Itwasfun. We'd always worked well together, we'd always been able to find things to argue about, but now we played well together, and even the arguments were good-natured.
I didn't really care whether he liked cinnamon or nutmeg better, but I was going to tease him about that and anything else I had the chance for.
Around this time, my dad bought me a junker and had it delivered. He'd arranged it beforehand with Sahil, and it was a big surprise. Russ was so happy for me, he gave me a big hug in front of everybody — and I didn't mind. I kind of liked it.
When we weren't working or hanging out, I spent time on the junker, fixing it up, enjoying the feeling that my dad still knew exactly what to pick for me and that I was going to make it run again. If I got too involved, Russ or Sahil brought me something to eat and reminded me that I needed to sleep. But, most of the time, I did pretty well at the whole work/life balance. Russ rode with me when I went to get parts. It wasn't quite a date, but he liked hanging out with me even for something that was to him so very boring.
Killie watched us cautiously from a distance. He smelled sort of wary and protective, and I wondered if he'd told Russ that he'd better treat me right, or something like that. It was just a feeling I had, that there had been words between them. I didn't try to confirm it with either of them, though, since that would be embarrassing.
Kim was a lot less concerned. She just said, "About time," and gave me a sharp little grin. "Didn't I tell you?"
So, it wasn't a secret we were dating, giving this a try, even if it was all pretty casual, but I still hadn't told my parents. I figured I'd wait to make sure it lasted more than a couple of weeks. Though I knew they'd be happy for me even if it lasted one date — that I was willing to try, and also because they liked Russ — I didn't want them to be disappointed if it didn't work out. If we stayed together a whole month, then I'd tell them.
Not so with Russ. As soon as I'd agreed, he'd been over the moon and wanted to tell everyone. He'd called his parents and told them, spent an hour on the phone with his brother about it, and generally acted like it was the best news in the world and he couldn't wait to share it.
I was flattered, if I'm being honest. Also, because I didn't particularly care if I disappointed his parents or not, it didn't add pressure to make the dating thing work. Most of the time, I felt like we were friends, actual friends, like we'd never been before. It was natural to do things together. If something funny happened, he was the first one I wanted to tell. If I'd had a bad day, a hug from him made it better.
And, yes, we kissed each other.
Friends who kissed. Surely dating was more complicated than that, and demanded more of a person, but for now, I was glad we were going slowly. He never pushed me for more or implied that I was terrible at this dating thing because I wasn't jumping into having sex with him yet.
In fact, he seemed to have no demands to put on me at all — actually fewer, in fact, than when we weren't friends or dating. He'd either lowered his standards a lot, or the main reason he'd been picking at me back then was pure frustration and resentment.
He didn't seem frustrated or resentful lately. He seemed happy most of the time. He even smelled different than he used to.
I kind of liked it.
And, yes, sometimes we still scuffled and play-fought, but it actually was play now, not anger boiling over.
The nice thing was that he seemed completely happy with our holding hands, teasing each other, a hanging out and sharing kisses type of relationship. He wasn't chafing at the bit for the "real" stuff to begin. He seemed completely content.
How could that be? I was happy with it myself, of course, but I'd been expecting him to push or demand or hint or guilt.
Maybe that said a lot more about what I'd experienced in a "relationship" than it did about him. Maybe I could give him a little more credit than that. At any rate, I was pleasantly surprised, and I sometimes almost had to pinch myself to remember that this was real, and it was progressing at the rate I chose, and basically, that I could feel this happy.
I did. Feel happy, that is. I enjoyed our time together, and it was very freeing to see what a relationship could be based on — friendship, shared interests, chemistry, kisses, and not obligation or sex or guilt.
I felt all of that on a visceral level, and it did more to teach me better relationship skills than years of therapy had done. At least, I thought so. It was just so easy. I wasn't tearing my hair out; I could just rest. In this relationship. In my own level of comfort. In his friendship and kisses and hugs. In the teasing banter and in the runs we took together. In all we did, and shared, and were.
Maybe I'd never believe in mates again, but I was starting to believe in boyfriends.
Of course, there was a fly in the ointment. I tried to avoid it, but it was there, waiting, nagging at me.
I got to the point where I thought I was interested in getting to the sexual side of the relationship.
Maybe a little more than making out, to just see where it went and what we enjoyed. Everything else was so casually comfortable and fun, it was hard to imagine having sex would be anything but nice. I really did trust Russ more than I'd ever expected to already. I couldn't see it going wrong.
Except for one reason, of course. I knew Sahil hadn't shared his past with Grant for a long time, and they'd already been in a relationship before he did. But I wasn't sure I could do that with Russ. Sahil had made the choice that worked for him, but I didn't want to get into a relationship with Russ and then find out he viewed me differently because I'd been molested.
He didn't seem like the type who would think I wasn't good enough for him, or anything as disgusting as that, but if he was going to act differently once he knew, I'd rather find out before I made myself even more vulnerable to him. Sex would make me vulnerable; I was sure of it.
Considering that I'd waited years to pursue having sex, it was kind of a big deal. I'd thought a few times that I would have some no-strings hookups, but that had never worked for me. I wanted to be with someone I could trust at least a bit, and, well, I hadn't really pursued that kind of relationship. So, sex for me had been a no man's land.
I mooned over Sahil; I regretted and angsted over the past; I avoided serious relationships, and casual ones, too.
Now I was ready, or thought I was. At any rate, an itchy awareness had begun to hit me at the oddest times, and I'd more and more often find myself thinking of things I hadn't thought I'd ever want from Russ.
But I didn't want to go for it and then find out he was going to look down on me or see me differently because of my past. I'd had enough pain; if it was going to cause more, I'd rather bow out of this "boyfriends" thing now. So, I had the choice to either keep my secret forever, or tell Russ now, before I couldn't stand it anymore and I invited him into my bed for some relief from the itchy restlessness and fevered imaginings.
