And for just a moment, I decided to let it stay.
Impossibly Lost
Livia
The party stretched into the night, winding down somewhere near when Cinderella’s carriage turns into a pumpkin.
The music had softened, the band gone and replaced by quiet classical music from Chloe’s phone, and only the core of us remained. Aleks and Mia collected empty glasses from tabletops, laughing together as they bumped hips. Vince and Maven stacked plates at the bar, their bickering playfully punctuated by stolen kisses. Jaxson and Grace perched on the edge of a lounge chair, Jax whispering something in Grace’s ear that made her cheeks pink even as she swatted him away.
From beside the pool, Ava squealed, hiking up the hem of her tulle dress before launching herself straight into the water. A chorus of gasps and laughter rang out — and seconds later, Will kicked off his loafers and jumped in after her, the splash enormous.
Chloe’s jaw dropped, her delighted shriek carrying over the water. “William Perry!” she yelled, tossing off her heels and diving in, too. The three of them surfaced, sputtering and laughing, and the whole backyard echoed with joy.
I smiled to myself, warmth blooming in my chest at the sight of it. For a brief, fragile moment, it was enough to simply stand on the fringe, martini in hand, watching love ripple outward like rings in a pond.
Then a hand slid into the crook of my elbow.
I startled, turning — but Carter was already guiding me wordlessly away from the crowd. I abandoned my drink on a cocktail table as we passed, looking around to make sure no one had eyes on us.
The only one who did was Maven, and she made a motion like her lips were zipped shut.
Carter’s grip was steady, his body close enough that his heat bled into mine, and before I could ask what he was doing, we rounded the house and my back hit the wall.
His mouth found mine with a hunger that stole every ounce of air from my lungs.
His hands braced the wall on either side of my head, caging me in, his chest pressed hard against my dress, his breath shaking like he’d sprinted from the ends of the earth to get to me.
“I couldn’t wait another second to kiss you,” he rasped against my lips. His hands moved from the wall to my hips, bunching the fabric there. “You in this dress…” He groaned, kissing me again, reverent, desperate. “You in anything. You existing, Liv — it’s the very thing that undoes me.”
My pulse thundered. I kissed him back because how could I not, because every ounce of me had wanted this, but my body trembled with confusion, with fear of what it meant. This wasn’t a lesson. This wasn’t something safely outlined in a contract. This was Carter’s graduation, and for his final assignment, he was claiming me like there was no other option than for me to be his.
He finally broke our kiss, his forehead against mine as our breaths met in a panting rhythm between us. My hands clutched his jacket and his held fast to my waist.
I felt the heaviness of the emotions warring inside him before he spoke them into existence, but I still wasn’t prepared for their impact.
“Livia, I… I can’t do this anymore. I can’t skate within the boundaries of the deal we made or the contract we signed.”
My pulse was razor sharp and unsteady, and I didn’t know if I was petrified of what he’d say next or filled with an unshakeable hope.
Carter wet his lips, shaking his head — not like he was unsure of what he wanted to say, but more that he was uncertain of my reaction to it.
“I want more,” he finally spoke, his voice low and raspy. “God,Livia, Ineedmore. I know I said I understood the terms and conditions when I signed. And maybe I meant it at the time, but fuck, honestly, I’m not sure I did. Even then, I knew you held a key to unlocking a part of me no one else had access to. And you have. You’ve… you’ve shown me all I’m capable of. You’ve made me the best version of myself. But more than anything, you’ve let me see the best version ofyou.” He kissed me again, this time slower and more urgent all the same. “And I can’t go back to just being your friend. I can’t lie to myself any longer, and I refuse to lie to you. It’s not about lessons anymore. It hasn’t been for a while. I want more. And I’m asking you to stand up to every ghost of uncertainty coming alive inside you right now and give it to me.”
As if he’d conjured them, I felt the spirits of my dark past rising within my chest, long fingers wrapping around my throat and squeezing tight.
“Okay, Rookie,” I said on a breathy, frail laugh that betrayed me. “Is this your practice run forBachelor in Paradise? Because you’ve got the dramatic declaration down pat.”
The words left my mouth on autopilot, my go-to armor of sarcasm, but even as they hung between us, I heard how brittlethey sounded. The joke didn’t land — not with the pounding in my ears, not with the tremor in my voice that gave me away. My pulse was still thundering, my hands still fisted in his jacket like I was clinging to a cliff edge.
And Carter didn’t smile.
His jaw flexed, eyes steady, unwavering.
“You always think I’m joking,” he said, voice low and hard as steel, each word pressed with purpose. “ThatI’ma joke. And you know now, better than anyone, how much that hurts.”
Instantly, any mask of indifference left me. I shook my head, concern for my negligence eating me alive. “Oh, shit. Carter, I didn’t—”
“No,” he said firmly, stepping in even closer somehow, like he wanted to crawl inside me to deliver his next hit. “Don’t soften it. Don’t take it back. You wanted me to stand my ground? Well, here I am.” His breath shook, his chest rising against mine as if this cost him everything. “I mean what I say, Livia. I’m not joking.”
