But my smile slipped.
He wasn’t mine anymore.
I wanted to wrap him in my arms and hold him. I wanted to comfort Linc and help Jacques heal from the fear in his eyes when he’d witnessed Linc in a full-blown panic attack. I wanted to take care of Trav until he was better. Then I wanted to love all three of them until we were all old and grey.
I’d been so cruel to them. I was ashamed of how I’d acted. I’d panicked. Fear of the unknown had sent my emotions into overdrive. When they’d pressed me, I’d almost caved. I’d almost begged them to let me stay. I’d nearly confessed my feelings. But I’d known that the moment I admitted them out loud, there would be no going back for me. So I’d pushed them away. Then I’d tried to burn the bridges between us to stop myself from going back. It was the only way I could force myself to leave. And I had to leave.
The baby I carried meant that I couldn’t stay. I’d broken my promise that I was on birth control. I couldn’t very well demand now that they contribute to something none of them had ever asked for. One of them was the father. They had rights and obligations—I understood that—but they were so young. They had their whole lives ahead of them. I wouldn’t force them, like I’d been forced, to give up opportunities for a child that they hadn’t asked for.
I hadn’t either. But I couldn’t bring myself to give up the baby. Having Cara had changed the trajectory of my life. I’d loved every second of her childhood. I wanted to do it again. I wanted to have another baby. I’d never realized how much until the moment that positive test result fully sank in. I had the chance now to live the best years of my life afresh. I couldn’t bring myself to terminate.
I’d tried.
I’d talked myself into making an appointment at the clinic so many times over the past few days, but I couldn’t go through with it. Kamirah had checked in on me, and we’d spent hours on the phone, talking it through. She offered to make the booking if that’s what I wanted. She said she’d take me and be with me throughout. She even invited me to stay with her and Chris for as long as I needed, regardless of whether I did or didn’t go to the clinic.
But I couldn’t do it.
I wouldn’t burden Jacques, Trav, and Linc with supporting me and the baby either. What we had was temporary. I’d promised Jacques I wouldn’t ask for a cent from him, and I intended to keep that promise. I wouldn’t go back on my word now. I hadn’t done it with my ex even though I had the right to more than what I’d received. I especially wouldn’t do it with these men who I’d fallen head over heels in love with.
That left me with one option. I had to go home so I could work. I didn’t want to be away from Cara—that was the opposite of what I wanted—but I took solace knowing she was a grown woman who had her men. She could build a life here, and we could visit. Thankfully, technology meant I could speak with her every day no matter where in the world she was.
I touched my hand to my belly. It was growing already, so I had to be a few months along. That was what the weight gain was. I should have picked it earlier. I’d had the same overly sensitive sense of smell with Cara, too, same with the nausea every time I thought of certain foods and drinks.
I exhaled slowly and looked between the three men in front of me. I was really doing it. I was leaving them. I blinked fast, trying to stave off the unshed tears that were burning my eyes. I didn’t want to go, but I would. I wanted this baby.
With one little test, my future became crystal clear. I’d found my purpose again—my children. I wanted to be there, be present this time. I wanted to bask in the mundane everyday things that so many people took for granted. I’d had the successful career and the waterfront mansion. I’d driven beautiful cars and travelled a little. But the thing that fulfilled me the most was raising Cara. I wanted to do it again.
Walking away wasn’t easy. They thought I was being cruel, and I was. I hated hurting them. They were good men, kind and genuine. They’d shown me how happy life could be, how wonderful living with them was. But leaving without giving them a chance to talk was the only way I would survive. No matter how many times I’d told myself not to, I’d gone and fallen headfirst in love with them. All three of them. Leaving would break me. But it was always going to happen. This marriage was only ever temporary. We were always going to go our separate ways no matter how much I wanted to stay.
I hovered by the door as Jacques and Linc walked closer to Trav. Jacques choked out a sob, and Trav slowly turned his head to us. He blinked. His eyes were still glassy. He dropped his hand down and stopped moving his legs.
“Hey,” he croaked out. “Why are y’all crying?”
Linc said to the nurses, “Do you mind if we have a few minutes? We’ll get him to stop moving.”
“Knock yourselves out,” one of them muttered with a relieved smile.
Linc didn’t even wait until they were out of the room. He climbed straight onto the bed and snuggled into Trav’s good side. “Fuck,” he gasped as he buried his face in Trav’s shoulder and held him tight. He shook, and Trav cradled his head with his good hand, holding him close.
“Aw, baby,” Trav breathed.
Jacques looked back over his shoulder and held his hand out. I hesitated. Hugging Linc had almost undone me, but God, I’d needed it. I needed Jacques, too, but was it selfishness or comfort? I honestly couldn’t tell.
I gave up fighting when he wiggled his fingers and looked at me expectantly. When I took his hand, he led me over to Trav’s bed, and I perched on the side while Jacques pressed a kiss to Trav’s forehead.
Trav smiled, a drunken, woozy grin, and a second later he added, “Y’all, I’m gonna join a band. Play drums.”
“Do you know how to play drums?” Jacques asked, biting back a smile. He was blinking back tears too.
I acted on instinct, purely without thinking, when I wrapped my arm around Jacques’s waist. The moment I did it, I regretted it—not because I was touching him, but because I had to stop. Before I could let him go, Jacques leaned into me, holding me tight.
“No, but I’ll learn,” he drawled, his Texas accent somehow stronger. “When are y’all leaving?”
“We only just got here,” Linc mumbled.
He met my gaze, his eyes suddenly sharper. The high from the anesthetic was wearing off. “Carina,” he clarified.
I opened my mouth to explain, but nothing came out. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to give them up. But I had to. My shoulders slumped, and Jacques let go of me, stepping closer to Trav.
