“Please, just… let me finish.” He squeezed his eyes shut for a long moment before speaking again. “I knew — deep down — I was never playing free again. Every time I lace up my skates, he’s still there. He’s this loud and ever-present voice in my head telling me I’m not good enough. That I’m soft. Weak. A loser.”
He drew in another long breath.
“And it didn’t just stop on the ice. I learned early on that silence was safer. That keeping my head down, not taking up space, not making mistakes — that’s how I stayed out of the line of fire. It bled into everything. Friendships. Dating. Sex.”
He rubbed the back of his neck.
“I hadonesexual experience before you. With Zina. And I was a fucking kid, Liv. I had no idea what I was doing. And I know I told you the story and joked about it and that’s what I do. I joke about it with everyone. I joke about every fucking thing.” He gritted his teeth, then shook it off like he was getting off topic. “But I choked that night. I didn’t know what to do. What I left out of that story was that I didn’t last long, and Zina laughed at me. All the guys there did, too, and it became this running joke.‘Don’t put Fabri out in the third. We all know he can’t last.’”
I shook my head.
Hockey players could be real fucking asshole sometimes.
“I have this vivid memory of Zina saying I had no idea what I was doing. But it washisvoice I heard when she said it.” There was that soft not-smile on his lips again. “And yeah, after that, I just… I gave up. I throw out corny lines and jokes because I know no one will take me seriously, women included. I make fun ofmyself before anyone else has the chance. And that’s easier, isn’t it?”
Carter lifted his gaze, and when it crashed into mine, it was like we were the only two people in the world.
“To laugh first is easier than waiting to be humiliated. To pretend I don’t care is easier than letting it matter. Because if it matters — if I actually try, actually want something — and I still fail?” He shook his head. “Then it means they were right about me all along.”
My chest ached as I watched him, as I did my best to hold space for what he was trusting me to hold for him. Subtly, somewhere in the back of my mind, there was a voice whispering that I should shut this down, that I should tell him I don’t need to know anything else.
But I threw a pillow over that voice and muffled it completely because I wanted to know. I felt honored that he was telling me.
And I felt a burning desire to help him more than ever.
That was something not many understood about The Lifestyle; how consensual, kinky sex could be freeing and could heal wounds so deep no amount of therapy can touch them. It’s not just about getting off — it could be about facing fears and overcoming insecurities, or reclaiming power and control, orreleasingcontrol and learning to relax.
His final words hung there, fragile in the air between us.
When I didn’t respond right away, he dropped his gaze to the fire again.
“You’re not going to say anything?”
I swallowed. “I’m thinking.”
His lips twitched, almost a smile. “Dangerous.”
“Only when it’s about contracts or cock rings,” I teased gently, then let the moment settle. “Thank you. For telling me.”
He gave a half nod, but I could see the tension still lived in his shoulders.
“You know,” I added, reaching for my third martini, “there’s a big difference between being bad at something and never being given the chance to be good at it.”
He blinked, looking at me like he was trying to decide if he believed me.
“You’re not broken, Carter. You’re just untrained.”
He smirked. “That supposed to be sexy?”
“It’s supposed to be honest.” I ate my olive, tapping the skewer against my lip a moment. “And while we’re on that honesty kick, yes… it is sexy. I find it incredibly hot, actually.”
“Okay,” he said, sitting up with flat lips. “You don’t have to patronize me now.”
“I’m not. Your corny lines make me laugh, which is a rarity. I like corny. And I like teaching you. I like the thought of molding you to be my own little pleasure provider. I like how eager you are and how well you listen. And I can tell you that just by the first two times we’ve been together, that coach doesn’t know shit about you. You’re more than capable, Rook. And you’re passing this class with flying colors already.”
“Is this praise kink foreplay? Because it’s working.”
I smiled. “Do you have plans on Friday?”
