I want our date.
Most of all, I want what I know awaits us at the end of that date.
Mom can sense my turmoil, and corners me in the kitchen while Dad and Wes finish grilling and Macy and Beth change out of their swimsuits, and Grandma catnaps in the guest bedroom.
“You want us to leave, don’t you?” Mom asks.
I shrug. “I missed you guys, and I love you, and I’m really glad I got to see you all.” I hesitate. “And I’m also glad you got to see how Wes and I are together.”
Mom’s expression is complicated. “Honestly, you guys are much more…normal, I guess, than I expected.”
I give a wry smile. “What were you expecting?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know, honestly. You’re a lot more like a normal couple, I guess, instead of two people who have barely known each other for what, two full weeks?”
“Granted I’m far from an expert on what constitutes a normal relationship, but…clearly this isn’t it, any way you slice it.” I watch through the open back end of the house as Wes and Dad throw a football while the steaks finish cooking. “It all happened so fast, and it’s so intense.Sointense, Mom. Emotionally, mentally, and yes, physically. I don’t expect you or anyone else to understand it, how something can just emerge almost…fully formed, out of nothing, instantly, like it seems this relationship has. I don’t even understand it. I just know it feels more right than anything in my life.”
I regard my mother—she’s listening, instead of trying to argue with me to see it her way, like she usually would.
“Honestly, Mom, I know you’re not going to like hearing this, but…” I let out a slow breath. “It feels like…like God or the universe or life is giving me something at the end of my life to make it all worthwhile. So I can let go and be at peace. I feel…complete. I haven’t missed out on anything, now.” I bite my lip. “Well, almost anything.”
Mom manages to somehow frown in confusion while laughing at the same time. “You mean you guys haven’t…” She arches an eyebrow. “You know. Um. Slept…together? Yet?”
“Do you really want to know the answer to that, Mom?”
She holds up her hands, palms facing me. “Not really, no. Just…are you happy, with him? Really and truly? Do youknowin your heart and soul that he’ll still be here with you no matter how hard it gets?”
I nod. “I am happy with him. Utterly and completely. More than I feel should be even possible, sometimes. The only unhappiness is wishing I had more time. The bad days when I feel like crap and everything hurts and I can’t even open my eyes…it feels like it’s stealing the short amount of time I have with him. And I get kinda angry about it. But I just focus on feeling better and making the most of every moment I have with him.”
“Are you…are you still planning on actually marrying him? Like, for real?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “We haven’t really talked about that, yet. And honestly, I’m not planning on bringing it up. I’ll leave it to him. Being actually married isn’t really super important to me. The experience, the relationship, the emotions, that’s what really matters to me. Beingmarriedis just…a ceremony. I have the important things.”
She makes a sour face. “Marriageisimportant, Jo-Jo.”
I shake my head. “I’m not saying it’s not, Mom. But it’s for normal people in normal situations. It’s…it’s meant to indicate that you’re choosing that person as your life partner.” I grab Mom’s hands. “I’m not going tohavea life, Mom. This is it.”
She shakes her head, blinking hard. “Don’t talk like that. Please.”
“You can’t still be in denial.”
She shakes her head again, a tear trickling down her cheek. “No. But…I guess I still have hope.”
“So do I,” Grandma says, entering the room. “I’ll never give up hope. I pray for you every single day. All day. I pray for you without ceasing, dearest one.” She kisses my temple, clings to me. “You’re going to be okay, Jolene. I know it. I’ve heard it. I’ve felt it.”
I blink. Because despite it all, Idowant to live. Especially now that I have Wes in my life. “Grandma…” I inhale her familiar scent, hugging her back. “If you’re right, if God answers your prayers…I’ll believe.”
She sighs. “That’s not how it works, sweetheart, but I appreciate the thought. I know this sounds cliche, but Jesus loves you, right now. I know it’s hard to understand considering all you’ve been through, and what you’re facing. I can’t say I understand God’s ways or why he allows good people to suffer and why bad people get away with bad things. I just know in my life I’ve seen too much evidence of his love for me, and his provision, and his goodness, to not believe. He believes in you, even if you don’t believe in him. And I know not everyone gets a miracle. My own good friend, Charlotte, she battled cancer for years, and she died from it. My faith wavered, and I wept bitterly for weeks. I was angry at God for it. And I prayed for her like I do for you. But God had a plan. I don’t need to know what it is or what it looks like to believe it’s good, even when I can’t see every facet, or how the good comes from the bad.”
“Grandma—”
“I know, I know. I’m preaching, and I’m sorry.”
“I guess I’m just going to need some kind of proof from him before I can be where you are.”
“I understand that, sweetheart. I do.” She kisses my temple again. “Have faith. Have hope. I feel in my spirit that you’re going to be okay.”
“I really do hope you’re right.”
