I sighed heavily. He said nothing more, and the inside of the car felt crowded with our silence. It seemed to take a long time to find a hotel, and then it was an expensive one.
"I think we should go somewhere else," I said, wincing at what it would cost to stay here.
"Why? It's clean. We won't find somewhere better," he observed.
I stared at him. "We might find somewherecheaper."
He rolled his eyes. "If you want to sleep on a barn floor. I'll pay. Don't worry about it."
I wanted to point out that he could hardly be considered a connoisseur of sleeping arrangements, this man who slept in garages more often than not, just to be near his precious repair projects. Instead, I followed him to the front desk.
He paid without a blink, looking bored as we accepted our keys to adjoining rooms. Of course we needed adjoining rooms. I still had to keep an eye on him, didn't I? I needed to stay close, in case.... Well, just in case. To be honest, he didn't seem particularly suicidal right now, and that was definitely a good thing. I just didn't quite trust that he was completely okay. It was too important a thing to take risks with — his life. His survival.
I did the bare minimum necessary to settle into my room, and then knocked at the adjoining door. "You decent?" I called.
"Never," he rejoined. "What do you want?"
My mouth went dry at the thought of him half-naked, or more than half. Dammit, I had to stop responding to him on such a visceral level. It wasn't making either of us happy; it wasn't making life any fucking easier.
"Are you hungry?" I cleared my throat. "We should probably go and get something to eat."
"Are you kidding? Just order room service."
I paused awkwardly. "It would be a lot less expensive to grab a bite at a restaurant. They always overcharge for room service, especially at places like this."
"Do I fucking care? I'd go without before I'd leave this room and deal with the public anymore."
He'd barely dealt with the public at all today, but I took his point. He was stubborn enough that it was a serious threat, and if he was as hungry as I was, it would be cruel to let him go without food.
"Fine, I'll order room service," I said. "But you're paying."
"Of course. I said I would." He sounded irritated with me, and, as he so often was, completely confused by me. Were we always talking at cross purposes?
Maybe he was right; I was worrying about money too much. This was our road trip, sort of. We should enjoy it, if there were any scraps among the pain that actually could be enjoyed.
I ordered a burger and fries. They were excellent. Whatever he ordered, he ate in silence.
I lay awake for far too long, wondering what he'd eaten, if he was lonely, and thinking about how he looked without his clothes on. All right, I was a pervert. And he was never going to be mine. I really needed to take my mind elsewhere.
It took a long time to fall asleep.
––––––––
CHARLIE
Iwoke from a nearly sound sleep to the sound of my cell phone. It was Sahil's ring tone. I reached for the phone and fumbled with it till I could find the button to accept the call. I was wobbly and not awake, but I got it eventually.
"Sahil?" I sounded breathless.
"Charlie?" His voice was intimately close and quiet.
I shivered a little, imagining him in the room with me, kind and warm and close. He could sink his gentle fingers into my fur, and I would feel safe.
I closed my eyes and shuddered against the longing that filled me like a deep well of hurt. Why did everything have to hurt so much?
"Charlie?" he said again, even quieter. "How are you doing?"
I don't know. Not good. Russ is a fucker, and he thinks he loves me.I shrugged, pressing my lips together. I couldn't get any words out.
