I rested my hand on Monroe’s and closed my eyes, my tears falling silently as I held my men close.
Sleep was a long time coming.
twenty-six
Monroe
Islipped out of bed at the crack of dawn. The moment the sun crested the horizon, I was awake. Watching Cara and Alec sleep together, curled into each other had broken my heart. He was leaving, and we were going back to the Coast in a few hours.
I hadn’t been able to stay and watch them any longer. I was going out of my mind. I’d dressed and slipped out of Cara’s room, needing a few hours to get my head on straight. It was no longer a question of what I wanted. I knew without the shadow of a doubt. My problem was, how could I ask for it?
I couldn’t.
I couldn’t ask them to give up so much to be with me.
But I didn’t want to walk away from either of them, never mind both.
I was yo-yoing back and forth, wanting and knowing I couldn’t really have everything. I kept trying to talk myself into asking, and then I remembered that I couldn’t. And it was killing me.
But it was too late. I hadn’t said goodbye to Alec. I’d snuck out of Cara’s room like a thief in the night, and now he was alreadyat the airport. He and the rest of the team were less than an hour away from leaving.
Cara and I weren’t on the same flight back to the Coast either.
My regrets were piling up, and I was suffocating under their weight.
I looked at my phone taunting me on the table and snatched it up. Before I could talk myself out of it, I dialled Ezra.
He answered on the second ring. “Hey, mate. How are you?”
It was a loaded question, one I must have taken too long to answer, because Ezra’s voice came through again. “Hello?”
“I’m here, mate.” I sighed, and it turned into a groan. I scrubbed my hand over my face and pinched the bridge of my nose.
The noise in the background quietened, and Ezra said, “Talk to me, Roe. I’m here.”
“I feel like I’m losing everything again. I want both of them. Why can’t I have them?” I rushed out, failing miserably to temper my disappointment.
“I don’t know, mate. Why can’t you?” I opened my mouth to respond, but Ezra kept talking. “It’s not the easiest relationship to manage with the distance involved, but it wouldn’t be impossible either.”
“What do you mean? Not impossible?” I asked. The whole concept was ridiculous. We literally lived on opposite sides of the world to one another. Having Alec part time would never be enough, not for him and definitely not for me. I didn’t want to love Cara on my own. I wanted him there too. I wanted both of us to make her happy, not just me. And I wanted Alec and I to make each other happy too.
“What did they say? Do they both want this too?”
“I….”
“Because seriously, man, you could make it work. But you need to talk to one another.”
Ezra went quiet after that, waiting for me to respond. But I had nothing. I hadn’t spoken with them. I’d just assumed it wouldn’t work and that they wouldn’t want this.
“I haven’t told them,” I admitted slowly, the truth hitting me like a freight train.
“Remember when I was struggling with my relationship?” Ezra asked, continuing without giving me a chance to speak. “Do you know what fixed it? Talking. Being honest with one another and the people who matter to us,” he said pointedly. “You need to talk to them.”
“He’s leaving the country in an hour.” My voice sounded panicked even to myself.
“You have an hour, then. Go and talk to him. Then talk to Cara.”
“Yeah. Yeah, okay. Um—” I stood up, looking for my phone, room key, and wallet. I shoved two of the three in my pocket, but couldn’t find my phone. “Shit,” I grumbled.
