I lived here when we weren't working. Killie had his own place in the woods and drove in every day he spent on the estate. He didn't want to live here. Kim had a room above one of the garages. I had a room in the house, but most of the time, I stayed in the garage if Grant was home. I really only stuck around for long when Sahil was alone, missing him, needing my support, such as it was.
I neither knew nor cared where Russ stayed. He was here more than I liked already. He sure hung around a lot when he wasn't wanted.
He was in the kitchen, cooking eggs, when I got there. I didn't say anything to him, just moved past him to wash my hands again, then got out the bread and started toasting. They had a big toaster. I could make a bunch of pieces at once. As I moved past Russ, he bumped me with his shoulder. I didn't say anything, but I bumped him back. At the oddest times, we were almost friends.
He finished up the huge pile of scrambled eggs he was frying, brought it over to the table, and I brought over the toast. He got out peanut butter, because he's weird that way, and I rolled my eyes and got out butter and jelly. Sahil joined us, looking a little more alive, and covered his yawn politely. His bare feet undid me, making my insides clench with a kind of sad longing.
He'll never be yours.
"Eat," said Russ, piling some eggs on my plate. He reached over and ruffled my hair up. Sahil looked at him and smiled.
We sat down and ate like a family, Russ the only one weird enough to have peanut butter with his breakfast. He nudged me again as he moved past me to the sink, carrying his dishes, and dropped a hand to my shoulder to squeeze. I didn't respond. Sahil looked up at me and smiled slightly. His eyes were less shadowed now. The food must have helped.
I wanted to walk over and wrap my arms around him and just hold him, maybe kiss him too, but that wasn't going to happen, so I ducked my head and went back to eating.
It would be a big day. We were working with some new recruits who might eventually be part of another team for Sahil, or go on to other jobs, perhaps in the military, perhaps elsewhere. Mostly, we would run with them, through meadow and forest, over rough terrain and easy, building their endurance, teaching them to stay in tune with shifters and non-shifters at the same time.
Then, afterwards, I'd usually tinker in the garage a bit. I was rebuilding an engine in there in my spare time. Usually I'd get in another run in the evening, sometimes help around the house or with the grocery shopping or whatever Sahil needed. If Grant was here, or both of them were gone, I didn't really go into the house much. I'd sleep in the garage near my engine or curl up in the woods in my fur.
I had a room in the house but barely used it. I kept as much of my stuff in the garage, and I didn't have many things to begin with. Mostly, I stayed in the garage or curled up by Sahil in his bed. Even though it smelled of Grant, too.
I shoved Russ aside so I could wash my own dishes. We both moved so Sahil could put his plate in the sink. He gave me a pat on the lower back that made me freeze and bask in his warmth. He patted Russ's shoulder at the same time, though. Russ glanced back, then frowned at me. It was a very judgmental frown. I stared back, hard.
"Well, I know you two have work to do," said Sahil, sounding wistful, "but please keep me informed of how the newbies are training. I'll see you at lunch?" He sounded so lonely.
"Of course," I said immediately.
"Maybe. We might be too busy to eat," said Russ.
Sahil snorted softly, a smile curving his beautiful lips upwards. He knew wolves. "I'll be making some calls and talking to the accountants. I'll see you then." And he made his graceful exit.
"Loser," Russ said harshly as soon as Sahil was out of non-shifter-hearing distance. He gave me a hard shove that made me splash water in the sink when I was trying to wash. "He's never going to—"
I shoved him back, as hard as I could, and smacked a hand into the water, angling soapy dishwater up at him. He jerked back and blinked in time to avoid getting it in his eyes, but not all over his shirt. With that, he turned to me, and I turned to him, and we began to scuffle, more or less in earnest.
We often fought a lot. He was bigger, stronger, and tougher, but I just couldn't let him get away with treating me like shit about Sahil. Sometimes we got along, when he could drop it and stop judging me. When he couldn't, this happened. I landed an open palm against his cheek, and he jerked from the blow, head turning with it. But at the same moment he brought a knee up and landed me a hit to the hip that sent me staggering off balance. I grabbed for the sink, which was wet, and slipped.
I went to one knee, and he had me then, an arm round my neck, holding me in a chokehold that was very firm but still let me breathe. He panted softly above me. It had been as quiet a fight as we could make it, because we never fought in front of Sahil. Russ held very still, keeping me immobilized. I stood it for a few moments, then made a sound very much like a growl and stabbed my knuckles into the back of his knee.
He went down on top of me, and we grappled, rolling around on the kitchen floor, fighting in silent earnest. His face was a mask of intensity and anger. I'm sure I looked at least as ferocious. He could hold back half of his strength and skill and still overpower me most of the time. That made me blazingly furious. His judgment rubbed raw an already sore spot. I knew I was stupid for loving Sahil. I knew I could never have him. But I couldn't change any of that, and Russ's little digs didn't help; they just made me mad.
I punched his ribs, only halfway pulling my punch at this time. I meant the blow, even though it wasn't nearly as hard as I could have punched. He huffed a pained sort of breath and flicked me hard on the kidney. It wasn't enough to immobilize me, but I felt it; it was enough to make me jerk back and gasp, and he was on me then, holding me down with his greater weight, pinning me with his size. He was on me, and he went limp as I grumbled and struggled under him, all the while trying not to make any loud noise and draw Sahil back.
"Pax?" said Russ.
I wriggled under him but couldn't get any traction to get free. He was doing the kind of passive thing that drove me crazy, holding me down just by his size. There weren't a lot of ways to get out of this passive-aggressive hold. I hated being held down. I hated that he was bigger and stronger than me, and he wanted to agree to be friends now. I would never be his friend.
"Fuck yourself," I told him.
He growled above me and pressed his face down against the back of my neck. I could hear him breathing harshly, felt his breath hot against me. He was so heavy.
"With a spoon," I added.
He jabbed at my ribs with a thumb. "You're so—"
I twisted around in his moment of distraction, under him. He was so hard and hot and heavy, so big and strong, and I hated him, everything about him.
I bit him. Just a quick, rough, human bite on the shoulder. Not hard enough to draw blood. It made him jerk back, and I tumbled him off me and scrambled on the wet floor, hard, trying to get up. I banged my head against the kitchen cabinet door below the sink in my hurry, and that did make a loud noise. He grunted, a soft, pained sound, and reached out a hand.
