“Now that you know, you have to promise me a few things.”
“Okay?”
“You won’t tell anyone else. It has to be on my terms, and my time.”
“Of course, Lex. It’s your story to tell, not mine.”
“Thank you.”
“And the other promises?”
“Just one.”
“Yeah?”
She hesitated. “You can’t feel sorry for me. You can’t tiptoe around me, or try to baby my feelings.” She twisted. “You can’t be afraid to touch me. To have sex with me. You can’t hold back from being aggressive like you are, like I like so much. I like that. It doesn’t re-victimize me, I don’t have flashbacks.” A pause. “Well, the first time I swallowed for you, there was some of that. But it’s better now. And I think the more I do things he used to do, the more I’ll put him in the past.”
“Lex, you mean—”
She rolled to face me and touched my lips. “Ichoseto blow you, and to let you come in my mouth. I knew what I was doing, and I did it for both of us. For you, because I was being skittish and weird about other sexual stuff, and I wanted to give you something you’d like to make up for it, and for me so I could get rid of the stigma of that act. I even thought that maybe you’d stop trying to find out what had happened, stop trying to make me…do this. Which I realize now was what I needed to do more than anything. So the point is, Myles, when you came in my mouth, yes, I was fighting fucking awful flashbacks the entire time. But it wasyou, and I knew it. The next time, it was just you and me, and I enjoyed doing that to you and seeing your reactions. How much you liked it. And I’ll do it again because I like making you feel good, I like watching you go crazy.”
“Jesus, Lex. Now I feel bad.”
“Please, please don’t. The worst thing you could do is feel bad. About anything we’ve done together, or for me.”
I sighed. “Yeah, I get that.”
“What I choose to do, I do because I want to.” She rested her hands on my chest, and I tightened my hold on her. “I will have sex with you bare, Myles. I will. To erase the last of what happened.”
“Not just for me, though.”
She sighed. “Yes, for you. But for me, too. It will be…” She blinked, swallowed hard. “Because when we do that, it’ll be making love. Something I’d thought was impossible for me.”
I smiled at her. “I like the way that sounds.”
“Me too.” She let out a breath, soft and contented. “Do one thing for me, tonight, please?”
“Anything.”
“Just hold me, like this, all night.”
“Easy.”
“And maybe…” she hesitated, swallowing hard. “And maybe, at some point, you could tell me you love me. I like how that feels.” She snuggled closer, tucking her head under my chin. “Not now. Not when I expect it. But when I don’t.”
I laughed. “Funny girl.” I kissed the top of her head. “There’s nothing I’d like more, Alexandra.”
“Call me baby.”
“Right now?”
“Yeah.”
I touched her chin, kissed her lips. “Lex, baby. You are so strong. So brave. And I’m proud of and amazed at the woman you are, for all you’ve come through.”
She blinked. “Dammit, you weren’t supposed to make me cry again. I’ve cried more today than in my whole life.”
“It’s okay to cry, sweetheart. It doesn’t make you weak.”
