“You just want Carina to love the ranch,” I teased.
“So do y’all,” he quipped right back. He was absolutely right.
I messaged Jacques:
Travis is getting jacarandas for the drive.
He responded immediately with two love-heart eye emojis.
I’ll pick up the paint on my way home.
I grinned, another idea coming to me. I was going to make more than just the furniture. The nursery was going to be perfect. I couldn’t wait to get started on it.
thirty-three
Carina
MyveryfirstThanksgivingwas only days away, and we were lucky enough to have both Jacques and Trav home for the day. I didn’t expect it happened often given how excited Linc was when he’d marked the game schedule on our calendar app. Then when Trav’s roster was issued, he’d whooped and jumped into Trav’s arms. Jacques had scooped me into an embrace, and we’d danced around the kitchen, laughing the whole time.
It was hard being separated from him during the season. He was home for a few days, then jetted off across the country for games. Sometimes it was only a couple of nights, others it was a week or more at a time. I didn’t know what I would have done without Trav and Linc. They were home and kept me company while Jacques was playing. We went to every game we could drive to, and Trav and I had flown to Vegas and Seattle for games too. But it wasn’t the same as having Jacques in our arms at night.
We were blessed with having him home for the next three nights, and I couldn’t wait. Cara, Alec, and Monroe were coming for Thanksgiving lunch, and Kamirah and Chris were visiting that evening. Both their families were in Boston, and they’d said something about not wanting to travel there.
I was loving the beautiful stretch of high energy in my second trimester. It was still going at twenty-seven weeks, and I was basking in it. I’d forgotten how much I loved catering for people until I’d cooked for the firehouse. Every time it was Trav’s turn to cook, we stopped in there with a feast. His station mates had become my guinea pigs for Thanksgiving too, happy to give feedback on every recipe I tried.
The only thing that could have made it better was to have Sophia and Pierre join us. It wasn’t going to happen; they were still ignoring my calls and from the conversations I’d overheard Jacques having with them, they were livid about Peanut. When they’d suggested I’d come off birth control to trap Jacques, he’d blown up at them. I had no idea how to bridge the chasm that had opened between us. No matter how many times I reached out, there was the same radio silence on their end.
Choosing to focus on the positives rather than keep mourning the loss of a lifetime of friendship was my only choice now.
It wasn’t a hardship. I was in love. We were happy. I was six months pregnant. Peanut was healthy. The publicity that had broken around Jacques becoming a father was overwhelmingly positive. Even the trolls on social media who’d bagged me for being too old and fat for Jacques had gone silent. Or maybe it was because I didn’t give a fuck what they thought. I’d deleted all my socials so I didn’t have to deal with what was said, and I was so much happier for it.
I popped a piece of raw carrot into my mouth and continued scrolling through baby furniture websites for ideas on furniture. Everything I’d suggested to Jacques, Linc and Trav had been met with a distinct lack of enthusiasm. We had such wildly different tastes, and they seemed to change their mind on a dime. I wanted light-colored timber and calming colors—purple, green, or a happy yellow—but they kept suggesting the complete opposite. Then when I found something like they’d describe, they’d change their minds again. We couldn’t agree on colors for anything. The gifts from our baby shower and the baby clothes I’d slowly been collecting were stacked neatly in a bedroom, but as for anything to put them in, well, that was still being debated.
I sighed. Travis was at work, and Linc was delivering a pot that he’d turned, then picking up some last-minute groceries. Jacques was out on a light jog before his home game tonight, and I was curled up with Zeus snoring at my feet. He barely left my side these days, following me everywhere, including the bathroom. It had been months since I’d been able to pee alone.
I marked another furniture set for the guys to look at and finished the last of my carrots. I was officially bored.
“Zeus, let’s go find Jacques.” I nudged my toe into Zeus’s ribs, and he snorted, then went back to snoring. I eased myself off the couch and made it three steps before he was trotting along beside me. “You big boof.” I ruffled his ears and smiled down at my shadow.
We crossed the yard to the paddock, and I watched as Jacques rounded the corner only a quarter of the field away from me, but I wasn’t going chasing after him, especially not in my Uggs.
My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I wandered over to the strip of shorter grass and sat down. Zeus plonked down next to me and rested his head on my thigh. We stretched out in the autumn sun, and I mused, “I got an email the other day, Zeus.” I rolled my eyes. My God, I was talking to the dog now. But his big brown eyes were so earnest, and he often talked back in that Staffy growly-howl kind of way.
I shouldn’t keep ignoring it. David rarely contacted someone personally, and when he did, it was usually important. Before I could talk myself out of it for the tenth time, I opened the email and started reading.
Dear Carina,
I hope you’re well and things are good in the States. I spoke to Cara last night, and she said you’re happy. I hope you are.
I know you’re probably wondering why I’m contacting you out of the blue, but it’s to apologize. Again. My behaviour this past year has been inexcusable. I hurt you, the one person who stood by me no matter what and who gave up her dreams to help me chase mine.
I huffed and shook my head. Yeah, I’d given up my dreams, but it wasn’t for him. It was for Cara, and I’d do the same thing again. I didn’t regret walking away from my music career. How could I when I had Cara? Not only that, but we’d had a good marriage. Even though it ended badly, we’d had many good years together.
I waited for the familiar weight to settle over me, the mix of anger, humiliation, and sadness. But it didn’t come. The hurt was like a scar, faded and barely noticeable anymore. I smiled, realizing that I wasn’t sad anymore. I’d moved on. I was over him and the way our marriage had ended. He’d always be my first love, and he was the father of my daughter too. But I’d found happiness and love. I looked in the direction of the paddock and smiled as I watched Jacques round another corner. I grinned and waved at him, and he blew me a kiss as he jogged past.
I went back to reading, buoyed by the shifting baby in my belly and the men that would come home to me tonight.
I quickly realized that without you and Cara here, the world isn’t as bright. I’m alone now, and before you roll your eyes too hard, I think it’s exactly what I both deserve and need.
