I cackle. "If you could never do that with your eyebrow again, that'd be great."
"Oh, shut up," she teases. "My point is, I was scared to trust Bear. And I know, he's scary at first, and that includes in bed." She leans close, lowering her voice. "The answer to the question everyone always asks me is yes. He's…" she trails off with a shy but sly grin.
"Big everywhere?"
She nods. "Yes. Big, and…not always gentle, but in the best way possible." She covers her face with both hands. "I don’t talk about this stuff with others much."
"You don't have to if you're uncomfortable."
"It's fine. I don't, like, gossip, you know? Like talk about our sex life just for giggles with the girls. It's private, and, honestly sacred to me. But this conversation with you, it's different. It's not just for fun."
"No, I guess it's not."
"Bear made it okay for me to not just enjoy sex but to feel confident in expressing my desires. I can be exactly and fully myself with him. I mean, look, we're not into anything weird or kinky. But he makes me feel safe being…a little wild, I guess. It's a part of myself that I can only show him, and it's…" She shrugs, sighs. "It's a vitally important part of our relationship. For the seriously hot sex, yes, but more importantly because of the freedom in it. I can open up the deepest, most uninhibited parts of myself and not be judged. He returns it—he accepts it, loves me for it all the more, and gives it back to me just as passionately and openly."
I swallow hard. "That sounds beautiful, Noelle. Really and truly."
She stops and leans on the concrete railing and gazes down at the rushing river. "It is. And that's what I mean, Ember." She looks at me. "It takes total trust and commitment to open up like that with someone. But if you can, and if he opens up to you like that in return, it's a thousand percent worth it. Because it's…it's a connection of your soulsthroughyour bodies."
This makes the tears drip down my cheeks. "I want that. But I'm…I feel guilty. Because I loved Dutchie—I still do, in a lot of ways. And it's just hard to accept that my sexual relationship with Felix might be…better, in some ways. More fulfilling. It hurts. It feels like a betrayal of my love for Dutchie, and I don't know how to reconcile that, or…or get past it." I let out a ragged groan, slapping at my cheeks. "UGH!So—sick—of crying! And I know I shouldn't feel that way. Dutchie—his last words to me were to extract a promise from me that I'd move on and fall in love again. I'm just…I'mstuck. I've been stuck since I met Felix and felt an attraction to him that immediately eclipsed anything I've ever felt in my life."
Noelle leans a shoulder against mine and rests her head on my shoulder. "There's no good or easy answer to that, I don't think."
"No, I don't think there is," I whisper. "So what do I do?"
"I think what I said back at The Alt is still my best advice, assuming you're asking for advice."
"I am," I confirm.
"I'm not sure there's any way past that hangup except through. You know, mentally, that letting yourself be with Felix, letting yourself fall in love with him—youknowintellectually that it's not a betrayal. If anything, it's you keeping your promise to Dutchie. But it's…I dunno. I think it's just gonna hurt a bit at first. Sometimes in life the only way out is through. I don't mean just sleep with him and get it over with, just…"
I laugh even as I sob a little. "But you kinda are saying that."
"I don't mean just get it over with. I mean…" She throws her hands up. "Maybe I don’t knowwhatI mean. I guess I just mean you might just have to face that feeling head-on. It's not going to just go away suddenly. If you care about Felix and if you want to have a relationship with him, you're gonna have to face that feeling and deal with it."
"I kinda hate you a little for being right."
"Sorry?" She says, wincing while making it a question.
I can't help but laugh. "No, youareright. I guess I'm just scared. I have to give myself permission to move on, and I have to give myself permission to feel what I feel and then be brave enough to actually feel it without running away."
"I do think there's one factor you're maybe not taking into consideration that may change how the whole thing ends up working out for you," she says.
I frown. "What's that?"
"You won't be facing it alone. That's the whole point. You're not really taking Felix into consideration."
I don't know why, but this stuns me. "Oh. Holy shit, you're right." I rub my face with both hands. "God, I'm a bitch."
Noelle rears back, glaring at me in total confusion. "What? I think you must have misunderstood me."
I blink at her. "I'm only thinking about myself. I'm not thinking about him—about how he feels in all this."
Noelle shakes her head, turning to face me and grabbing both of my hands. "No, no, no, Ember. That's notat allwhat I mean. While there may be some truth to that—and that's not for me to say—that's not at all what I meant."
"Okay, then whatdidyou mean?"
"That you’re not factoring in Felix's understanding and support. You won't be going through any of it alone, in a vacuum. He'll be there with you every step of the way, if you let him. I don't know Felix super well—we're close in age but ran in totally different social circles and I went to the private Christian school connected to the church I grew up in. But Idoknow that he and Bear are pretty close, and Bear thinks a lot of him. And Bear doesn’t think much of most people."
