"I'm not going to let that happen anymore," Jimmy said, and was surprised by the fierce determination he felt. "We gotta find him a new agent, for one thing." He debated getting into details, then decided not to. There was no need.
"You do what you gotta do," said Dad. "And that boy will be welcome here as long as I live.But, Jim, he's not strong like you are. He's a little bit broken." His voice had a tinge of sorrow and regret.
You don't even know,thought Jimmy. "He seems stronger here. And we're stronger together. I won't let them send him away from me for so long from now on."
"What about his next job, and his next? Are you going to follow him there?"
"We'll take it as it comes," Jimmy said firmly."I won't be apart from him for long, whatever happens." That, he was sure of. "And I think this might be home base. If he agrees."
He would agree. Jimmy felt it in his heart. But when that happened, it needed to be because Coop really wanted to agree, not just to please.
It would be all right. They had time. "We'll work it out, Dad. Don't worry."
Dad nodded and patted the side of hiscow. "Good girl. That's some hearty milk there." Then he added, "I know you will, son."
Hearing that his father had faith in him meant a lot. He clearly had concerns, but he trusted Jimmy and Cooper to figure things out. And they would.
#
"Is it weird that Iwonder why you left?" Coop was trying to be casual, and failing.
"No, not weird at all." Jimmy kissed his boyfriend. "It'sgreat here; I know that. I'm very lucky. But I couldn't spend my life as the quiet brother. I had to do something where I could be competent and not be defined as one of those guys. Yeah, I'm just a security guard—but it's something I'm doing on my own, and I'm proud of myself. It's not like I'm married to that job, though. It doesn't have to be forever. And I love my family. I do. I justneeded some space." He watched Coop's face, hoping he wasn't going to say the wrong thing here. "But I've been thinking."
Coop raised an inquiring eyebrow, almost succeeding in keeping the nervousness off his face. But Jimmy had become an expert at Cooper's body language. Plus, he smelled nervous. "Oh?"
"I was wondering if you'd like to move back here with me. I mean, we'd still do ourjobs. I'm not asking you to quit acting or anything. We'd just live here. We could fix up the room. Mom and Dad said we'd be welcome if we decided to, but no pressure." He paused. Coop wasn't saying anything. "I'm botching this, I know. Pretty ham-fisted of me." He drew Cooper to him and held him loosely. "It's not something you have to decide now. We can think about it. We can take thingsslowly or not at all."
"I wouldn't want you to lose yourself again, or feel invisible," Cooper said slowly. "It's horrible to lose yourself."
"Yeah," agreed Jimmy. "But I don't think I would now. I feel like I've grown up a lot. It's not giving in to move back home, and it wouldn't have to change anything I do. We'd just be closer to them."
Coop searched his face worriedly. "Let's thinkabout it, okay?"
"Okay." Inwardly, Jimmy sighed. Of course, thinking about it was the right answer. No good moving too quickly, whatever they ultimately chose. But he had a feeling he'd messed it up somehow, had used the wrong words, and negative ideas were now swirling in Coop's head, the exact opposite of what he'd meant.
He tried one more time, focusing on what really mattered. "Cooper,I love you. You need to know that. Whatever happens, that central point isn't going to change. It doesn't matter if we live with my pack, or move to Hollywood, or anything in between. You're the guy for me, and I'm nuts about you, okay?"
Coop's face expressed emotion: hope, doubt, and vulnerability. He looked far too close to tears for Jimmy's liking.
Jimmy hurried on. "That's not a whim,and it's not likely to change. I'm not one to talk about mates, but if I was, you'd be the one for me. Whatever happens related to work, or living arrangements, I want you to know: I like you. I loveyou. Not just the slick, handsome you who knows all the right words and has that perfect smile that could charm the world, but the broken pieces too, and when you're too upset to say a word, andthe things you don't want anyone to see. But it's okay. I'm going to be the guy you can trust with all of it, because nothing changes for me. You're the guy."
"You already are." Coop's voice was muffled as he hugged Jimmy hard, hiding his face against Jimmy's chest, his breathing erratic. "You know I love you. It's just—the rest of it. What happens when the show's over and I have to move?Will I be taking you away from your family? I don't want to hurt you. I love it here, with your folks, but I don't know if that's a visit or a long-term thing or something else entirely. I'm confused right now, and I wouldn't want to make any big decisions even if I thought I was sure. I don't feelsolidyet. But I'm getting there. It makes a big difference being here, being back home withyou." He drew back and looked up at Jimmy, searching his gaze. "I'm not sure anyone has ever loved me, really, the way you do. The real me, all of it, not just what I could pretend to be for them."
Jimmy really hoped that wasn't true. He hugged Coop to him, as tight as he dared. He couldn't speak.
Eventually, they were done talking, hugging, and kissing, and had to get ready for work, thatmundane irritation and intrusion on the schedule he would have liked to keep instead: a few hours of sex and comfort, then a nice walk through the fields together, holding hands. Maybe the south pasture. There would, of course, be lots of flowers blooming in this pastoral fantasy of his, whatever the actual state of the meadow was.
But reality intruded and demanded room among the daydreamsand perfect moments, so they got ready for work. Coop hadn't brought any clothes with him, and they didn't want to drive back to the apartment to change. But he'd be working today and would be wearing something from wardrobe, so all he really had to do was not arrive naked.
Jimmy borrowed some clothes from his brothers for himself. Nobody would be likely to guess they weren't his clothesin the first place, because the three boys were all so close in size and shape. Then he asked one of his younger cousins for some things for Coop. Peter was sixteen and already a little bigger than Coop; Jimmy decided not to mention that to Coop in case it would embarrass him. The Holdsts ran to size.
After a big breakfast, which Cooper again ate without protest or holding back, they leftthe house clad in jeans and t-shirts and flannel, looking like farmers. Jimmy liked that look.
"Oh, we didn't rehearse your lines!" Coop said, looking distressed.
"It's okay. I know them."
"Yes, but I should have helped. I'm sorry. I've been such a—" Coop reached up, starting to rub his knuckles against his forehead, his distress and dismay obvious.
Jimmy drove one-handed so he couldreach across and gently but firmly push down that hand. "Don't talk bad about the guy I'm in love with. It's fine. Really. I'll get the part or I won't, but it probably won't come down to whether I say the words just right. It's probably more about a certain look they need for a walk-on role."
This morning, he was feeling confident about it. He could do this. If they wanted a big blondguy, he could definitely do that. It wasn't like his brothers were here jockeying for position with him.
Coop relaxed a little and gave him a slightly wrecked smile. "Sorry. I'm still a little edgy."
"No worries."
But they would need to get that sorted out too, and soon. The amount of pressure and stress on Coop needed to be lessened, not endlessly increased. His bosses needed to realizethat they before they learned it the hard way. And Jimmy wasn't going to let the hard way happen, not again.
