“First of all, you’re going to get through this. I promise.”
I imagined seven-year-old me saying exactly that to Mom. I imagined walking into her room, climbing on the bed, and telling her that one day, I was sure we would be over Dad—that I would fix everything for her. I thought of Isla and all the nights we spent together eatingdinner, taking care of Joey, and overexerting ourselves trying to make sure we had plenty of space between us.
Every decision I had made since I left for college had always been a calculated one. I didn’t bother with gut feelings. I worked with numbers and charts and facts. Despite all that, Isla took me by surprise. Getting involved with her was never going to end well. I knew that. And I didn’t care. I wanted her in a way I had never wanted anyone in my life. So now I had another calculated decision to make—one that would impact Joey more than anyone else.
I had to send my gut feeling to hell and let Isla go. I had to the honorable thing—if someone like me could aspire to noble deeds. The tabloids weren’t wrong. I could be an asshole and a bastard.
“And second of all?” She pulled away from me to look me in the eyes.
The hope I saw in there cut me.
“You didn’t finish your thought. What were you going to say?” She let out a small laugh, blinking away tears. “Would you marry me?”
20
THEY WERE BORROWED
Isla
The whole way home, I thought about my parents. No, this wasn’t the same situation, though the conundrum was so similar. I couldn’t stand in the way of Joey getting the family he deserved. That little boy needed Declan in his life. Now that I knew why Harper had been gone all this time, how could I stand in her way? How could I even ask Declan to choose me over her?
From the beginning, my crush on him had been a bad idea. Letting my feelings for him grow to this thing bottled up in my chest was an even worse idea. I had made so much progress, and in one fell swoop, I lost the place I had come to think of as home, the guy I thought could be the one for me, and a little family of my own. Losing wasn’t exactly the right way to describe what happened today. None of those things were truly mine to begin with—they were borrowed.
They were borrowed, I repeated that in my head over and over. The hole in my chest didn’t get smaller. The painof losing them didn’t subside, but the mist fogging my mind cleared enough so that I could think about what to do next. I had to leave the apartment. Tonight. And then tomorrow, I had to start all over again. At least this time around, I had money and a job.
“We’re here.” Tommy lifted his gaze to meet mine in the rearview mirror.
“Would you mind waiting? I’m just getting a few things.”
“Not at all. Take your time.”
He didn’t seem surprised that I was moving out practically in the middle of the night. Maybe he had seen Declan kick women out at odd hours. I had no reason to believe that other than I really, really wanted Declan to be the bad guy. So tomorrow I could go back to thinking he was a complete jerk.
“Thanks.” I climbed out and headed toward Frank, who stood dutifully while he held the door open for me. I stopped halfway to the elevator bay and turned to face him. “Frank, would you mind?”
“Not at all.” He gestured for me to go on.
“Thank you.” I smiled, glad he didn’t let me finish the question—would you mind helping me move out? I was also glad he didn’t ask where Declan was or why I had to get out of here tonight. No doubt Declan texted him to let him know I was on my way here and that my services were no longer required.
Stop it.
I was more than his employee or a nanny. Even if it had been for just a few days, Declan did consider me his girlfriend. He tried. He really did. This other thing came out of nowhere. God, thiswas definitely a record for me. When it came to love, I’d never had much luck. I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to focus on the task at hand. I couldn’t worry about what my situation looked like to Frank and Tommy.
When I entered Declan’s apartment I was greeted by the familiar scent of fresh flowers. Once a week, Mrs. Ross replaced them all over the apartment because he liked the smell. His words from last night swirled in my head: “It’s in your hair, like fresh lilacs.” The dim light and stillness of the place told me Joey and Sarah were already asleep in my old room.
I hugged myself and made my way to Declan’s suite to collect my two suitcases. He had moved them into his room this morning, but between the two rounds of sex, meeting the new nanny, and then work, I hadn’t had time to unpack and fill the space he had made for me in his closet.
The entire moving out bit took all of twenty minutes—that included the time riding the elevator up and down. I waited until Frank loaded my luggage in the trunk and then climbed in the back seat. Tommy nodded once then asked the question I’d been dreading to answer since I left the sex club.
“Where to?”
The good news was I had choices. The bad news was, I didn’t particularly like any of them. I could go to a hotel for the night, or I could call Mom and have Tommy drive me to Bensonhurst. I shivered at the thought of leaving the city. For some reason, I felt like if I did leave, I’d never make it back. It was a silly idea, but I couldn’t shake it off. I fished my phone out of my purse and thought about how much I didn’t want to be alone tonight. With a deep breath, Itexted Louisa.
Me: Need a place to crash for the night. You still up?
Louisa: Yes! Come on over.
She added a few martini glasses to the end of her text, then dropped me a pin. The lump in my throat dropped to my stomach, and the tears I had been holding back streamed down my cheeks. In just a few visits, we had fast tracked our relationship from strangers to sisters that texted in the middle of the night.
