“You are.”
“Did you not just…” I trail off and try again. “Did you miss what just happened?”
“No, I didn’t.”
She slinks down, draping her body on mine, resting her chin on my chest and gazing up at me with an expression so pure, so clear, so tender that it guts me to pieces yet again. I have to close my eyes for a moment, but then I force them back open and let myself sink into the warm acceptance of her silver eyes.
“What you just did wasn’t weak, Silas. It wasstrong.” Her gaze is unwavering—the strength of it is in the unrelenting tenderness. “You cried. And guess what? That’sokay.”
“I—"
She touches my lips to silence me. “Sssh. I’m not done.” She smiles, taking the reproach out of her words. “Your father was wrong. Real mendocry. I grew up around big, macho, gun-toting wannabe soldiers. They beat their wives, beat their kids. Just like your father, they raised their boys to think real men don’t feel anything but tough and macho all the time. Don’t feel. Don’t be a whole person. I watched it, I saw it in my own brother. Papa beat the feelings out of Zeke, as much as he beat the rebellion out of me.
“Well, you want to know something, Silas? I don’t accept that. You rescued me from that life. Yes, I took the first step. I escaped. And I’m proud of myself for that. But you—you rescued me. Not just from that life—because you and I both know I wouldn’t have made it an hour without you. You rescued me from who I was. It’s only been a few days, but I’m…I’m figuring out who I want to be. Becauseyouare giving me the space and the strength and the freedom to do so.”
“Naomi, I’m just—”
“Don’t, Silas. That’s exactly what you’re doing. You’ve woken me up. I was…the woman I could be, the woman Iwantto be, she was hibernating. Hidden. I couldn’t be her until I was free, but she wasn’t dead. She was there, down deep inside me. She just needed you to wake her up. Well? She’s awake now. You did that, Silas.You.”
“Naomi, Jesus. Don’t give me too much credit. I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Sure you do. But that’s not the point. When I cried, did that make me weak?”
“No.”
“Okay, then.”
I laugh, despite myself. “Yeah, but—”
“But I’m a woman? Tears are for girls, right?”
That hits me, hard. That’s exactly what was going through my head.
“Whose voice is it telling you that, Silas? Yours? Or his?”
“His,” I whisper.
“Right. His voice is aliar. He’s dead, Silas. He’s gone. He’s gone, and that voice is a liar.”
“He’s gone, and he’s a liar,” I echo.
She kisses beneath my eyes again. “You’re not weak. And in case it needs to be said in so many words, Silas, I don’t think less of you as a man because you cried. I thinkmoreof you. And I’m so incredibly thankful you chose to trust me with it, and I’m proud I was able to be here for you through it.”
“Fuck, honey. You’re too damn pure for this world.”
She rests her cheek on me. “I’m cold.”
I kick the blankets out from underneath us and then haul them up over us, wrapping my arms around her and clutching her close.
“Thank you, Naomi.”
In answer, she kisses my chest, three times in the same spot.
I was exhausted before—I’m borderline delirious, now. I let myself succumb. Her breathing slows, and I hover at the edge of sleep until I’m sure she’s asleep first.
For the first time in my life, I feel…light. Like there was a thousand-pound bowling ball stuck in the pit of my soul, dragging at me.
And now, it’s just…gone.
