Chapter 1
Unrequited
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It was that time of day. Work was done, and I got to be with the man I wished was my mate. More and more every day, I wanted that. I knew it could never be, but I wanted it anyway.
I took off my clothes slowly, meditatively, stepped into the shower and washed myself thoroughly. Even though the job and my hobby both called for it, I hated being dirty. I often felt as though I couldn't get clean no matter how hard I scrubbed. Yet when I stepped out, I certainly seemed to be clean, and no dirt rubbed off on the towel.
I didn't bother getting dressed. I was just going to spend some time with my m— Myfriend. That was all. I didn't need clothes for that.
I shifted smoothly into my wolf form, a big, shaggy, powerful gray-and-white wolf with big blue eyes. I'd been told they were beautiful. By him, of course. He was the only one who saw anything good in me. He who could never be mine.
I nosed open the bathroom door and slid out. It always felt good to shift into my wolf form. This one had been a long mission, and I'd missed him so.
"There you are." He was standing in the kitchen, drinking milk from the bottle. He was so beautiful in his half-shut dressing gown, with his small, beautiful bare feet and part of his chest showing. He looked down at me, eyes sparkling, and rested a hand on my head. "I missed you."
I leaned against him, closing my eyes, feeling the calmness wash over me that being near him brought. He scratched gently behind my ears and told me I was a pretty wolf. He finished his milk and got some graham crackers from the cupboard. I followed him into his bedroom. He always did prefer to eat graham crackers separately from milk. It was just one of his cute quirks, this sweet mate — I mean, man — that I liked so much.
He got into the huge king-sized bed, his petite frame dwarfed in it. He pulled the covers up and then patted the space alongside him. I hopped up obediently and snuggled close. He sighed as he opened his pack of crackers. He fed me one first, and I ate it obligingly, crunching carefully to minimize crumbs.
He took a bite of his own and sighed again. This time, he sounded sad. He dug his fingers into my fur as if to comfort himself and said softly, "I miss him."
I knew he did. He liked me, but he loved another. His husband. His mate. It would never be me — not really. I could only pretend in those brief moments when I could forget.
Sahil Singh would never be mine. He belonged, heart and soul, to another wolf. I might hate and rail against that reality, but this was all I got: crumbs of his affection when he was lonely, friendship where he would never dream I wanted so much more. Crumbs, and graham cracker crumbs. That was all I was good for.
I lay down next to him, as close as I could, and squeezed my eyes shut. It hurt to love the man I could never have. It hurt so much.
"Hey, what's going on in here? Why wasn't I invited?" Russ Radner's annoying voice cut into my private reverie. "Graham crackers, huh?" I raised my head and glared at him. He was wearing a shit-eating grin. The lines around his eyes looked tight, though.
Russ and I both worked for Sahil. We were part of his get-things-done team. When Sahil had something that needed to be fixed, he'd call on his army of lawyers, accountants, counselors...or his teams. The teams that were shadowy and made up of ex-marines, Navy SEALS, and wolf shifters. Lots and lots of wolf shifters. Turns out, most of us are pretty damned tough, even if we haven't served in the military.
I hadn't; Russ had. He'd been kicked out during thedon't ask, don't tellyears for telling when someone asked. I hadn't served in the military; I'd been recruited personally by Sahil — I mean, Commissioner Singh — from my job as a mechanic. So I didn't know as much technical stuff as most of them, but I'd learned fast, and I was strong and quick enough to be really useful to Sahil. Sometimes our jobs involved shock and awe, but usually we were the fast team, in and out, snatching hostages to freedom, getting kids out of kidnapping situations, rushing into dangerous territory to get someone out. Sahil had a big heart, and he and his husband were involved in a lot of things. If word came to his ears about a shifter in need — or a child, or pretty much anyone else — he would become involved in some way or other. Sometimes, being involved meant using one of his get-things-done teams, one of which included Russ and I.
There was also our partner Kim Quinlan, cute, tough, military (and something more in the gray area of legality at one time), no-nonsense Kim, with her dirty mouth and sweet face, who'd seen and done more shit than anyone would guess by looking at her. Kim, a ferret shifter, was the shortest, and she and I got along well.
Russ and Killie (the only non-shifter on the team) vied for tallest. Killie was our SEAL, huge, muscle-bound, and pretty damned tough. He didn't talk much, and he could be a bit mean, but he liked me in my wolf form, so I had no complaints about him.
Russ, on the other hand, was always interfering. He was pretty much an asshole, I'd decided long ago. I might work with the guy — I might trust him with my life — but he was judgey as hell, bigger than me (in our human formsandin our wolf forms, which was a kick in the teeth), and he really got on my nerves. Since we were the only two wolves on this team of four, we were supposed to be friends. But we werenot. No matter what he thought on the subject.
The bed creaked as he plopped his muscles down on it, and my glare intensified. He reached for one of the crackers, the assuming bastard, and Sahil handed it over with a sigh. "Just relaxing, not trying to exclude you," said Sahil. He could be so kind. Sometimes I wished he'd just put Russ in his place.
Russ munched his graham cracker. The crinkle was still there around his eyes, the unhappy one, as he pretended he didn't notice my glare. "Why? Something the matter?"
"I miss Grant," said Sahil softly. The sound of his husband's name sent a small, stabbing pain through my chest. I bit down on a small howl.
Russ reached across and dug his fingers into my ruff, massaging me roughly. It kind of hurt, he put so much muscle into it, almost giving me a rough shake of a sort.
"'Course you do. He's your mate," said Russ, and he squeezed my neck with his big, strong human hand. It would've felt good if it had been a bit lighter — and Sahil's touch instead of his. Instead, I ducked away and reared back, showing him my teeth in a flash.
"Charlie?" said Sahil, sounding concerned. "You okay?"
I turned to him, instantly conciliatory, and licked his wrist, looking up at him, soft-eyed and hurting. It got to me that he was so sad when his man was gone. But it still hurt that I wasn't his man instead.
It was a mess. I was a mess. I wanted him so, but I could never —
Russ caught hold of me unexpectedly and hauled me up onto his lap. "He had a long day, didn't you, buddy?" He rubbed my head roughly, like a noogie instead of a cuddle. I made a low rumble in my throat that he could certainly both feel and hear, with his enhanced wolf hearing.
