"You…do?" I say.
"Sure. If Ren is anything like Rev, let's just say I'm gonna assume he gets off almost as much from giving as he does getting." She glances at me for confirmation. "Makes sure you come several times for every one time he does. And you wake up and you wanna show him how grateful you are, and he's naked and his big, beautiful cock is justright there, begging you to pay attention to it?”
"And all of a sudden, you've got that thang in your mouth," Terra says, picking up where Myka stopped, "And he's waking up like, what's evenhappeningright now?"
I stare from woman to woman. "Yes that's….yes."
"But you've got to have some pretty major hangups about giving head, considering what your evil ex did to you," Annika says.
I nod. "I do. Even thinking about…" I hesitate, and then find the words pouring out. "Even thinking about putting his…putting him in my mouth, I…" I shake my head. "It scared me senseless.”
“Of course it did," Myka says. "And I don't know him that well, but I can't imagine he'd ever try to make you feel pressured."
"No!" I protest. “No. Not at all. The exact opposite. He made it clear that was something he'dneverpush for. He knew what Rafa was like. He worked for him, after all. He saw things I know he'll never talk about.”
"So what'd you do?" Scarlett asks. "Because I don't know how I'd be able to get past that."
“Well, I…" I shrug. "It was made a little easier by the fact that up to that point, every other part of sex that I had fears about—which was everything—turned out to be nothing to be afraid of." I frown. "I'm not certain if that made any sense. It feels rather convoluted."
"We follow you," Tatiana assures me.
"I…earlier, during sex," I drop my voice. "I did it. A little bit. Just for a moment, before he stopped me. Used my mouth on him, I mean. But that was in the middle of things, you know? It's much easier when you're already aroused, is it not?"
“Hell yeah it is," Terra says. "Going down on a guy, especially a well-endowed one? It can be a little intimidating. The first time, at least. You don't know what he's gonna do, how he's gonna respond."
I blink at her, curiosity overriding politeness. "Him being Saxon? Or him being all men?"
She smiles at me. "Meaning it sounds like I know that from experience with a lot of different men?"
"Well…" I say, hesitating to admit that she's right.
She just laughs. "Oh, Soph. You know the boys' backgrounds, but you clearly don't know ours. I was a ho."
"Terra, I would never pass judgment," I say.
"Oh, I know. Me either—that's not a judgement call on myself, it's just facts. I went through a phase in life where I was pretty fuckin’ promiscuous. I got no problem talking about it. Ask me anything, babe."
"Can I ask why?" I say, after a moment of thought.
"Why was I a slut?" She shrugs. "Psychologists and therapists call it hyper-expression of sexuality in response to sexual trauma during one's formative years."
I frown. "English is not my first language and I'm kind of stoned."
"I was raped when I was really young by a couple of my father's friends. It fucked with my head hard.”Hahd.“I spent a few years hating men and hating myself and hiding my body and cutting and all that shit. And eventually, with my best friend Emily's help, I was able to move past all that. Discovered self-pleasure first, and then eventually sex with dudes. And once I started fuckin', it was off to the races. Couldn't get enough. Provin' somethin' to myself, I guess." Her South Boston accent is more pronounced as the evening wears on. "An’ now I got my Saxy-boy, and I can't get enough off him and his giant, magical lingy-whatsit."
"Lingam," Anjalee corrects.
“Yeah, that."
I nod. "I understand. I…well, I never went through a hyper-expression phase. But I can understand how such a reaction would occur."
Terra nods. "It's different with Saxon, though."
"How?"
"Well, it's…deeper. When I was sleepin' around, it didn't mean nothin'. It was for me. It was…I guess partly to prove that I had the power. I could choose who, when, where, how, how long, and what we did. When we stopped. I'd play with 'em, y'know? Tease 'em. Fuck wit' their heads. I followed through, because I ain't a bitch, but it was fun to play. It let me feel comfortable to have that control. With Saxon, there ain't no games. It's just him and me. My heart and his. My body and his. Itmeanssomethin'. It means fuckin'everything. But…" she grins, shrugging. "It don'talwayshave to mean somethin'. I took Saxon into our room and sucked his brains out through his dick just because I wanted to. I enjoy it. It's fun. I thought I had Anni here fooled, but I guess not, and now she's gonna try an' murder me through exercise. Maybe she can do what I never could, though."
Annika frowns, puzzled. "That being what?"
