"And you're ruined?"
"Totally and completely."
"That good?"
“Better," I whispered. "He fucking destroyed me."
Lindsey clapped a hand over her mouth. "Girl! Spill!"
So I spilled. And with each new detail, her eyes got wider and wider. "Rune, boo-boo, you are in major trouble."
"I know!" I shrieked, and then clapped a hand over my own mouth to quiet myself. "I know. It's bad, Linz. Bad, bad, bad."
She frowned at me. "I mean, just playing Devil's Advocate, here, but…what if you didn't go back?"
My entire being revolted. "How can you even ask me that, Lindsey? Of course, I have to go back. My whole life is there."
"Yeah, but…is it?" She held out her hands. "You're done with school. You don't have a job yet. You're not with anyone, obviously. If there was ever a time to reconsider your future, this would be it, babe. I mean, can't you even let yourself consider it? Just, like, ask yourself what if?"
Panic at the very thought had me shooting to my feet and shaking my head. "No, I can't. Not him. Not now. Not Alaska."
"But why?"
"I don't know!" I shouted. "Sorry. I just…I don't know, Linz. I'm freaking out."
"Clearly. You just had the best sex of your life, and you sneak out to my room to have some sort of existential crisis? The man fucked you into another dimension, Rune. If it were me, I'd be climbing that boy's dick like a tree and I'd never get down, if it was as good as you say it was."
"It was better."
"So what are you doing here?"
"FREAKING OUT! It wasn't supposed to be that good! It was supposed to be casual!"
She snorted. "If you thought for a single second you were capable of casual sex, you're delulu, sweetie. You have never had casual sex in your life. You do this—or a version of this—every time you try. You get some kind of a feeling and you freak the fuck out, and then a few weeks later, you find some tool to date so you can have your so-called guilt-free sex. This is the worst episode yet, by far, though."
"What's wrong with me, Linz?" I asked. "Why can't I just hook up with a dude like a normal person and not develop stupid fucking feelings every time? I just…I had to get my mojo back. Seeing Hayes, it…"
She sighed, patted my cheek. "Rune, my darling, you're nuts. I love you to bits, you know I do, but you're not being self-aware. This isn’t about your mojo. This isn't even about Hayes. It's about that boy asleep in your bed, he of the magical dick."
"What do I do?"
She shrugged. "You only have so many options. One, just go with it. Fuck his brains out while you can and then go home and try to move on. Or, don't. Try to hold out. Don’t have sex with him again, and go home and try to move on. Or, stay here with me. We can share a bed. Wouldn't be the first time, obviously. Or, fuck his brains out, and just…don't stop. See where it leads. Be brave."
I shook my head. "If I'm in that room with him, I'm gonna fuck him again. There's no question."
"You want to," she guessed.
I nodded. "I have to know if it was a fluke. Like, just built-up tension, you know?"
“It wasn’t, I promise you, but go on."
"Linz, you don't know that."
"I'm pretty sure. Sex that good doesn’t just happen. And girl, you're still high from it."
I showed her my hand, which was trembling. "What do I do?"
She shook her head. “You're not gonna listen to me."
