I close my eyes. “Jamie…”
He holds up his hands. “I’m only saying that I get it. You have a good reason for it.”
“Aiden didn’t take Daniel leaving well at all. He was just confused at first, thought Daddy would be coming back, like he was on a trip. And I had no idea if Daniel was coming back myself, so I wasn’t sure what to tell him. And then when it became clear he wasn’t coming back, I had to tell Aiden, and…” I blink hard. “He acted out for a long time. He was angry and confused, you know? He had every right to be, and all I could do was…just be everything I could for him.”
“Elyse, I—”
“And he’s just now starting to be really okay, and not just okay, but happy again. He loves football, he loves third grade, he loves spending time with his grandparents—”
“What about his father’s parents?”
I wave a hand. “They moved down to Florida years ago, before Aiden was even born. They send him birthday and Christmas gifts, but he doesn’t really know them.” I shrug. “Daniel never got along with my parents, and I never really got along with his, so there’s not really been much love lost along the way in that regard.”
“Gotcha. That’s rough, too.”
“Not really. He doesn’t know them and never did, so he doesn’t miss them, because they never factored in his life. My parents love him to pieces. I think they’re trying to love him enough to make up for him not knowing Daniel’s parents.” I smile, then. “And they succeed, I’m pretty sure.”
“Well, they raised you, so I can imagine how amazing they must be.” His smile is so warm it threatens to melt me into a puddle.
I blush so hard my cheeks are hot. “Jamie, come on.”
He lifts an eyebrow. “What? I’m not going to stop thinking you’re an amazing person just because…” he trails off.
I frown. “What?” I ask. “Just because what?”
He shakes his head. “I like you, Elyse. I admire you as a mother, I’m attracted to you as a woman, and I just flat out like who you are as a person. I would like to spend more time with you. It can be casual, and it can be whatever you want it to be or not be. I truly get where you’re coming from, why you’re resistant to starting anything. I’m not going to lie—I’d really love an opportunity to explore us being something more than friends, but if all we can be is friends, I’ll take that too.”
My heart flips. “Dammit, Jamie.” I’m blinking hard. “It’s not that simple.”
“Why not?” He leans forward, into my personal space. “I’m not asking for anything but a chance to just…talk, sometimes. Spend a little time together now and then, even as just friends. What’s complicated about that?”
“Because I like you too, Jamie. But…you know Aiden pretty well by now—you know as well as I do that if you and I started seeing more of each other, he’d sniff it out in a heartbeat.”
“And you wouldn’t want him to know?”
“Just because there’s never been anyone but Daniel, and I don’t know how he’d take it.” I hesitate. “And he’s already attached enough to you as it is.”
He smiles. “Heck, I’m attached to him, too. As a principal and coach I’m not supposed to have favorites, but I admit I’m a little partial to Aiden, and not just because he’s your son.”
My heart is pounding. I want…I don’t know. So many conflicting things.
But I keep seeing Aiden’s face when I told him his father wasn’t coming back. I keep hearing him crying at night because he thought he’d done something wrong. I keep…I keep seeing my hand, holding a blue ballpoint pen, scribbling my name on a document that made it legally clear Daniel didn’t want anything to do with me or Aiden ever again. I keep seeing Aiden holding an envelope with his name on it—no return address—and pulling out the cliché robot birthday card with the twenty-dollar bill in it, and a single scrawled sentence:
Happy birthday Aiden.
—Dan
Aiden had staredat the card, flipped the cover over to look at the front again. “I’ve never been into robots. And what am I supposed to do with this?” He had handed me the money, threw the card in the trash, and went outside to play basketball with the neighbors. When I asked him about it, he said he didn’t really care, and asked if we could get ice cream. That flat, expressionless look he’d given me when he handed me the money had been heartbreaking.
How could I bring anyone else into his life?
If he got attached to Jamie, started to develop a deeper relationship with him—love him, in something like a father-son sort of way, and then Jamie and I ended up not working out…
His stability was still…fragile. Aiden would never recover from that.
And neither would I.
I already suffered enough Mom guilt for everything Aiden has been through—neither of us can handle putting Aiden through any more heartache.
