“Why did you hide them in the first place?”
“It would’ve caused issues,” I say. “It’d have made him feel…emasculated. He wouldn’t have understood. And we were having enough issues as it was. I just wanted some kind of status quo, some kind of peace. But things just got progressively worse between us, and the crappy sex we did have started tapering off. And then I got pregnant and it became even less frequent, like not even once a week. And then I had a late-term miscarriage, and it just messed us both up. I went into this horrible depression and stopped trying. Like, totally. The only thing that kept me going at all was Aiden needing me. I gained weight, quit taking care of myself, and I ate crap, didn’t exercise, even hygiene was a struggle, I was so depressed.”
Jamie frowns. “Damn, Elyse. That sounds awful.”
“It was utter hell. Daniel was clueless. He was upset himself over the miscarriage—I was supposed to have a little girl, which was something he’d said he wanted. He retreated emotionally and physically from me, and from Aiden. Eventually he just left, and ironically, once he was gone I started to get over it. Aiden needed me more than ever, and I knew I had to get better for him. So, I did. Slowly, but I got there. Mostly.” I laugh. “Cora would say I’m not totally over it still, though.”
Jamie’s eyes search me. “I’d say I would agree with her.”
I frown. “Really?”
He nods. “You don’t trust me. You don’t trust yourself. You’re not willing to let yourself have something you know would be good, because you’re still hurt and scared of being hurt.”
“I just don’t want—”
He interrupts me. “Aiden to get attached. I know—you’ve told me a million times. But he’s already attached to me. And I’m attached to him.” He slides off the bed and paces away, a hand raking through his hair. “I’m attached to him, Elyse. I care about him more than I should as a principal and coach. I…” He sighs heavily. “I love that kid.”
I choke. “Jamie…”
He whirls, eyes blazing. “I can’t pretend anymore, Elyse. Iwon’t.” His jaw clenches, tightens, and his chest expands as he sucks in a breath. Paces back to stand in front of me, where I sit cross-legged on the bed. He takes my knees and spins me so I’m facing the side of the bed, touches my chin so I’m looking up at him. “I won’t pretend anymore that I’m not in love with you.”
I shake my head. “Jamie, you’re just saying that because—”
“No,” he snaps, more short-tempered than I’ve ever seen him, than I thought he was even capable of being. “No, I’m not just saying that because you’re pregnant with my child. I’m saying it because it’s true, and it was true before we found out. I’ve been hiding it and pretending it’s not true, but it is. I think I fell in love with you the first day we met.”
I swallow hard. “Jamie—”
“I’m not done. I’ve held this in formonths, and I’m not doing it anymore. I’m sorry if you’re not ready, but I can’t and won’t keep shoving it down. I don’t know what’s going to happen, now. I don’t know how you feel. I know you may not be able, ready, or willing to get into anything with me. If not—I won’t say it’s fine, because I think it’d be bullshit, but I’d understand as well as I can, and I’d survive it.”
“Jamie, I—”
“No, not yet. You can say what you want—or not say anything, if that’s where you are —once I’m done.” He cups my face in his strong, warm hands. His eyes blaze and gleam, hot and deeply brown and intense. “I am in love with you, Elyse Thomas. Iwantyou. The one night we had wasn’t anywhere near enough. It felt like a dream, and I want more. I want to be with you with both of us totally sober. In the daylight. Eyes open. I want to know what it can really be like with a woman who’s in touch with her body and with her sexuality, the way you are. I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to be smart or responsible or sensible. I want to give in to being…wild. I want—I want to know you want me, that you need me the way I need you.” He indicates the bottom drawer of my nightstand. “I want to play with those,withyou. I want to explore things, try things,with you. I want to love you. I want to love Aiden. I want to be a dad to him.” He pauses, swallowing hard. “I…my ex and I—the one thing she wanted, and I think the only reason she kept having sex with me at all was because she wanted a baby. But she couldn’t conceive. We were talking about getting tested to see which of us was sterile or whatever, but then this whole thing with my job started happening and that conversation got shelved because we were having so many other issues. But I—I wanted a baby. I wanted—I…I desperately wanted to be a father. I think us not being able to conceive created as many problems as her lack of sexuality, if not more. I don’t know. I just know that…”
He turns away, tilting his head back, blinking hard, breathing hoarsely. “I won’t be stepping aside, Elyse. Even if you don’t want a relationship with me, I’m going to be here for that child.” He turns back, and his eyes shine, shimmer. Meet mine. “For you. Like it or not.”
I can’t breathe. I’m crying. Shaking all over. “Jamie.”
He holds his arms out to the side, palms up in a broad, helpless shrug. “That’s it. I’m done.” He lets out a sad sigh. “Your turn.”
I’d speak, but I can’t. I’m crying too hard.
Sobbing. Broken, shattered, utterly.
Breathless, snot-streaming, can’t-see, ugly crying.
Jamie watches for a moment, and then comes to sit on the bed beside me. His arms go around me, wrap me up.
He holds me as I weep—for my past, for the miscarriage, for my divorce, for my awful marriage, for my son, for the long lonely years of being a single mother, for my pent-up sexuality, for my broken heart, for my fears that I can’t shake, for Jamie and all he went through…I’m crying for so many things, and it’s a cry that won’t stop.
And he just holds me through it. Doesn’t shush me. Doesn’t tell me it’s going be okay. Doesn’t try to fix it. Just holds me, stroking my hair away from my eyes. I snatch a Kleenex from the nightstand and he takes it when I’m done without a hint of disgust, and offers me another.
How long I cry, I don’t even know.
Slowly, I feel the flood of emotions begin to…not subside, but kind of sort themselves out, at least a little bit.
What settles into place, then, is need.
Raw, furious, unquenchable need.
