"I know," I interrupt. “I’m not saying let’s do it on the floor right here right now."
Bear looks around, frowning. “That wouldn’t be very much fun, I don't think."
I laugh. "No, definitely not." I rest my hands up on his shoulders. "What I am saying is that I want to…I want to try. Britt warned me that I might have to sort of…I don’t know, take my time, like don’t be surprised if I have a flashback or something."
Bear frowns even harder. "I don't want to do the wrong thing. Make things worse, or harder."
"She told me about that too—that you may have a hard time with it. What I’m telling you, Bear, is that Iwantto be with you." I hold his eyes, hoping he sees the truth in mine. "I want everything with you. I want to make love with you. I want to give you every last part of me. What I'm saying is that Iwill notletBrennanorDuane keep me from being with you. You'll probably have to keep being patient if things don't exactly get off to a great start—I admit I have no idea how I'll react. Right now, I feel fine." I let my hands trail down his chest, tracing his pecs and each of his abs. "I feel…I’m crazy attracted to you. I want to kiss you. I want you to touch me. I don't know how far I'll be able to go, but I want to try."
Bear reaches for me but stops short of touching me since his hands are covered in dried mud. "Then we take this at your pace. I'll follow your lead."
I nod. "Thank you." I lick my lips, looking up at him as the butterflies in my stomach do flips and loops. "And one day, hopefully very soon, I'm going to wantyouto take the lead."
"Me?"
I nod. "Yes, you. I mean, we'll need to see how I react first and take things one step at a time, but yeah. I want you to show me how you feel. Show me you want me."
"You may have to help me understand what that looks like. I've always tried to be very careful and respectful of you."
My heart melts a little. "And you absolutely have been, to a degree that honestly stuns me. It's part of how I…” I swallow hard, choking on the words; this isn't the time, place, or circumstances I'd imagined saying them to him, but I can't not. "How I fell in love with you."
Bear rocks backward on his heels, shock registering on his face, in his body language. "Noelle—"
I cover his mouth. "You don't have to say anything, Bear. I've known it's true for a while, I just…I was scared to admit it to myself, much less out loud to you. But I can't avoid the truth of it, and you deserve to know." He tries to speak again, but I shake my head and press harder on his mouth. "I don'twantyou to say it back right now, Bear. I want you to just take it in, and know that it's true. I'm in love with you. And if you feel the same way,find your own time to say it. Okay? Does that—-does it make any sense?"
"Yes,” he whispers, sounding shaken. "You….youloveme?" Tears shine in his eyes, and my heart somehow manages to shatter, expand a thousandfold, and heal all at once.
My eyes sting, and my own tears fall. "Yes, Bear. So damn much it terrifies me."
He bends at the knees, and his hands scoop under my butt, lifting me. I latch my legs around his waist and cling to his neck. His face buries in my throat, and I feel his hot wet tears on my skin. His huge shoulders shake.
"Bear…" I whisper.
"Good tears," he growls, burrowing against me.
“Okay," I whisper, caressing his head and cradling his face against my chest. "Okay, honey. Let it out."
It's not a long cry, but it's an intense one. His shoulders shake raggedly, and he doesn't utter a sound. His hands grip my hips with bruising force—I let him bruise me and hold him all the tighter.
After a few minutes, he sighs, a deep gusting exhale. "Sorry—I'm sorry."
I pull away and grab his face, making him look at me—he tries to hide his wet cheeks, but I refuse to let him. "Hey, no, no, no. No hiding and no apologizing." I hunch lower to hold his wavering, uncertain gaze. "Thank you for giving that to me, Bear. It's beautiful. It meanseverythingto me that you felt safe enough to let me have that."
He swallows hard, holding my butt with one hand while wiping at his face with the other. "I just…" a shake of his head.
I wipe at his eyes for him, and then kiss under his cheeks, tasting salt. "Tell me. Please."
He buries his head in my neck again, shuddering another huge sigh. “It's a lot."
“That's okay. I can handle it. I want to hear it."
"No one's ever told me that they love me," he says in a small whisper. "I never really expected to hear it. I mean, I know you care about me, but…love? Part of me just…I've always felt…" A ragged exhale between pursed lips. "Unlovable."
My heart breaks for him all over again, and my love for him rushes into the cracks, sweeps up the shards, and builds something new, something beautiful. Something magical.
"You're not unlovable, Bear Olafsson," I tell him, cupping his face and holding his gaze, thumbs brushing under his eyes. "You're so far from it. Iloveyou." I touch my forehead to his. "I love you. Hear me?"
"I hear you," he murmurs.
