After several minutes of silence, my thoughts and emotions churning, I know without a doubt that I’m not getting out of this one. I can’t leave it like this.
Fuck me.
I have to tell her.
I go back to the fire. Anjalee has placed a log on it, and has my poke stick and is stirring the coals like she’s seen me do. She’s crying. It guts me—guts me more. Makes me think of Ma, crouched in a corner, lip bleeding, crying softly for fear of rousing his anger further.
I sit beside her, barely able to stand myself. “I apologize for yelling at you, Anj. Shouldn’t have. I hope you know I’d never…” I choke, swallow bile.
She sniffles, looks at me, tear tracks on her eyes. “I know.”
I hang my head. “I’m sorry.”
She puts a hand on my knee. “There is nothing to forgive, Kane. I yelled, too. I never for a moment thought you would put a hand to me. I was not frightened of you.”
“My dad…” I swallow again, but the hot lump won’t go down. “He yelled even more than he hit. Yelled at me, at Ma. I always swore I’d never raise my voice like that.”
“You arenothim.” Her voice is sharp and firm. “I do not know him, and I think I never will. But I know you are not him. Nor are you like him. You yelled because you were feeling high emotions, big things, difficult things. This is normal, I think. It does not mean you are an abuser, Kane.”
“Thank you,” I whisper.
She twists to look at me. “For what, please?”
“Understanding—” I choke out. “Understanding me.”
“It is because we are connected, Kane.” Her voice touches my fucking soul.
I look up—the clouds are clearing, stars shining between shreds of gray, the waning chunk of moon appearing and disappearing. Somehow, the silver shine gives me courage.
No, it’s not the light.
It’s her. She looks at me, waiting, feeling the words building and boiling in my chest, in my gut, and she waits them out of me. She moves closer. Hip to hip, thigh to thigh. Rests her chin on my arm, gazing at me with wet eyes.
“I was twelve,” I mutter. “I was already big. Pretty strong. Grew up hard, chopping wood, planting, digging, carrying buckets of water, dragging kills miles through the snow. And I was fuckin’ sick of getting beat. Mom was…a ghost. A shell of a woman. There was no escape from him. It was a hundred fuckin’ miles through the wildest country you ever saw just to get to a one-stoplight town. Nothin’ there but a bar, a grocery store, and a farm supply store, a post office. No police, no doctor. They wouldn’t’a helped anyway.”
I remember that town, clear as day. Sad, lonely nowhere town. Not sure it even had a name.
“One day, about…shit, a month or two shy of my thirteenth birthday, Dad came back from town with a black eye, already drunk. He’d tied one on at the bar, got into a fight, got his ass kicked. Pissed off, hurt, and drunk.”
“Oh god, no.” She clutches my arm. Like she was there, like she can feel what’s coming.
“For whatever reason, he went after Ma, ‘stead’a me.” I swallow, but the bile is thick and bitter. “Damn near killed her. I was…fuck. I was too fuckin’ scared to stop him.”
“You were a child,” she whispers.
I just nod, because it’s true, and I know it. “Still.” I shake my head. “Finally, I knew I had to do somethin’. He wasn’t stopping. Usually, he’d quit. Get tired, need a drink, whatever. That night? He didn’t quit. She was down, wasn’t fuckin’ movin’, bleedin’ from the fuckin’ ear.”
“My god, Kane. My god.”
I try to smile at her. “Save your pity, honey. I’m just gettin’ started.”
She frowns but keeps quiet.
“Stepped in. Hit him. Lookin’ back, shoulda hit him with somethin’, but I was scared. I get my size from him—Dad was abigmotherfucker. I jumped on him, started wailin’ on him.” I grit my teeth. “He fuckin’…hethrewme. Right through the goddamn window.”
She sucks in a sharp gasp. Otherwise, nothing.
“Cut me to shit, arms and legs, belly, face. Nothin’ life-threatening, but a lot of bleeding.” I let out a breath, remembering the pain. The light from the cabin, glass crunching under me. “He went through the door, came over to me. Spat on me. And then he…” I shake my head. “Kicked the hell out of me. Broke my ribs, shit, I don’t even remember what all. It’s all a blur.”
