“To be honest, I should be. Just about was. I was…saved.”
“Well, I’m glad you were.” Somethin’ good’s gotta come outta this place.”
“Uncle Joey…”
He lights the cigarette, sucks smoke, coughs on the exhale in a way that makes me wonder if Eddie’s not the only one with one foot in the grave. “Get on outta here, Chance. Take that girl and git. You said your piece. I said mine. Nothing else for it.”
I nod, heft the box. “Thanks for this.”
“Hope it brings you some kinda peace about your old man. He really was the best of us.” He heads for the house. “Goodbye, Chance. Have yourself a good life.” The screen door slams after him.
Rico hesitates. “Dad is…”
I nod. “I know. I heard it.”
“Won’t be no funeral. So…don’t come.”
“You think Eddie’ll…” I trail off.
Rico nods. “Yup. He barely gets outta bed most days. Won’t be long.”
“What are you gonna do, after?”
He shrugs. “Hell if I know.” He glances at the screen door. “Probably sell this place. Won’t tell Dad, but…I couldn’t stay here on my own.”
“I wouldn’t either.”
He holds the door open, glances at me. “Good to see you healthy, Chance.” That’s all the goodbye I’ll get from Rico—he was always shy on words.
I head back to the Jeep. Set the box on the rear floor well, get behind the wheel. Make the turnaround, head away. Annika watches me for a long time without speaking.
I reach out and take her hand. “It was good, mama. I’m good.”
She keeps watching me. “You sure? That sounded intense.”
“It was. Eddie is not well, and neither is Uncle Joey. Eddie…that’s a lost cause. He’s…he’s gone. Way down the hole and doesn’t plan to come out of it. I think Uncle Joey is sort of seeing mortality himself and he’s sorta…” I lift a hand. “Thinking on things. Rico…he’s always been a bit…aloof, I guess. Not sure where he’s at. But I’m glad I came. I can see that Eddie never really…” I shake my head, sighing. “I don’t know. I guess what Joey said is the best way to put it—he chose his path.”
She nods. “Yeah, that’s the way of it sometimes. I don’t want to use the phrase ‘lost cause’ but…”
“If it were to ever apply, it applies to Eddie.” I scrub my face. “And I think me getting addicted was…collateral damage.”
“What’s in the box?” she asks.
I sigh. “Uh, so I guess Dad was pretty close to my aunt Lucy, who we all call Aunt Lu. I guess he exchanged letters with her for years, sent her photos of us. When Aunt Lu passed, her daughter, my cousin, brought the box to Uncle Joey, I guess figuring if I was gonna maybe see him.”
“So how many aunts and uncles and cousins do you have?”
I laugh. “A fuck-ton. There were six in my dad’s family. Uncle Joey’s the only one left. Aunt Lu…she was complicated. When I came here, after I left the Corps, I tried to connect with her, but…” I sigh, frowning. “I guess I reminded her of my dad and it was hard for her, and she didn’t really want to…I dunno. She couldn’t deal with that, so our connection sort of fizzled. Or at least, that’s all I can really come up with. She just didn’t want to see me, which I admit both hurt and pissed me off. All the others have passed—two before I was born, one when I was kid, another a few years ago, then Aunt Lu just a few years ago.” I sigh. “And Joey ain’t long for this world either, I don’t think. Rico hinted at the fact that he’s sick, and I could tell, too. He’s lost a lot of weight, he’s been a chain-smoker for as along as I’ve been alive, and he’s got a nasty cough.” I shrug, shake my head, glance in the rearview as the two huge banyan trees recede from view. “This is goodbye for good to this place, to this part of my life.”
She touches my arm briefly, a brush of her fingers before grabbing the oh-shit bar and her chest once more. “How do you feel about that?”
I twist the wheel in my fists. “Mixed. I mean, when I lived here, I was…even before I got hooked on tweak, things were not great. Bleak. I was depressed. I was struggling with becoming a civilian. Nightmares. Seeing threats around every corner.” I laugh. “PTSD, I guess, now that I think about it.”
“Chance…” her voice is soft, sad, compassionate.
“Ain’t gonna lie, mama, it was rough.” I clear my throat. “That place back there? It’s a fuckin’ hovel. Leaks. Dark. Bugs, rodents, no A/C. Stank to high heaven, because it’s fuckin’ filthy, as you can probably imagine, since we both know addicts ain’t exactly clean freaks.” I shake my head. “I was drinking all the time, smoking pot…doing shady shit with Eddie and Rico. There were always fights. Eddie and Rico would get wasted and pick fights with me, or with Joey and I’d have to step in. There wasn’t enough food, because what money there was went to booze, smokes, and drugs.” I grip the wheel until it creaks and my knuckles hurt. “I…after I got hooked, it was easy for Eddie to manipulate me into doing shit I wouldn’t normally do. Knock over liquor stores, put the hurt on someone who owed Eddie money.” I shake my head. “Fuckin’ shameful, the shit I did. No excuse. I just did it because if I did, Eddie would give me a hit. He used me, strung me along, kept me strung out and made sure he was the only place I could get my fix. He used me. But it was still me who did that shit.”
She rests her hand on my thigh, knowing there’s nothing for her to say; it’s all been said. I just need to get this out.
