Thisisa date, isn't it? Why did he keep trying to tell himself it was only maybe a date?Because if I think about it too hard, I'll psych myself out. He had to take this very casually, or he'd scare himself and try to back out. Unfortunately, admitting that to himself ratcheted up his anxiety on the entire subject and made it harder to fool himself into thinking everything could be casual.Well, shit.
"If you need a ride, sometimes I can help. I mean, if I'm not on the clock."
"Thanks, but I have to get up pretty early. So, yeah, I don't think you want to deal with that right now. Anyway, we're supposed to be having a fun Sunday mall trip, not a downer of a transportation conversation, right?"
Auden flashed that bright, sweet smile again. Tomas wondered how it was possible to have a smile that looked strong enough and sweet enough to take on the whole world.
"Heh. Okay."Good one. Tomas bit his lip. He really was starting to like this guy. It was almost unfair how much he liked him already.
At first, he wasn't sure what they'd talk about, as nervous as he was feeling, but it turned out not to be a problem. Their casual strolling felt companionable, more fun than shopping alone ever could have, and it was mostly window shopping. Everything they looked at seemed to serve as a source of conversation, something to chat or joke about, something that led into rambling thoughts or revealed something personal but not overly personal: that Tomas liked houseplants but not pets because it didn't matter as much if you accidentally killed a houseplant, while a pet was a living, breathing life in your hands, and failure wasn't an option.
Auden mentioned he was allergic to seafood. "Not enough that I can't do my job, fortunately. Just being around it isn't a problem, but if I eat some, I have a weird reaction, sort of hives, and my throat gets really tight so it's hard to breathe, and my tongue is kind of numb. Yeah, it's weird, I know. But you know what? I can live without eating seafood. Now, if I was allergic to French fries, what would be the point of going on?"
Tomas laughed uneasily. Auden shot him a quick look and went on, "Not that there wouldn't be a point to going on. I mean, I'm not thinking of dying or offing myself. I'm just saying, I really like French fries — more than a wholesome amount, you know? I know you can't tell by my slim, boyish figure..." He posed and gestured grandly to himself, grinning. "But I really, really love French fries."
"Okay," Tomas said, grinning now. "I feel like you shouldn't have to translate everything you say for me, but I'm glad your slim, boyish figure has something to live for."
"You don't even know," Auden said with fake grandeur in his voice — and a spark of something more in his eyes.
It was so much fun to hang out and flirt and talk and shop together, it was hard to remember that this was all probably just a build-up to sex.
Now that Tomas had realized how little he cared about sex, and that it was probably not going to change, he thought it was probably only fair to mention that to Auden in case it was a deal-breaker. The only trouble was, he hadn't the least idea how to talk about something so serious, and he didn't want to shoehorn it into this fun time.
Still, one or both of them could get really hurt if he didn't open up at some point in this process. Even if he had sex with Auden and it was fine, he couldn't pretend forever that he actually cared about sex. It would hurt Auden's feelings later if he thought Tomas found him repugnant. Of course not caring about sex (and not wanting to think about it all the time) didn't have to mean he found someone repulsive, but that seemed to be how it was taken, at least the few times he'd tried to have that conversation. He definitely wasn't looking forward to having the same conversation with Auden.
They munched on French fries from the food court as they walked and chatted, then circled round again to get "the second course," as Auden put it. He had such a fine smile and a clever sense of humor that was never mean. That wasn't always an easy balance to find. It made him intensely likeable to Tomas, who loved a sense of humor but found himself put off by the sharp, cruel edges that often seemed to go with one.
Auden ate with a hunger that belied his slender build. Maybe he had a fast metabolism — and maybe he was hungry a lot, because he had a crap job and struggled with affording food. Tomas realized he'd been trying not to feel sorry for Auden, trying not to put him in the "poverty" box. But he already had, of course. It didn't take a genius to see money was an issue even if Auden was making the best of the life he had. Most people didn't work lower-than-minimum-wage jobs if they had a lot of other choices. Most people didn't walk miles and miles to work if they could afford a car.
It wasn't that he judged Auden for any of that — how stupid would that be? It was more that he felt protective and faintly guilty because he wasn't struggling financially at all. He had a good job and was fairly thrifty; no unexpected expenses or family needs had wiped him out or left him in debt. It wasn't exactly fun to look at the power imbalance that money might create between them.
Would Auden feel like he had to settle for someone like Tomas because at least he had a steady job that paid decently? Would he date Tomas without really liking him all that much because of money issues? At least Tomas was better than nothing, despite all his flaws — and it would never hurt to have a well-salaried man (not to mention a policeman) on your side, right?
But looking at Auden, Tomas simply couldn't believe he was fake. Being sensible about money wasn't part of the equation, or Auden wouldn't be trying to pay for every other food item they got. (Tomas didn't let him. He could be firm about such things when he needed to be. It would take more than Auden's level of expertise to overcome his gentle insistence.)
"We should see a movie," Tomas said, stopping to look up at a poster.
Auden stopped walking and turned back to stare at him. He slurped slowly from his milkshake, his expression thoughtful. "I don't know. It'll be an all-day date if we do that, and I promised a coworker I'd take her shift tonight."
"Okay." Tomas swallowed and nodded. "Yeah, you're right. That would go too long." He'd just been thinking aloud. It was stupid, anyway. Auden had things to do; of course he did.
Auden tilted his head slightly. "Maybe another day?"
"Yeah, maybe." Tomas had to sound casual here. Not hurt, or as foolish as he felt. "It was just a thought."
"A good one. I love movies." Auden hooked an arm loosely through Tomas's and walked in step with him, swinging their arms together a little as if they were in some kind of musical dance number and any moment they would burst into song, a duet with synchronized dance steps. It would be classy and cute, but a little corny. Something about French fries and mall walking, maybe.
"I'd see a movie with you if I hadn't promised."
"I like a man who keeps his promises." He shouldn't be so fragile, so easily thrown off-balance.
"Good. Can I plan our next date?" Auden looked at Tomas shyly. "I want to take you somewhere cool. Literally and figuratively." He batted his lashes.
Tomas laughed, surprised out of his funk. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means, do you like ice skating?" Then he laughed, hanging on Tomas's arm just a bit. "Also, do you mind driving, because if not, we'll have to take a Lyft or something."
"I — I like skating," Tomas said rather faintly, feeling blown away. Ice skating was a special date, and also, Auden had said "next date" so casually, like this was really easy and natural, nothing at all to be unnerved about.
