Bear has been distracted the last few days. When I ask him about it, he shrugs it off, saying it's nothing. Despite this continual brush-off of my concerns, he's taken to insisting Panzer go to work with me.
Fortunately, the salon has a big office where he can sleep out of the way. Otherwise, I’d be worried he’d scare my clients. As it is, Kelly, the owner, isn’t hot on the new arrangement, not being a dog person.
But when I again ask Bear what's going on, he just shrugs, shakes his head, and refuses to answer.
I suspect it's something to do with Duane.
And, honestly, I'm glad to have my big, furry friend—there's construction happening in the lot where we all usually park, meaning we now have to park down the street in a narrow, dingy alley; the usual lot is being turned into a parking garage, which is going to be nice when it's done but means several months of parking in a seedy, poorly lit alley. With summer in full swing, it's still light out even on the nights I work late, but I don’t like the alley, and I don't like walking there alone at night. With Panzer at my side, however, I feel perfectly safe.
Two weeks pass like this—Bear broody and closed off and worried, me taking Panzer to work. I figure I'll give Bear another week to sort his issue out, and then I’m calling a sit-down. I want my sweet, cuddly, smiling Bear back. I don’t like this brooding, terse version very much.
Maybe it's time to move things to the next level. I've been thinking about it. It's been good for me to have this time to get used to my own renewed sex drive. I want him all the time, but I don't want sex to be the only thing connecting us. We talk a lot, and he's been sharing a new dream he has—he wants to help Felix build houses. He’s worried about Riley's reaction, of course, but the shifts he's spent over the last few weeks on Felix's crew have given him the builder bug. He enjoys creating, he's discovering.
I've been encouraging him to pursue this; not that demo isn't a worthy endeavor, but Bear has so much more to offer the world than merely destroying things just because he’s so big and powerful. He's starting to see this in himself, finally. He's starting to reach for more, to believe in himself, to look for more of life beyond the narrow scope of what he's known up till now.
I'm immensely proud of him.
Yes, I decide, as Panzer and I reach the alley lot where I'm parked, it's time to let myself fully invest in Bear, and in our relationship. I've been afraid, I'm realizing. Holding back.
I love him, but I'm afraid to let myself love him fully. I'm afraid of being let down. Having my heart broken again.
Even though I know, mentally, that Bear would never betray me, not in a thousand years, not for anything, my heart still clings to the fear of brokenness my ex-husband’s betrayal seeded in me.
Panzer growls, breaking my train of thought.
I stop a few feet from my car and look around: the rear of the Main Street buildings are on my left, an unbroken line oftwo-story structures fused together stretching from intersection to intersection, with the backs of the First Street businesses on my right. First Street runs parallel to Main, with the alley sandwiched between them. The First Street businesses are more separated than the ones on Main, broken up by employee and public parking lots and businesses with their own dedicated parking areas.
The lot my car is in is tiny, wedged between a bank on one side and a three-story office building on the other, housing lawyers, accountants, and financial planners. Both the bank and the office building feature rear entrances and a few alley-side parking slots. Dumpsters, piles of pallets, and the discarded odds and ends of the various businesses line the backs of the buildings on both sides, and despite the dying golden light of dusk on Main Street, back here, it’s dim, shadowy, and cool.
My skin crawls as Panzer growls, pressing his big, solid body against my thigh—his growl vibrates against me.
"I know, buddy," I mutter. "I don't like it here either." I reach my car and blip the locks, open the rear driver's side door for Panzer. "Komm rein," I command, and he leaps up into the car.
I close the door after him and grab the handle of my door, but my phone rings, so I hesitate, digging the device out of my purse and answering it, hand still on the door. "Hello?"
Panzer starts barking wildly, paws scrabbling on the window.
"No-No," comes Mom's voice. "Hi, baby. What're you up to?"
Puzzled and worried at Panzer's uncharacteristic behavior, I wedge the phone between ear and shoulder. "Hang on, Mom. One sec. Panzer is going nuts."
I reach for the handle of the rear door, intending to open it and calm him down.
That's as far as I get.
A cold, clammy, viciously strong hand claps around my mouth, cutting off my scream. I'm yanked backward, off balance.nasty, hot, sour, alcohol-stained breath huffs on my face. "Finally got you away from that fuckin' dog and that big fat stupid fuckin' oaf," an icy, evil, rage-filled voice grates in my ear. "Time to teach your snotty, uppity little ass a nice long lesson inrespect."
Duane.
Panic smashes through me—I struggle and kick, screaming into the gritty, cold, strong hand clamped down on my mouth and jaw. I'm thrown to the ground, the back of my head cracking against the concrete; stars of white light burst behind my eyes, dizziness washing over me.
"Now, now, none of that." A wicked slap rocks my head to the side, pain searing through my cheek. "That was a warning. Don't wanna have to ruin this pretty little face." Something sharp and cold trails down my cheek.
"Bear…" I whimper. "Don’t. Please. Don't."
Panzer is going apeshit, barking and snarling, smashing into the window and door, rocking the whole car so its shocks squeal and protest at the mad force of his attempts to get to me.
"Think your big dumb boyfriend is gonna magically appear and save you?" The knife tip slides under my shirt at my belly and slices upward, cutting open my shirt and severing the front of my bra; he flicks the garments aside, exposing my chest; I squeeze my eyes shut, not breathing, not moving as the knife tip pricks the underside of my chin. "Got him taken care of. Permanently."
