"I'd cut my dick off first."
"No, I'd cut your dick off, first," I heard Mom say in the background.
"Am I on speaker?" I asked.
"No, she just knows what we're talking about." He sighed. “Listen, Sweet-Pea. You don't know. Not for a hundred percent sure. Not about anything, ever. The only absolute in this life is that there are no absolutes. I knew I was in love with your mom. But did I know for sure she was the only woman I'd ever love, that we were meant to be together until we're old and gray? No! I was twenty-two, she was gorgeous, smart, and seemed to like me. I know how this is gonna sound, but when we first got together, I felt like she was out of my league and the whole thing was a big mistake she'd figure out at some point and dump me when she came to her senses. So I tried as hard as I could to convince her I was this great guy and she should stick with me. But really, I just knew I'd never, ever find anyone better than her."
I heard a rustle, and then Mom's voice came across the line. "Rune, honey. I don't know what happened in Alaska, but it's obvious it's got you thinking hard. Maybe it was seeing Hayes, maybe there was another guy. You don't have to tell me. What your dad means is that love is always a risk. You won't know, not for sure, if you're making the right choice. Even after your dad and I got married, I wasn't sure we'd make it. We had some really ugly fights early on. Marriage is hard, honey. But I love him, and I'm committed to him. I made that choice and I keep making it every day. That's all love is—choosing someone every day, even when it doesn't always make sense and even when you sometimes want to strangle him in his sleep."
"Mom!"
"That will make sense someday, honey. Trust me."
"So you guys' big advice is…there's no way to know, and I might want to strangle the man I love in his sleep, but that's normal?"
Dad cackled. "You're oversimplifying what we're saying, Rune."
"What's his name?" Mom asked.
"Nice try," I mumbled. "There isn't anyone. I was just asking because I can't figure out how I could have been so wrong about Hayes."
"Can't help you with that one, honey," Mom said. "Hayes was a gumpy twat."
"Mom!"
"I never saw it either, is all I'm saying."
"You never said anything!"
"To what end?" she said. "Like you would have listened? I never got the sense that Hayes was bad, just not worth your time or attention. But I knew you had to see it yourself. Nothing we said would make a difference. I don't mean this as a dig at you, honey, but it's just a fact of life that you can't tell a twenty-something kid anything, especially not about the person they're dating."
I had to literally bite down on my tongue to keep myself from saying "I'm not a kid," because nothing says that you are in fact a kid like insisting you're not.
"Got it," I said, eventually, because I had to say something.
Mom just sighed. "Honey, when you're ready to talk about it, let me know. I'll do my best to listen, not judge, and give the best advice I have, even if it's not what you want to hear. But I know you have to come to these things on your own—it took you almost a month before you called us and told us what happened with Hayes and why you left town so abruptly with no immediate plans to return."
"I had to process it on my own," I said. "Plus, I had to stop being so mad. If I'd have told you guys about it right away, I wouldn't have had the self-control to not let Dad wring his neck."
I heard Dad laugh in the background. "Smart girl. Took a hell of a lot of self-control to not wring his neck at Costco as it was.”
Mom sighed. "Sweetie, we get it. Just know that we're here for you, always. We love you, and we support you. And I know we're your parents, but we're also humans who have been through a lot of stuff."
"I know. I love you guys, too. I think I just need time to sort through things before I can really talk about it."
"And you don’t have to talk about it with us, honey, just know that you can,” Mom said. "Okay, we've kept you on the phone long enough. I’m sure you’re tired. Just come see us soon, okay?"
“This week, I promise," I said.
I hung up, plugged my phone in, ran a bath, and spent the next two hours soaking, watching mindless reality TV, and definitely not thinking about Duncan.
Lies. I totally spent the whole time thinking about Duncan.
Unfortunately, the only conclusion I came to by the time I was pruny and ready to get out was that feelings were stupid, I should never have let Lindsey talk me into the whole stupid ‘fake date to the wedding’ plan, and I was terribly, terribly confused about pretty much everything.
Also, I think I missed Duncan. Which was stupid.
I desperately wanted another round…or two or three or ten…in bed with him, which was not stupid. Just problematic. Impossible. Not happening. Never, never, never.
