She ignores me. Presses up behind me, flat against my back, her arms going around my middle.
“She died. I was…barely hurt a bit. Scratched, cut, bruised, concussion. And Della-Marie fuckin’ died instantly. I killed her. I drove drunk, and Ifuckin’ killed her.” I say it through gritted teeth. “The man took me in. Made me his own fuckin son, gave me a life, gave me a job, gave me a home, gave me fuckin’everything, including his own goddamned daughter, and I took her from him.”
“Kane, my god.” She whispers it. “My god. I am so sorry.”
“You’resorry?” I laugh bitterly. “Jesus, Anj. You don’t get it—Imurderedher.” I choke again. “Was plannin’ on proposing to her, that night. Instead, I killed her.”
“What happened? With you and Luke?”
“I left.” I touch my palms to her hands, but I’m worried if I grab her hands, I’ll crush them.
“You left?” It’s a breathed question.
“Didn’t even have the fuckin’ balls to go to her funeral. I ran away, joined the Army and never looked back.” I spit, I have to—bile is thick and sour on my tongue. “During basic, my back quit hurting. I dunno why. Got assigned to a grunt squad—infantry. Somewhere along the way during my first tour in Iraq, my ability with a rifle and my general physical capability caught the attention of the right folks, and I got asked to try out for the Rangers. Made it, and the rest is history.” I try to breathe, can’t quite. “Killed Della-Marie, and then I got my whole team killed.”
She’s silent a long time, just holding me. “You never spoke to him?”
“To Luke?” I clarify, and she nods. “No. Hell no. How could I? What would I say? I’msorry?”
She’s silent again for a while, and I can tell she’s thinking hard. “You carry very much blame on your shoulders.”
“Yeah, I do. Where it belongs.”
“You made a mistake, Kane.”
“Gettin’ on that horse before he was ready was amistake. Getting behind the wheel of that truck when I was so drunk I couldn’t fuckin’ walk straight? That ain’t a mistake. Don’t know a word for what that is. Except murder, which is what I did to the woman I loved.” I shake my head. “Probably a warrant for my arrest out there, still. DUI and manslaughter. Although, if there was, I figure it would have come up before now. Doesn’t matter. Ain’t ever goin’ back.”
She’s still holding me.
“That’s the filth I mean, Anjalee,” I whisper. “Not you. Not…us.Me.” I hear my voice, already a whisper, break. “I’mthe filth.”
She shudders. “You have carried the burden of this guilt for far too long. You must learn to put it down, Kane.”
“How?”
She rests her cheek on my back. “I do not know.”
“Me either, darlin’.”
“I will think on this. I will help you. We will do it, together.”
I can’t help a laugh, but it’s bitter and cynical. “I wish I could say I felt more optimistic about that, honey.”
She pulls away from me, taking my hand. “Come. Sleep with me. Hold me.” She waits until I’m turned, looking into my eyes. “I do not see filth, Kane. I only see a good man with much sorrow.”
I can’t answer that. I don’t see what she sees. I’m not sure I ever will.
9Love Covers A Multitude of Sins
Anjalee
The next day, we leave the camping ground and continue east, touring the mountains, stopping at scenic overlooks wherever we find them.
Kane is not his usual cheerful self. He is still lost in the past, I believe.
I do not know how to pull him free of it.
We are eating dinner at a small diner in a small town—there are more motorcycles outside the restaurant than I have ever seen in my life, dozens of them. The diner is loud, chaotic, with raucous music and men wearing denim and leather. I love it.
