“That’s what he said,” Carina said with a cheeky smile. She pumped her eyebrows comically, and I dissolved into peals of laughter again.
Carina was good people.
I pointed out the highlights around us as we merged onto the I5, Lake Hodges to our right. We broke into giggles every time we looked at each other.
There were only a couple of cars in the parking lot when I pulled in, and we didn’t meet anyone in the first few minutes of the hike.
“You weren’t sure what you wanted to do before. You know you can suggest anything. I may not like peopling, but I’m happy to go places with you, and if I’m not in a good headspace, Travis and Jacques will always do their best to go.” I didn’t want her to sacrifice wanting to do or see something because of me. I’d either deal with it, or I wouldn’t go.
She hesitated. “It’s not that. I just feel…. I don’t know. Kind of lost.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, when I was married, it was always work. Whenever we did something socially, it was usually a charity fundraiser or dinner with important clients or suppliers.
“When Cara was younger, we used to do a lot more. I did my best to spend quality time together, but I worked too much.”
I sensed that she was processing, not quite sure how to link the two together. But I had an idea of what she was going through. I’d felt the same way when I’d crashed and burned at work.
“Then Cara moved out, and I was still adjusting to it just being David and me. We split so quickly after that. I quit work, and I didn’t even know what I liked anymore. I wasn’t even sure who I was. I’m still not. I’m spinning round and round in circles wondering whether I enjoyed the things we did together, or if it was just spending time with David and Cara that I enjoyed.”
“I’ve felt completely untethered before. It was as if I’d lost my identity.”
Carina turned to me, sympathy in her eyes and the press of her lips in a small frown.
I explained, “I worked for a big tech company, and then suddenly I didn’t. I was a software engineer, then I wasn’t. Did I love writing code, or did I do it because I was good at it? Did I even choose that career because it was what I wanted, or was it just because my math teacher told me I could do it?”
“Exactly.” She nodded. “I feel like I need to rediscover who I am. But I don’t even know where to start.”
“Start with experiences. Go with your gut—do things you’re excited about. You got to experience Vegas in a classic Vegas way—” I teased.
“There’s no need to remind me,” she groaned, but her lips curled up in a smile that lit up her face when she looked at the ring on her finger. She was beautiful, but when she smiled like that, she was breathtaking.
I didn’t even know if she realized what she was doing. She really did like Jacques and Travis, and I was ecstatic that we were making it work together.
“You’ve ridden a horse, and you’re hiking with me now. You’re learning what it’s like to have a dog. You’ll get to go to hockey games soon and we can go to a few away games so you can see other cities too. But they’re all things we enjoy. It’s okay if you want to curl up on the sunporch and read a book all day, or… whatever you want.”
“Thank you,” she said. “It’s partly that but also work. I have no idea what I want to do for a job.” She flicked her ponytail back off her shoulder and batted away a fly. “I’ve always worked, and I know I’ll have to do something, moving forward, but I have no idea what. I’d love something part-time, maybe with kids, but with me being on my own, it’s unlikely I’ll be able to afford to even rent,” she mused.
It was as if she was thinking out loud, and I appreciated her honesty, but didn’t she realize she wasn’t on her own? She had us. Travis wasn’t rich, he never would be with his job, but we didn’t differentiate between his money and ours. We’d do the same with her. Even if she didn’t have a cent to her name and never wanted to work again, we’d still look after her.
But at the same time, I understood her need to stand on her own two feet. Carina had signed an agreement to get divorced sometime after Jacques signed his contract renewal. She’d refused to let him pay her out. She and Jacques had argued over it, but he backed down when she’d said it was either money or sex, not both. He was horrified that he’d left her feeling like he was paying her to sleep with them. Carina could have taken Jacques to the cleaners, demanding a huge sum for her silence, but she’d gone the other way. She hadn’t needed to take the moral high ground, but I respected her a hell of a lot for it.
“Jacques would never let you struggle,” I said. “Neither would I.”
“I appreciate the sentiment, Linc, I really do.”
Warmth bloomed in my chest. She’d started shortening Travis’s name—I’m sure she would have shortened Jacques’s, too, if she could have—and now she’d done it for me too. It was stupid, but it made me feel like I’d gained her approval and was in her inner circle.
She continued, oblivious to the thoughts ricocheting around in my head. “But in less than a year, Jacques will have no responsibility to me at all. When he’s ready for it to be the three of you again, we’ll break up. I do need to be able to stand on my own two feet.”
Is that what she really thought was going to happen here? “I can’t see them wanting to break up just because of an agreement, Carina.”
She shrugged. “There are a lot of variables that need to work out. Even if we don’t break up, I’ll still need to pay for things. I need some income.”
This was a conversation the four of us needed to have as a group.
“The view is so different everywhere I look,” Carina mused. “It’s a clash between desert and tropical paradise, as if they’re fighting for existence in the same space.”
