“We’ll think on that, Gerald,” I said, wondering what his name really was. “In the meantime, I think we want this dildo display case if you don’t mind. Saskatoon, sweetheart, your handcuffs will fit in the center drawer, don’t you think?”
“Powder puffs!” Sassy blurted. “Yes, my powder puffs will fit in there just beautifully, darling.”
Sassy turned and smacked me in the stomach. I winked at Gerald. “Don’t listen to a word she says. This one’s a tiger in bed, make no mistake.”
By the timewe made our way back to Hobie with the giant green dresser in the back of the pickup truck Sassy had borrowed from her Grandpa, I was a good three hours past my freshness date. It was Thursday, which meant I needed to shake a tail feather if I wanted to make it to my night shift job at the hospital without looking like a wilted salami.
“I need a shower,” I whined. “I’m really too pretty to lift things and end up so…moist.” I shuddered.
“You can shower after we drop this monster off at the chief’s house,” Sassy said, blowing a dark curl off her forehead. If I thought I was a sweaty mess, she was ten times worse. I had to admit, I’d kind of phoned it in when it was time to do the heavy lifting. She may not have minded breaking a nail, but I wasn’t about to risk my own on that monstrosity.
Her words sank in, causing me to gasp. “Oh hayel no. We are not going there until I have a chance to reboot. This situation,” I said, waving a palm around my general person, “needs at least two hours of?—”
A brownish blur flashed in front of the truck.
“Shit! What was that?” Sassy screeched, swerving to avoid hitting whatever it was.
I grabbed the dash and whipped around in my seat to see what it was. “Stop the truck! I think it’s a dog.”
Before she’d even put the truck in park, I was out the door, racing to see if the animal was okay. It wasn’t a dog. It was a giant brown catlike thing the size of a dog.
“What the fuck have you been eating, sweetheart?” I murmured, reaching for the stunned animal. It looked like it was more scared than hurt, but I approached it cautiously regardless. Sticking your hand out at a scared cat was equivalent to reaching into a blender and hoping the thing didn’t power on.
The cat let out a pitiful mew and waddled toward me, rubbing itspink nose against my outstretched hand before winding itself through my legs.
“Let’s not go crazy,” I warned the dirty thing. “These are Abercrombie jeans. Just because I stole them from my best friend, doesn’t mean I want you getting your manky fur all over them.”
“I thought those looked familiar. It’s not fair they look better on you than me,” Sassy said, leaning halfway out the driver’s-side window. “Load him in the truck and let’s go.”
“What? No. I’m not touching this nasty thing,” I said defiantly, reaching for the cat and pulling it against my chest.
“Sure you’re not. You and I both know you can’t resist an animal in need. And hey, maybe this time you won’t get it knocked up.”
She turned to walk back to the truck while I scrambled to follow, tucking the big fat fattie against my cardigan. Thank god the twinset I had on had come from the thrift store. I could burn it later and not feel bad.
“That wasonetime, Sassington! One time I got a dog knocked up. I can’t believe you can’t let a little thing like that go. We don’t even know yet if she’s actually preggo. It just happened last weekend for goddess’s sake.”
“It’s a champion trial dog. The puppies are worth?—”
“Stop,” I groaned. “I know. We’ve been over this. Did I tell you he took me to dinner last night?”
“Who, Charlie?” she asked in surprise.
“Yeah. Sweet little Irish sexpot.” I batted my eyes at her as I chucked the skanky hoss in the back seat of the truck.
“Dude, I know who Charlie is. Why didn’t you tell me he asked you out?”
I shrugged and began searching through the truck’s pockets and glove box for napkins to wipe kitty cooties off me. No luck. “It was a dud. We went to Nonna’s for Italian, and… I don’t know. I couldn’t stop comparing him to Chief Hot Stuff.”
Sassy turned to look at me after she pulled back out onto the road. “Babe, you’ve got it bad. If you couldn’t make things work with the lovely Irish guy… man, that’s really something.”
I rolled my eyes and faced away from her, watching the barren winter fields pass by as Sassy made her way toward the secluded lake property where Chief Paige lived.
“It’s stupid is what it is,” I muttered. “Maybe I’ll meet some hot go-go dancer at the club.”
“Did you find out yet when Darius wants you to come in for the audition?”
Nerves roiled in my gut at the thought of exposing myself to a club full of horny men. If any of them found out I was fresh, virginal meat… well, let’s just say I’d considered Amazon-Priming myself some kind of chastity plug just in case. Knowing me, it would only make me horny the whole time, which they’d be able to see and/or smell on me. I would be like slathering a dog toy in peanut butter and tossing it in the show ring at Westminster.
