"Perfectly understandable."
"And you don't have, like, a vote in my decisions. They're still all mine."
"I don't. But I'm allowed to care and tell you what I think?"
"Yes. You do that anyway."
At least he admits it. A grin spread across my face. I couldn't help it.
"Don't give me that look. I haven't agreed yet."
"Yet." I grinned wider than ever. "But you're thinking about it. You're thinking about me. You admit I care about you."
He rolled his eyes and huffed, looking away, his cheeks turning pink. "Circumstantial evidence," he muttered. "I have engines to fix. Go away."
"I'm going, I'm going." I raised my hands, backing away, grin stuck in place. "You want tokissme. You want todateme," I sing-songed in aMiss Congenialityriff.
"Ugh! Go away!"
I went, laughing and feeling lighter than I had in years. I was a giddy teen in love; I was a leaping deer, a swooping swallow. I was alive — and he was thinking about it.
That was all I could ask, more than I'd had a chance at before.
––––––––
CHARLIE
Russ had been so good at keeping his word that it wasn't easy to dismiss the idea of dating him.
Mates was a no-go, of course. But it sounded like he'd be willing to try for less than that. And, really, it might be more fun to kiss him than to fight with him.
Now that I knew I didn't really want to kiss Sahil, it was about time I figured out if there was anyone I did want to kiss. Just because I didn't believe in mates, in love at first sight and all that jazz, didn't mean I wanted to be entirely without a relationship for the rest of my life.
Boyfriends might be just the ticket. Maybe not with Russ — maybe that wouldn't work — but I wouldn't know if I didn't try.
Also, the thought didn't escape me that if we tried and it failed, at least he'd have to stop moping around and try to find somebody he did fit with.
Not that I could really blame him for moping. He'd kept his word; he hadn't gone out of his way to blame me, or act glum and accusing. It was inescapable to notice that, sometimes, he seemed really sad and had to leave the area when I was hanging out with Sahil.
It used to be that that would've made him see red and go in for the kill, spiteful and accusing. Then we'd go for a couple of rounds of fighting, neither of us satisfied or happy about it. But he'd been doing better, as he'd promised.
His keeping his word made me think that he'd meant his apology. It made it mean something, when I hadn't been sure earlier if it would or not.
I honestly didn't know if I found him attractive. Since I'd never really learned to trust the signals my brain and hormones were sending me, I wasn't sure anymore what they said, much less whether I should pay attention.
With our hostilities at an end, the possibility of Russ didn't disturb me. Especially if, as he said, I'd get to set the pace. There was no denying that dating a stranger would have more risks and fewer perks.
Specifically, Russ was desperate, and he was willing to bend to what I needed. Most people would probably want to have sex pretty quickly if I started dating them. I knew Russ would be patient, because he'd been patient so far, and he cared about me. If he thought he loved me, I knew at the very least that he cared, and he didn't want to hurt me.
I knew that because he'd proved it. There had been a time when I hadn't trusted him as far as I could kick him, but he'd worked hard to prove I could put at least some faith in him.
It was true that things would be awkward if we dated and it didn't work out, and then one or both of us dated other people. But, to be honest about it, things were awkward now, too. Russ was mooning over me, eating his heart out, silently hurt. I was unsure exactly how to bridge the gap from enemy to friend now that I actually sort of trusted him and believed he wasn't going to go out of his way to hurt me anymore.
Maybe dating — at least giving it a try — would be the perfect answer for both of us. We'd get closer, try things out, see if there was chemistry, see if we could continue to get along.
Now that most of my energy wasn't being taken up with sadness over Sahil and struggling through the pain of therapy, I had something to spare. I wanted to go on and discover the things I'd missed in life. Find out what it felt like to date casually, to try things out without loading all the world's pressure and the One True Love bullshit onto it. To date someone my own age, to date without a huge power imbalance or age gap. To date because I chose to, not because someone chose me.
It was true that Russ had chosen me, but if we dated, it would definitely be my choice. It was completely up to me and had been all along. It had certainly caused him frustration and grief, but I couldn't help that.
