Chapter 21
Balance: Finding It and Keeping It!
“Women in particular ... need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own ‘to do’ list.”
—Michelle Obama
Just today, a woman messaged me to tell me that although she loved all of my books and had lost 40 pounds on the #WilderWay she wouldn’t be buying this book. When I asked her why, she explained that there was just no way that she could add one more thing to her schedule. She said she was a mom, and she had hobbies and too many other things to take up more exercise.
I spent a half hour talking with her and explaining that I am exactly the same. I’m a mom, wife, and businesswoman, and I own a farm with over 100 animals. I have very little time for long, grueling workouts. In fact, if anything, this book is a way for you and I to spend even LESS time in the gym or running, and spend more time with those beautiful kids and that sexy hubby. I don’t want to make life harder for either of us! I really hope to make things easier.
Balance is hard. I know this. I think I could write an entire book on women in America discovering the importance of balance. I think balance is critical for finding and holding onto your joy, right? You can’t be a good mom unless you have some time for yourself. You can’t be a good wife if you don’t sleep at night. You can’t perform well at work when you feel like crap all of the time. All of these things are connected.
I know it isn’t just a few of us who struggle to be everything to everyone each and every day. Especially if you are a working mama, I know that just finding a few minutes each week to run or lift weights might be a big ask. I totally understand and empathize because I often feel the same way.
What has really helped me is to focus on my greatest goals in life. What is the legacy I want to leave for my family and my children? First, I want my kids to have two parents as long as possible. I know that beyond anything else in the world, my husband wants me here with him. As cliché as it sounds, we really hope to grow old together. I want to see my husband dance with our daughter at her wedding. I want to play with my grandkids. I want to spend as many moments as I can on this earth with those I love, and I bet you feel the same way. This means my health has to be a top priority.
We can push healthy living aside and put it on the back burner. But, eventually, something will pop up, like a diabetes diagnosis, dangerously high blood pressure, or even cancer. But really, our quality of life is up to us. We might not know when we will take our last breath, but we can decide how we want to feel between now and then.
Doesn’t it seem like everyone has stress piled on top of anxiety with a side of depression? I think this has to do with balance, too. We’re always rushing around, yet we’re always sitting down; we don’t get outside, and we don’t have the time to move or to exercise; we’re bored so we endlessly scroll on social media looking for who knows what—I think all of this can even contribute to anxious hunger. What really helps me is consciously trying to slow down.
Really, really, slow down. Spend a few minutes just breathing. Have you tried some yoga? You can download free apps that have great little routines that only take a few minutes. Spending 2% of your day just slowing down is often passed over in favor of other things. But we never question the hour or two spent mindlessly scrolling on our phones, or watching something on TV that really doesn’t get us closer to our goals and what we really want from life.
I know this can be a hard cycle to break. Jack and I have had to make changes to ensure that we have this time and this balance in our lives. It isn’t really that we need more time in the day—it’s that we need to make better use of the time we have. It becomes too easy to become lazy about self-care because we think we will eventually be less busy and have more time. Let’s just be honest and say we won’t ever have that. And if we do, it will probably be the day we die.
Be honest with yourself about your goals. What do you really want, and what might you have to change, or adjust to have that? Can you find half an hour for a walk around the block? Maybe you always wanted to try a dance class, or maybe you could find some peace and enjoyment with art. Whatever it is, I believe in sitting down and figuring out what you want. Enjoy it, and find joy in your life. These things are critically important. Make a conscious choice to find balance and keep it.
How am I working to find my balance?
Maybe sharing more of my focus with you might help you to figure out what are the most important things for you. My relationship with my husband and children are some of my greatest goals. I want those to be strong. I want them to be intentional. I never want my husband or kids to think they aren’t important to me. So, how do I do that? Well, I had to figure out the things that best expressed this to my family. I know my daughter loves it when I spend time playing just with her. My little boys want lots of stories before bed. My kids want us to pray together before school. My husband needs lots of sex. This is my list and my life!
When you can identify your own things and really focus on them, you can hopefully let go of some of the other things that maybe aren’t as important in the day to day.
Maybe you can reorganize the to-do list, or maybe the list can get shorter.
I really believe in routine and schedules. Not only do kids feel secure when they can count on structure, but I find this works for adults, too. I’ve worked out of a planner for years and it is big and ugly, but it helps keep me organized. I also have lists in places where I won’t forget before going into the next room. I keep lists on my phone, on the pantry door, and on post-it notes in my office. Whatever you need to do to stay on task and organized will help. Plan out your day so you can be more effective. Work smarter, not harder.
Take some time at the start of the day to assess what’s ahead, and again at the end of the day to to examine what you’ve done. What did you not get done? What needs to happen tomorrow? What can you let go of and no longer worry about? For me, the ONLY way this happens is if my phone is away from me; if the phone is close, I’ll start working the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep. That is just my nature.
Jack and I made the decision to have times in our day that are “phone free.” We don’t use phones during dinner or until after the kids to go bed. We check for any emergencies after the kids are in bed and then the phones go back on chargers so we can spend some time focused on each other, or just relaxing without the pressure of the phone.
I promise, if you start charging your phone in another part of your home, you will eventually forget about it. Some of my favorite moments of the day are when Jack and I have phone-free time. No, that isn’t even what I mean! Get your mind out of the gutter.
Really though, these moments are the ones you will remember and treasure. You deserve some hands-on time with your spouse and kids. This will absolutely help you find that balance, I promise. Just try it. There are very good things happening away from your tablet, phone, or computer ... unless you’re reading one of my books. If that’s what you’re doing, forget everything I just said.
Lastly, and as I move into my next chapter, I think something that moms especially need to do is treat themselves. Now listen, I’m not saying you need to take a tropical vacation by yourself, but you should allow yourself to relax and enjoy life. Have that piece of chocolate and glass of wine without guilt. Get a pedicure if that makes you feel good. Go out for a girls’ night or lunch. Relationships are important in finding balance, and your relationship with yourself is the most important one you’ve got.
If you are down a few sizes on my plan, go out and find an outfit that really makes you feel good. Maybe you don’t have money for something new? Put out a shout on Facebook that you are looking for something in a certain size. I’ve found especially in my group that woman love to bless each other in this way. Maybe you have a friend who’s a similar size who might let you come play dress up in her closet. Add some wine and a snack and you’ve got quite a party right there!
Don’t underestimate the importance of good, genuine friendships. Invest in those because often close friends are the ones who can call you out when you’re running yourself ragged, and they can help you get back to balance. So tonight, forget about that to-do list of a hundred things and write down the things that are the most important to you today and focus your day around those things.
One day at a time. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
PRO TIP: Try to put all of your energy and focus on the things you can control, and let go and trust in God for the things you can’t. Sometimes the dishes and laundry seem more important than they really are; spend your time on what is truly important first. I promise the dishes and laundry will wait for you. Making sure you’re rested and refreshed is more important ... unless you’re literally down to your last pair of pants. If it’s a choice between taking a half hour for yourself and wearing clean pants, you probably should do some laundry. ?
