“Why do you hate me so much?” I asked. “You knew I’d be the one to find you. You lied to Mother, to me, to everyone. You did what you kept saying you wouldn’t. You’re selfish and a liar—”
Reaching up, she smacked me hard. Shocked ripped through me, and I glowered. She really had become a stranger, and something inside me twisted.
I stormed away, not wanting to do something I’d regret later. It had been years since the rape, yet she refused all offers of help. Mother and Father took her to the best psychiatrists around, but she refused to talk.
Marcel had tried to tell me about the five stages of grief, and as awful as it sounded, I just wanted her to move on from anger already. It was destroying her, eating her up from the inside out. I hardly recognized her anymore—another aspect Marcel seemed to go on about forever. She was trying to make herself as unattractive as possible.
All of us walked on eggshells, not knowing what would trigger her and set her off into a spiral. It seemed it was time for me to move into my own stage of grief over what had become of my sister. Acceptance—I couldn’t change her, couldn’t help her, especially if all she wanted to do was push me away.
Small footsteps echoed behind me on the cobblestone pathway, and she called my name several times to get me to stop. “Ivan, I’m sorry, don’t go. Please, I…I…need…”
Abruptly, I swiveled around and stopped in my tracks. She ran into me, her eyes red and puffy from crying.
“Ivan, please, they’ll listen to you. I need you on my side, not plotting against me and trying to get rid of me. We need to talk about this,” she said, her voice wavering.
“What’s there to talk about?” I snapped, realizing she was trying to manipulate me. “You’re not getting any better. You’re just wallowing in self-pity, and I can’t stand it anymore. We have done everything we can to help you, but you’re not even trying anymore.”
Vanya’s face contorted in anger. “You don’t understand what I’m going through, Ivan! You don’t know what it’s like to have your life shattered in an instant. You don’t know what it’s like to be haunted by memories you can’t escape.”
“I may not understand exactly what you’re going through, but I know you can’t keep living like this. You can’t keep shutting out the world and everyone who cares about you. You’re slipping into a dark place, and I’m scared that you’re never going to come back from it,” I said, my voice cracking.
“I’m not going to that stupid treatment group. I just want you all to leave me alone. Why can’t you all understand that?” She screamed the words at the top of her lungs, panting in a rage, her face red and contorted.
“Then we’re done having this conversation. Come talk to me when you come to your senses. And no worries, I’ll leave you alone. You go and do whatever it is you’re doing. I’m done.” With that, I walked away from her. Nik and Alek were at Sebastian’s already.
“Ivan, no, don’t go. Please stay with me. I’m sorry.” My sister’s face filled with pain, and I was left wondering how much of it was a game and how much of it was serious anymore.
“Can’t. Sebastian needs me—us. At least he’s willing to talk. It’s too bad you aren’t.” I kept walking, hearing her sob uncontrollably, but babying her hadn’t gotten us anywhere over the years. Maybe some tough love would.
Sebastian had been discharged this morning, so I made my way to the parking garage and had our driver take me over to his house.
Several hours later, I couldn’t shake off the feeling that something was off at home, but I pushed my feelings aside. I wasn’t going to give in this time. We were all staying at Bash’s tonight. But each minute I spent with the guys, I became increasingly worried.
It was after midnight now, and Marcel, sensing my unease, spoke. “What is it?”
“It’s what it always is. Vanya,” I murmured in the dark. We were all lying in our sleeping bags in the large media room.
“Go to her. Try again. If she is going to listen to anyone, it will be you. Maybe try just sitting in her room with her and not talking. Just be there, even if she says she doesn’t want you to,” Marcel suggested quietly, trying not to wake the others.
“Tell her I love her, no matter what, and that I will not grant her a divorce,” Sebastian grumbled from his sleeping bag. I took out my phone and called for our driver.
The longer I waited for him to arrive, the more my impatience grew, and the twenty-minute drive from Bash’s house to ours felt like an eternity. Rushing through the door, I clutched at my tightening chest, then tore up the stairs to her room. Throwing the door open, I stood still while staring around. Everything was as it always was, and then I saw it. A pink envelope with my name on the outside.
Dear Ivan,
I can’t believe it has come to this. I never thought our bond could be so easily broken, that you could walk away from me without a care in the world. But you did. So by the time you read this, I’ll be gone. Make sure to memorialize this event too. Write it down in my diary, for all I care.
Oh, by the way, if you want to know all the sordid details of that event, check it out. Read to your heart’s content. I give you permission, just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
You were supposed to be my support system. I’m sorry I burdened you with my attempt. But a part of me wanted to be with you in the end since we began together. I guess I was a fool. You wonder why I’m so angry all the time? It’s because I needed you, and you weren’t there for me. Not when I was raped, and not now with Mum and Dad.
So I’m leaving. Don’t bother trying to find me. You never will. I’ve found people who accept me the way I am, who aren’t working to change or judge me. I won’t ever be back. You should have let me go that day.
Take care of Dad for me. Love on Mum and don’t let her blame herself. Tell Alek to not be so serious, to have a little fun, and do the opposite with Nik. He needs to slow down a bit. Never forget that you’re your brother’s keeper, so don’t take after me. They need you more.
Goodbye, baby brother.
Vanya
