“I’m sorry, I’m sorry—” I hold up my hands, stopping Mary’s explanations. “I just... I need some time. Can I... I need to think about this. I need to talk to—”
“Of course, of course.” Mary stacks the pamphlets, adds a few more on adoption and parenting, and stands up, hands them all to me, a thick stack of pamphlets explaining all of the various options for what to do now that I know I’m pregnant.
I’m pregnant.
I’m pregnant.
I feel faint. Dizzy. I have to sit down, put my head in my hands and breathe.
“Are you all right, Isabel?”
I force myself to my feet. Breathe. Breathe. The dizziness clears. I push it all aside, shove it back down. Can’t think about it yet. Not until I’m home and alone. And sitting down.
“Yes. I’m fine. I just . . .”
“It can be scary and overwhelming, I know. But you have options. We’re here to help, Isabel. If you need to discuss your options with someone besides your partner, come back here. I’m here to help you understand your options and I will help you choose the best thing for you. Okay?”
“Yes, I—thank you, Mary. I have to—I have to go.” I put all the pamphlets in the envelope with everything else.
I don’t remember walking home.
Logan is waiting for me, sitting on the couch, cell phone in hand. When I walk in, he jumps up, strides over to me. Quick, jerky, angry strides.
“Where the hell have you been, Isabel? I was worried sick.”
“I had... I...” What do I say? “Caleb sent me some information. My birth certificate. Social security card. Naturalization certificate. So I went to the DMV to get my ID.”
He grabs me by the shoulders, holds me. Stares into my eyes. “Goddammit, Isabel. You should have waited. I would have gone with you.” He blinks a few times. “Why would he send you that stuff?”
I shrug. “I don’t know.” I pull away. Turn away. “I’m sorry I worried you, Logan. I just—I had to do it alone. It was important that I did this myself.”
He sighs, behind me. “I get it. I was just... you weren’t here, no note, nothing. I came home early to take you for lunch, and you were gone. I thought—” His teeth click together, he cuts off so abruptly.
“You thought I’d left you.”
“The thought crossed my mind, yes.”
I turn back to him. “I wouldn’t, Logan. I would never just vanish like that.”
“I know. I just—you were just gone, and my mind started going in circles. I thought maybe Caleb had shown up again, snatched you.”
“I’m sorry.”
He crosses to me. Wraps his arms around me. “It’s fine, Is. You’re here. I’m fine. It’s fine.”
I shake my head. That’s not what I meant. “I’m sorry, Logan. I’m sorry, I—I’m so sorry.” I’m crying.
He holds me at arm’s length, ducking to try to catch my gaze. I shake my head and lean into him. “Hey, hey. What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry—” It’s all I can say. I’m hysterical, hyperventilating.
“Isabel. Calm down. Breathe, okay? Breathe for me. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Just breathe.”
I breathe. Push down the panic.
Yank myself out of Logan’s arms, pace away, the couch, stop. Grip the back of the couch for support. Turn and look at Logan through tear-blurred eyes.
“I went one other place, too.” I toss the DHL envelope on the couch cushions. Breathe, breathe, breathe. “A clinic.”
