voice dropped a little lower. "And I do like a thoughtful man." He approached Tomas, his steps getting a little more sliding or slinking somehow, and wrapped his arms around Tomas's neck, fitting their bodies together closely.
Oh, shit. Tomas's heart began to pound because, of course, he'd waited too long to have the talk. He'd completely failed to realize the exact nature of tonight's date, with all his planning and movies and popcorn. Now, didn't he feel like the world's biggest dope?
Auden had come here expecting sex, and Tomas had popped popcorn and picked movies, expecting a quiet night in.
Auden kissed him. Tomas put his hands carefully at Auden's waist, his mind racing. He accepted there would be sex; he would have to just do his best and hope neither of them was hurt about it afterwards. He didn't have condoms; he hadn't planned ahead. Maybe Auden wouldn't want to do anything complicated. But he really, really wished he'd manned up and tried to talk to Auden about his somewhat confused feelings earlier.
Auden kissed him thoroughly, then drew back to arm's length, smiling at him in a soft and pleased sort of way. Tomas thought he was doing a good job of keeping his feelings private, but when Auden looked at his face, Auden's smile drifted away, replaced by a look of concern. "What's the matter? Too much?"
"Um." He kept his hands at Auden's waist because he didn't know where else to put them. He hoped he could get his face under control; he didn't like showing so much of what he felt, even to Auden.
He felt oddly close to tears, entirely too vulnerable, and really, really stupid. Of course someone else would probably have realized immediately that "coming over to see a movie" was really about having sex. And he'd missed it. Completely.
Auden felt slim and appealing under his hands, but at the moment, he wished he was anywhere else, so he could get himself under some better control. Belatedly, he realized Auden was going to think Tomas didn't want to kiss him, and that definitely wasn't true.
"Thanks," he managed awkwardly, and finally released Auden. "Did you, um, not want to watch a movie, then?"
Auden studied him, far too clever to be fooled by such a terrible attempt to divert him. "I'd love to watch a movie with you." There was no doubting he meant it. "I have the feeling we need to talk about something. There's something you need to tell me?"
"Um. Yeah." When had it gotten so hot in here? It was like a sauna, he was so sweaty and overwarm.I should turn the heat down.
Auden laid a hand alongside Tomas's cheek, his touch cooling, his expression filled with compassion. "We can wait, if you want. If you're not ready. Is it something I need to know before we go any further?"
Tomas nodded a little. He sighed and rubbed a hand across his face. He hadn't realized it would be this hard. Possibly his experiences before now had left him a little more bruised and wary than he wanted to think about. The idea that someone would only want him for sex, and would leave as soon as they were done, that they might think he was a fool (and a frigid one at that)? Apparently, that was still a thing with him. A scary, shitty, fucked-up thing.
Auden's not like that. Even without knowing how the conversation would go, he knew that beyond a shadow of doubt.
