"Perhaps he does. But Sophia, you cannot live with that guilt forever. It will eat you alive."
Scarlett kneels in front of me, takes my hands in hers. "It'sdone, Soph. Right or wrong, you did it. It happened. You can’t take it back. You can’t atone for it. Good actions don’t erase bad ones. That's just not how life works. All you can do is move forward. Forgive yourself and live your life. Does punishing yourself by reliving that day and clinging to your guilt bring those people back to life?"
I shake my head. "No. Of course not."
"No, of course not," she echoes. "So who does your guilt serve?"
“No one," I admit.
"Right. No one. Of course you can’t forget. I can't forget my family dying in the jungle. Naomi can't forget the awful things her father did to her. Terra can't forget what her father's friends did to her. Myka can't forget her ex cheating on her and gaslighting her. Anjalee can't forget being controlled by her parents and being forced to marry someone she didn't even know. Tatiana can't forget her friends being murdered. Annika can't forget the accident that ended her career, or being an addict. The guys all have their shit they can't forget. But carryingaround guilt and shame isn't the answer. That just fucks you up and leaves you isolated and hating yourself. And I don't think that's the answer. Iknowthat’s not the answer.”
I close my eyes and breathe. Think about guilt and self-forgiveness.
Forward progress.
"I think it's time for me to leave the past in the past," I say, as much to myself as out loud.
"You're damn right it is," Scarlett says.
I get to my feet and spin in a slow circle, taking in the room, the people in it.
The guys ended the arm-wrestling contest at some point—I have no idea who won, nor do I care—and are now sitting at the tables in a close-knit cluster, sipping drinks and passing around joints; Kane eschews both, a can of flavored sparkling water looking tiny in his giant hand. The girls huddle together on the couch around me, a few murmured cross-conversations happening.
Slowly, eyes land on me and conversation slows, and then stops. I let the silence breathe for a few moments.
"It's time," I say, and pause for effect. "Scarlett has expressed her desire to take the brand and swear the oath of the Broken Arrows. We will all go together and witness her take the oath. If any of you wish to join Scarlett, you may. There is no obligation. You are welcome and you are part of this family, brand or not, oath or not." I turn and face the men. "Gentlemen, it did not escape my notice that you chose to take lives in the mission to rescue me. After all that has happened over the past few weeks, I understand that choice, and while I cannot and will not speak for him, I know Jakob would agree. And while there is no cause or benefit from re-doing the brand, I think there is value to renewing your oath against the taking of life. It is my greatesthope that in the weeks, months, and years to come, all of us will be able to put down our arms and live in peace."
I pause, considering my next words.
"With Jakob absent for the foreseeable future, the burden of leadership here falls to me. Jakob has expressed his intention that there should be some changes to the Arrows, but he never shared what those would be. In his absence, I take the responsibility for that decision. I chose each of you—Rev, Kane, Chance, Saxon, Silas, Solomon, and Lash. I brought you to Las Vegas and presented you with a choice: continue living your life as you were, or choose a new path. With me, and with your brothers. You all chose the brotherhood." I let out a breath. "Club Sin will always be your home. You will always have a place here, no matter what, and no matter how much time may pass. That brand assures you of that. But…" I scan their faces. "You have faced your pasts. Your enemies. Your guilt. Your trauma. You have partners. You have futures, now. And should your future take you away from Club Sin, that is your choice to make. You can stay here as long as you want, and should you and your partner decide it's time to start a life together elsewhere, so be it. We will see you off and wish you well. I am not telling you what you should do or should not do—I am merely explaining your options."
Silence greets this—stunned, perplexed.
"The original ceremony took place way out in the desert," I say. "I see no reason to go so far, this time. We will convene outside in ten minutes, and we will hold the branding ceremony in the hills just beyond the parking lot. Any questions?"
More silence.
"Very good. I'll see you all outside in ten minutes."
Solomon gets to his feet. "This isn't a question, Sophia, more of a statement on behalf of all of us. Lorenzo was telling us that you were considering leaving your personal quarters upstairsand taking a room down here, to be more of a part of the group. And while I—and we, speaking for everyone, I think—appreciate the thought, that's fucking stupid."
I blink, barking a stunned laugh. "Excuse me?"
He grins. "Sophia, you have a whole-ass condo up there. You'd be an idiot to leave that for an eight-by-eight box." He shakes his head. "Look, I wouldn't give up my room for anything. Not yet. I'm not ready to go anywhere. That's just me, and I know Scar feels the same."
"I just got here," Scarlett says. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Exactly," Sol says. "Soph, you're one of us, no matter where your bed and clothing are. You have absolutely nothing to prove to anyone. Not to us, and I hope to god you understand that you don't have shit to prove to yourself, either. The best-case scenario, to my way of thinking, is that now that everything is over, our lives go back to normal. Just…with Lorenzo around." He glances at Toro, Taj, and Fonz. "And you fellas."
"Regarding that," I say, addressing the three men. “The choice to bring you in as Arrows cannot be mine alone. Jakob must have the final say. I hope you understand. But please know that you are, at very least, honorary members, and you are welcome here in the Common Room. Your duties, privileges, responsibilities, and pay will be adjusted to reflect that new reality. Once Jakob returns, we will bring you in and hold an official ceremony."
"It is my greatest wish to bear the brand," Toro says. "I have watched your closeness with no little jealousy in the time that I have been employed by Club Sin. To even be considered for membership in a fraternity such as the Broken Arrows is an honor."
"I feel the same," Taj says.
"Samesies," Fonz says, and then sighs. "No joke, you all are the shit. You've got my loyalty for life, oath and brand or not.But obviously, given the choice, I'll take the brand and swear the oath all fuckin' day long."
Emotions running high inside me, I duck my head and clear my throat. "Very good. Ten minutes, at the topside entrance."
