I sighed as he talked, wondering if he gave the same advice to Kinsley.
“No, not the entire memory. Write the part you dreamed about. I know, I know, but it isn’t so much to pretend it didn’t happen. It’s to loosen its hold on you. Imagine what it would have been like if you could have helped her instead. Focus on the feelings of helping to set her free. Then, if the dream returns tonight, you can try to redream it with your new ending.”
Something in his tone gave it away that hewastalking to Kinsley, and I wondered once more what had really happened to her. Familiar anger rose within me when I thought of her being beaten with a Gorean slave whip as a child. I couldn’t even imagine her tied up and gagged. The fear in her eyes would have been horrific.
“I know you don’t. You’re not going to be a slave whore. Yes, now I’ll check in with you later. Do the work now, while it’s fresh in your mind. Don’t mention it, it’s what I’m here for.” He sighed and hung up the phone.
“Kinsley?” I asked, even though I didn’t need to.
“Yes, nightmares again. I swear, I know this is going to be hard for all of you when she leaves, but damn if it isn’t going to kill me as well. I hate knowing she’s going to be alone again. She has come far but has so much farther to go. She’s so fucking stubborn, too. She has already told me she refuses to discuss it with another therapist.”
The weight of it all hung over him, giving him a haunted look. One I never expected to see on my best friend’s face. Prior to Kinsley, he never allowed work to cross over into his personal life. But a part of me, the selfish part, was conflicted with the fact she didn’t trust me enough to share. I thought our relationship was deeper than that. But I’d been wrong.
“Typical of her. She likes to hold tight to those secrets.”
Then guilt consumed me because Alek, Nik, and I were trying to figure out a plan of our own so that maybe she wouldn’t have to disappear. We were keeping a major secret of our own. Involving Marcel or Sebastian was too risky, so instead, I listened as my best friend spoke.
“She wanted me to give you a message.”
“Not necessary, Counselor.” I refused to meet his eyes, but my voice came out clipped, devoid of the emotions I was truly feeling.
“No, you will listen because regardless of what happened between the two of you, I always tell my patients that closure is one of the best healing aspects you’ll ever experience. If it’s at all possible to seek it, you should. Nothing happened between the two of you that prevents closure for either of you. I know you think you violated Kinsley like Vanya was, but that’s not the truth. And you know that deep inside. It isn’t the same thing.”
“I’ve got closure already. I’m done. I told you guys that from the minute I knew she was here again.”
“No, man, you haven’t, and your time is dwindling. Sebastian has an actual date, and in two weeks’ time, she’s going to disappear forever. The Kinsley we know and love will cease to exist.”
“I get what you’re saying.” Right then, the fight dissipated. “I don’t resent her for what happened. I wanted to blame her at first, but ultimately, I know I had a choice to make, and it fucking kills me that I made the wrong one. I didn’t have to hurt her, but I did. I don’t trust myself with her.” I emphasized the last part.
“Alek told her about Vanya. I guarantee you she’s beating herself up more than you ever could.”
“I’m not surprised.” My eye twitched. She shouldn’t be beating herself up. She carried enough trauma without adding Vanya’s.
“Ivan, hating yourself does no good. Kinsley was in a really dark place that day. It’s not an excuse, by any means. There are limits to what I can tell you about her captivity—”
“I know how it works, Marcel,” I said, cutting him off.
“I was going to say that despite all that happened to her, she let you in. It doesn’t feel that way to you, I know, but it’s the truth.”
“If that’s the case, why’d she tell Sebastian about her fears?”
“She didn’t, fuckface. I swear to god, it’s like talking to a wall with you these days. She asked him about a variety of vague things. She didn’t only mention the whip and gag. The only way he knew it was an issue was her body language. If it had been anyone else, they probably would have missed it entirely. You know Sebastian’s instincts have always been keen.”
“I know,” I mumbled, running my fingers through my hair. What he was trying to do, I appreciated, but it didn’t absolve me of the tremendous guilt I carried.
“I think if you could find a way to talk to her—”
“It wouldn’t do any good, Marcel. The damage is done. It’s best to walk away at this point. I’m trying to salvage the broken pieces of my life here. It’s fucking hard when you go to put it into perspective and your stupidity punches you in the face. I can’t get away from it.”
He sighed, and his shoulders sagged. Disappointment radiated from him, and it would have been easier to hand him my blade and have him pierce my fucking heart with it. Sweat beaded on my brow, and I had to fight back bile as her words came back to me.
“Well, I’m going to leave you with this. She told me that if she only had one wish in the world, it would be that she could redo that day with you.”
He paused, letting his words sink in.God, I’d give anything for that. My eyes stung. Rubbing them helped ease the burn of tears. I thought about how I would have done everything differently. Yet the reality was, I couldn’t; neither of us could. I was about to remind him that the world didn’t work that way when he spoke again.
“So, while you sulk around and deny yourself and her closure, know that she would rather redo that day with you than have her parents here with her. Evenabove enduring two years of straight-up hell, Brother, which is the only way I could accurately describe her years of being held. She’d choose you.”
His words left me with haunting thoughts about a small child enduring hell. He got up, and thinking he was done, I stood to go as well. But he surprised me by grabbing me and hugging me.
