“You did.”
“I didn’t want it. Iwantedto flush it.”
His smile is one of empathetic joy, and I feel it in my bones. “How’s it feel to be free and clean, mama?”
I swallow, eyes burning. “I can’t even tell you.” I look back at Alvin once more. “You don’t think he’ll recover and still try something?”
“I mean, he’s dumb enough it’s a possibility. But ain’t a damn thing he can do to you, now, Annika. Now, you got somethin’ in your life you were missin’ before.”
I can’t help a laugh, an eye roll, and a sigh. “Let me guess…you.”
“Damn right, baby.” He pulls me up to him, bending to meet me, and his lips slant across mine, pressing hard, his tongue swiping across the seam of my closed mouth, demanding entry, which I give him—his kiss is potent, disorienting and wild and heart-palpitating. “Nobodyandnothingwill ever touch you again, beautiful. You got my vow.”
I shake my head. “Chance, you barely know me.”
“I know you, woman. Have we been acquainted for a long time? No. That shit don’t matter. The heart recognizes kindred souls, darlin’. And you and me are that. We’re connected. I fuckin’knowyou. I know your soul. I understand the demon that lives in here.” He slams his fist over his chest, hard, twice—thump-thump. “I know what that motherfucker will tell you to do just to get another fuckin’ hit. I knowexactlyhow it feels to burn inside and out with the need for that poison. Just like you, I’ve laid on the bathroom floor, puking my guts out, shaking like a leaf, sweating like a pig, detoxing and hating every single goddamn second of being alive.” He touches his forehead to mine, his voice a low, intense whisper. “Iknowyou. I don’t need to have known you for a long time to know we are fuckin’ destined for each other. I knew that in my balls and in my bones and in my blood the moment I saw you. How, why, I don’t know, but I ain’t fightin’ it, honey. You’re fighting it, and I get it. But I’ll be here on the other side, ready for you when you finally give up and accept it.”
I just breathe, and fight the burn in my chest and my eyes. “Let’s get out of here,” I whisper, my voice hoarse.
I can’t handle him. I can’t handle his intensity, his brutal honesty. It’s too much. I never wanted a fucking soul mate or kindred spirit or whatever. I only ever wanted to play volleyball, to make the Olympics. And then I just wanted to not end up dead in a drug den somewhere. Then I just wanted to not end up sucking Alvin’s dick to pay off my debt to him.
I don’t even know what I want anymore.
I can’t deal with Chance and hisI know you, womanbullshit. Maybe it’s not bullshit, but it’s too much. Especially for right this moment. Right now, I just want to focus on enjoying being free of Alvin and free of the pull of the meth. I know better than to think I can let my guard down, but it’s almost as major a step as getting clean in the first place.
He takes my hand and leads me to the Challenger, waits till I have my cane settled before closing the door.
We drive away from Alvin’s neighborhood, and I don’t know that I’ve ever been so glad to leave somewhere.
I close my eyes, and I just float and trust Chance to take us wherever he wants to go. I don’t care.
For the first time in years, I’m truly free.
6An Addiction Origin Story
Chance
Iwanted it.
I could almost fucking taste it. It wasright there, baggies and baggies of that shit, plus pipes and lighters and shit. I coulda taken it and there wouldn’t have been shit those punk-ass motherfuckers could’ve done about it.
I watched Annika flush it, and even though I didn’t do the flushing myself, I felt a sense of pride. Freedom. There’s something in that act, flushing the poison, that makes you feel liberated from the hold it has on you.
I don’t have a clue where we’re going, I’m just driving west, out of Vegas, away from it all. Annika is lost in her head, staring out the window, silent. I give her that space. God knows I need it myself, to work through my own shit.
Such as, my fear of leaving the club—meaning, my fear that if I leave and go out into the world and live life outside of the safe confines of the club, I’ll relapse. Have I been limiting myself, all this time? I don’t think so. I wouldn’t have had the courage to leave, on my own. I didn’t even do it for myself, I did it for Annika.
I have a complex, you see. Because I’m so huge and so strong, I’ve always felt the compulsion to do more, be more, take on more, simply because I can. I was homeless and starving when I came across Rev, a sad, scared, angry, lost kid, and I helped him. Taught him what little I knew about surviving on the streets. It was the blind leading the blind, but I still felt compelled to help. To be fair, he ended up saving my ass as much as I did his, but still. As a Marine, I always volunteered for the hardest and most dangerous shit. It’s a savior complex. I always feel like I gotta save everyone else.
The meth took that right outta me. Made me as pathetic and helpless as someone a quarter of my size. Because with that shit, size means nothing. Strength means nothing. It wins, you die, and you fuck up your whole life on the way to an early grave. And probably fuck up life for a lot of other folks in the process.
Or you get clean.
I never had the balls to get clean on my own. Not like Annika. She chose life, she chose sobriety. She did it. Stuck it out.
Me? I was rescued.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Annika’s voice is quiet, cutting through my thoughts with its dulcet softness.
