“Correct.”
“And you did so under the impression that you’re not sexy, give bad blowjobs, and suck at sex.”
I shrug. “More or less, I suppose, yes.”
“And yet you still went after me?”
“You make me feel…” I close my eyes. “Different. You look at me and you touch me and you kiss me like…as if you like it. As if you likeme. You make me feel pretty again.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, all the things I’ve been refusing to let myself feel all this time surging out of me unbidden—things I wasn’t even aware I was feeling, so deep had I suppressed them.
“Myka, Jesus.”
“When you…when you touched me, when you made me…” I still have to whisper it, because lifelong conditioning against cursing, crass language, and openly discussing sex dies hard. “When you made me orgasm, that was the first one I’ve ever felt that I didn’t give myself.”
He freezes solid, except the pulsing of his jaw—his tell that he’s pissed. “Are you for fuckin’ real right now?”
“Yes.”
“Henevermade you come?”
“No. He never tried.”
“The only time youevergot off was if you did it to yourself.Ever?”
“Yes,” I whisper again.
“No wonder you’re so primed for me.” He shakes his head, growling. “That piece of shit is no man, Myka. No kinda man at fuckingall.” He pierces me with a look. “Problem was him. Always him. Never you.”
“You’re helping me understand that, Rev.” I close my eyes, force them open on a shuddery inhale. “That’s why I…why I want you the way I do, why I keep coming back no matter what you tell me. Because I…I crave how you make me feel.”
“Startin’ to get that, now.” He crawls onto the bed toward me, muscles rippling, moving with pantherish grace. “I was selfish, earlier.”
“Rev, I—”
He hovers over me. Palms my cheek, and then drags his touch down to my breast, cupping it, cradling it. “Won’t happen again.”
I grab his wrist with one hand, scrape my hand over his hair. “Don’t say that,” I whisper.
He frowns. “Shoulda taken care of you. All I was thinkin’ was how bad I wanted this mouth,” he mutters, thumbing my lower lip. “Wanted it, took it, and only got you off once, first. Won’t happen again, promise.”
“I liked it,” I blurt. “Every part of it.”
“You were scared out of your fuckin’ brain.”
“Yes.”
“Why’d you let me take your mouth, then, if you were so scared, if you had that shit going on?”
“Because I…” I shrug, shake my head. “I refuse to let Darren win. I refuse to let him hurt me anymore than he already has. Because I like you. I like the way you make me feel. And I didn’t want to let you down. I wanted to give you what you want because in the two times we’ve been together, you’ve made me feel better than I even knew was possible. So I wanted to try again. Even though I was terrified I’d do it wrong. That you wouldn’t like it.” I pause. “That’s why I freaked out.”
“Got some big ol’ brass ones on you, Myka…”
I frown, laugh. “What?”
“Balls. Big ol’ brass balls. Meanin’, brave as hell. After the way that fucktard piece of dog shit made you feel, you still had the guts to give me what I wanted. Took some serious balls.”
“Figuratively speaking,” I say, smirking.
